“We Can’t Allow the People to Steal This Election”

The right of money to decide elections is being tested in Richmond, California (pop. 105,000), a suburb of San Francisco and Oakland. In a clear rebuke to American-style democracy, millions of dollars from huge corporations may prove inadequate to win the election for the corporate candidates.

RIGHT: Plucky megacorporations Chevron and American Beverage Association take on powerful grassroots activists Marilyn Langlois and Eduardo Martinez in Richmond, California. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read more “We Can’t Allow the People to Steal This Election”

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Senator Rubio’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment

Freshman U.S. Senator Marco Rubio has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which claimed, “Rubio slams Obama, Biden on economy.”

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Rubio,

Your speech in Nevada was absolutely ravishing. I loved watching you mercilessly slam Obama and Biden over and over. You gave the president a real mouthful.

You just kept vigorously inserting knock after knock. I remember thinking to myself: how can Rubio possibly take these two guys at the same time? Is his endurance going to hold up? Is he going to get overwhelmed or tired and finish early?

But no! You stayed strong throughout. You lubed up the crowd and really got them to go down on your side. They were screaming for more and more! And you gave it to them. And when you did finally finish, I couldn’t help but burst at the rhetorical coup you just handed the Republicans. Then I fell asleep.”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=284706728311990&set=o.405187662880509&type=3&theater.

When asked to opine on the matter, Senator Rubio had the following to say:

“My Facebook profile? Really? You guys know I don’t ever check that thing. I get over 100 comments a day.”

Daniel Polanski, Rubio’s part-time social media intern was not as lucky as his boss. He was recently admitted to Georgetown University for near fatal exposure to innuendo.

“The double entendre…” muttered Daniel when I visited in the hospital ward, “It was just…it was just…it just kept coming, you know? All over me. I couldn’t take it all at the same time. It just penetrated so deep…into my soul. But I kept at it because I figured…if I took it out…of context…and went down fast…down the page…then it would end quickly, but it was just…it wouldn’t stop coming! The puns…the insinuation…they just wouldn’t stop!”

Daniel then lapsed into a coma.

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. When I confronted the chief FBI investigator concerning the slow pace of his investigation, he spilled his whiskey and soda down his bathrobe, let out a high pitched scream, asked me how the hell I’d gotten into his basement den, and promptly threw me out of his house.

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Bobby D. Foster, immediately report him to the Internet Police.

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Big Bird Found Dead, Romney Questioned

The Muppets character Big Bird was found dead today in his duplex cage on New York City’s Upper East Side.

New York City police have not announced a cause of death, but according to anonymous insiders, the 43-year old television star’s demise is the subject of a murder investigation.

Sources say that police have questioned Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who is on record as saying he would “cut” Big Bird. Cut being a street slang term for murder by knife. Read more Big Bird Found Dead, Romney Questioned

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E-Z Home Water Boarding Kit a Favorite w/ Parents This Season

Dallas, TX – (SatireWorld.com)

The amazing E-Z Home Waterboarding Kit has broken all sales records as parents across the US snapped up a kit for their personal use at home.

Children and teens everywhere are now easily spilling the beans about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with, as the easy-to-use waterboard is put to daily use in millions of US homes. Read more E-Z Home Water Boarding Kit a Favorite w/ Parents This Season

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Pioneering Restaurant “Leftovers” Offers Low Prices, Leftovers

A new restaurant chain called Leftovers recently opened in downtown San Jose, California. Imagine going to your favorite deli and getting a sandwich with a big bite mark it in; most customers would be confused or infuriated, but not at Leftovers, where, as their catchphrase says, “someone else starts a meal and you finish it.”

“It tastes just as good as other restaurants, we heated it up in the microwave,” said owner Saul Richards, pointing to one customer’s meal. Read more Pioneering Restaurant “Leftovers” Offers Low Prices, Leftovers

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Sad, Non-Swing States Desperate for Campaign Funds

With an estimated $2billion in campaign cash being spent around the country, economies are suffering in non-swing states.

Marketers from the nation’s bluest and reddest states are making fevered pitches with just weeks to go until election day, and some of them are pretty desperate to bring in even the first few dirty dollars.

“Mitt Romney launched a major ad blitz in eight key battleground states… two ads apiece in Colorado, Florida, Iowa, North Carolina and Ohio; three separate ads in Virginia; and one ad in Nevada and New Hampshire.” Yahoo News – September 7, 2012 Read more Sad, Non-Swing States Desperate for Campaign Funds

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