Sad, Non-Swing States Desperate for Campaign Funds

With an estimated $2billion in campaign cash being spent around the country, economies are suffering in non-swing states.

Marketers from the nation’s bluest and reddest states are making fevered pitches with just weeks to go until election day, and some of them are pretty desperate to bring in even the first few dirty dollars.

“Mitt Romney launched a major ad blitz in eight key battleground states… two ads apiece in Colorado, Florida, Iowa, North Carolina and Ohio; three separate ads in Virginia; and one ad in Nevada and New Hampshire.” Yahoo News – September 7, 2012

More and more, U. S. presidential candidates are directing their campaign spending to a select number of states. These so-called swing-states are seen as the key to victory and the rest are almost ignored. Apparently that’s about to change if these states have their say:

Maine

“As Maine goes, so goes the nation.” At least that’s what they used to say. Now almost nobody pays attention to how I vote. Well, enough is enough. Remember that old battle cry from the Spanish-American War – “Remember The Maine”? I’ve got a new one: “Remember Maine – or else.” If I don’t get my fair share of election-year advertising spending, I’m going to hold my breath until I turn blue or possibly even red or I might just secede and join Canada.

California

Dude, what gives? Like I’ve got more voters than any other state but political ads here are as rare as Republicans in Hollywood although I guess that’s part of the problem. How come everyone thinks I’m a lock for the Democrats? Don’t forget; I elected Republican governors like Ronald Reagan, Pete Wilson and Arnold Schwarzenegger and I can do it again. That’s not a threat, man. I’m just saying, that’s all. Throw a little advertising love my way and we can all be happy.

The Dakotas

Despite what you might have heard, history shows we don’t always vote the same way. Just look at the 1916 election results. But since each of us has the total population of a large suburban city, no one pays us any attention. We finally figured out how to deal with these quadrennial slights. Last week we decided to join forces and vote in tandem and not necessarily Republican. Between the two of us we have well over a million people which means we’ll now have the political heft of bigger player-states. Watch out Idaho and Nebraska!

Alaska

Hey! Look up here. Yeah, that’s right, up here past the lower 48. It’s one thing to ignore that little mid-Pacific pipsqueak Hawaii but, in the words of Donald Trump, I’m huge. I’m twice as big as Texas and none of you would ever dream of ignoring Texas, would you? Don’t take me for granted. I’m crazy; I could vote for anybody. Just ask Sarah Palin. So throw me a bone and I’ll do you a solid.

Wyoming

OK, yeah, I’m the smallest state by population with more cows than people but that’s no reason to dis me. And maybe I’ve voted Republican in every election since 1964 but that doesn’t mean things can’t change this year. If you spend a little ad money here and show me some respect, I could vote Democratic. Just don’t tell Dick Cheney. He gets really, really mad if I don’t do what I’m told.

Delaware

You think you’ve got it tough, Wyoming? I’m so small, nobody notices me down here squeezed between New Jersey, Maryland and Pennsylvania. OK, at least I’m not Rhode Island but it’s still no picnic. Even Joe Biden left and he used to live in Scranton. So maybe I voted Democratic for the last twenty years but that doesn’t mean I can’t change. Hey, for the right price, I’m willing to do just about anything, even change my name to Tupperware.

Author: Dave Martin

Dave Martin's humor and political satire have appeared in many major North American newspapers including The N. Y. Times, The Washington Post and The Chicago Tribune. His latest humor collection is entitled "Screams & Whispers" available on Amazon.com and he blogs at www.davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.com.

2 thoughts on “Sad, Non-Swing States Desperate for Campaign Funds

  1. I wonder if we should go to a popular vote. Small states complain that they wouldn’t have a voice, but they already don’t. Take the electoral count of Florida, Ohio and California, and you’re already the better part of the way to a victory. At least with a popular vote it would stop candidates from pandering so hard to the Iowans, who frankly have suckled at that teat far too long.

  2. The popular vote has its own dangers as evidenced by the Florida fiasco back in 2000. What happens if the difference in the national votes for the two candidates is less than half a percent, say?

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