Obesity Epidemic Caused by Lack of Nicotine, According to “Doctor”

Center for Disease Control (CDC) Assistant Director, Doctor Richard Fulcrum, announced today that the major cause of obesity in the United States is that scores of Americans are quitting smoking and depriving their bodies of nicotine.

“We notice that from the 18th century until the 1980s more people smoked and obesity was not a big problem”, Fulcrum stated. “Now we have fewer smokers but much more obesity!” Read more Obesity Epidemic Caused by Lack of Nicotine, According to “Doctor”


Match.com Under Fire for “Group” Dating Events

Dating website Match.com, which claims to use intricate compatibility matrices to find potential dates for willing singles, has come under fire with its most recent dating campaign.

Match.com’s Stir events have been plagued by charges of racism after participants have shown up at Match.com-sponsored parties that are dominated by other singles of the same race.

Last month, a group of twenty Caucasians were sent to a Coldplay concert in Indianapolis, where they portrayed an aptitude for dancing that would make Elaine Benes blush. Read more Match.com Under Fire for “Group” Dating Events


Paralympians Are People Too

Thanks to the Paralympics, disabled people are now being viewed as actual people, according to the worldwide media.

In hopes to change attitudes towards those with disabilities, the IOC, the International Olympic Committee, have decided to hold the Paralympics in London.

The head of the IOC, Count Jacques Rogge, said at a press conference that the Paralympics were being held to show that the disabled can do things that people could. Read more Paralympians Are People Too


NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

Ironically coincidental with the demise of the man who first walked on the moon, NASA has discovered that it had forgotten an astronaut on the moon. In fact, it appears that he was left at the time of Apollo 11’s historic milestone.

NASA astronomers have identified the silver ‘lump’ lying near the still visible marks of the first moon probe as “Melvin, the 4th astronaut.”

Apparently he had been secreted aboard the spacecraft and kept undercover in case one of the others made an ass out of himself during the highly televised event. With the heavy suit and space helmet no one would be able to distinguish him from the other astronauts.

Had Armstong taken a whiz on the moon’s surface or Aldrin mooned the camera, Melvin would have been edited in to replace them. It appears that he exited the craft after Armstong, but was intentionally kept out of camera view. After the mission, his presence was neglected as they returned to earth.

It was imagined that he died an unpleasant death, as researchers can make out with advanced telescopes that he spelled out “You God-damned assho….” in the moon dirt before he croaked. It is believed he was trying to write “assistants,” but misspelled it as his oxygen ran low.

Melvin, his body now thoroughly dehydrated by the dry lunar atmosphere, will be left where he is as it would be too expensive to bring him back. When asked about why he was left behind, astronaut Aldrin, now in his 80’s said “Apollo what? Where? What do you mean by ‘moon?'” Astronaut Armstong, then aged 80, said nothing, but had a very self satisfied smile on his face afterwards.

Some conspiracy theorists believe that Melvin was intentionally left behind because the others did not want to share the glory with him. There has been talk that it was actually Melvin who first stepped out on the moon and said, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Re-listening to the tapes of the moon walk, Armstrong can be heard to say afterwards, “Damn it! I had dibs for going out first, you jerk!” then the sounds of a heavy-breathed fight that was apparently edited out of the film.


The Kindness of Banks Thanks to Soul Modification

A dear friend of mine, Penin Diaz, sent me this distressing report that I felt compelled to share with you. – Barb Weir

Our family is going through hard times, and we’re trying to cut expenses, so I asked my bank about mortgage loan modification.

“We’re here to help you, Mr. Diaz,” said the loan officer. “How far behind are you in your mortgage payments? You don’t qualify unless you’re pretty destitute.” Read more The Kindness of Banks Thanks to Soul Modification