Posted in Human Interest Politics Top Stories

Obama: Stop Bothering Me

Washington — A source close to President Barack Obama tells Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward that the President has begun to chafe at his inability to get away from the job, even at his vacation retreat on Martha’s Vineyard.

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Posted in Strange People

Sexy Prison Guard Too Gorgeous, Fired

A female prison officer was forced out of her job after being bullied because she was considered too pretty to enforce discipline, a Smegmadale Employment Tribunal heard this week. Fellatia Sodomberg, 27, a former Albanian BD/SM Pro-Dominatrix, is claiming constructive…

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Posted in Biz News

Wal-Mart Trims Payroll: Replaces Employees For 2nd Time

Bentonville, Arkansas-Wal-Mart Corporation today announced a series of cost-cutting moves designed to decrease expenses and improve corporate profits. In this latest initiative, Wal-Mart executives announced a plan to replace over 4,500 current employees with lower-paid newcomers.

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Posted in Biz News Strange People Television

Glenn Beck Show Saved By Good Ol’ Boy Advertisers

Glenn Beck is seeing his conventional ad revenues dry up due to his escalation of hate rhetoric, but the redneck community is coming to his aid to help keep him on the air.

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Woodward: Biden, Panetta Losing Obama’s Confidence

ABC News – Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward reported today that President Obama may replace Vice President Joe Biden and CIA Director Leon Panetta before the end of his first term.

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Posted in Health

Swine Flu Vaccine Banned in Kosher Israel

Jerusalem – Israeli Health officials have announced today that the swine flu vaccine will not be made available to the general public as punishment for the more than 1,700 people who went against Hebrew law by contracting swine flu.

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Posted in Human Interest Politics

Obamas Worry Martha’s Vineyard Visit “Looks Elitist”

National Enquirer — An intrepid National Enquirer reporter has managed the near-impossible: gain access to the Obama compound on Martha’s Vineyard posing as a landscaper. During his time at the estate, John Smith discovered a hiding place in the bushes…

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Posted in Politics

Obama Hosts Thursdays Under The Magnolia Tree

Washington, DC – President Obama announced that the small meeting held last Thursday between himself, Joe Biden, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley to share a beer and clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen due to the incident involving…

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Posted in Horoscopes

Albacoreascopes

It’s with fanfare most mediocre Glossy News ho-humfully ushers in the newest in its long running series of helpful astrological readings tailored not to the vague and unimaginable reader, but to one so very specific we can’t even imagine whom…

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Posted in Human Interest World News

Obama to Begin New World Apology Tour in Cuba

Washington – When President Barack Obama arrives in Havana for a state visit next month, he will personally apologize to late Cuban Premier Fidel Castro for decades of American interference with Cuba’s efforts to destabilize the Southern Hemisphere.

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Posted in Health

Waterproof Sunscreen Useless Against Crying, Leads to More

When selecting a brand, type and configuration of sunscreen, it’s important to bear in mind your needs, lifestyle and personal habits. For us, it was easy to choose a high SPF rating, opt for the waterproof, and go with a…

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Posted in Television

Darth Cheney Memoirs Basis for FOX-TV Reality Show

UNDISCLOSED, DELAWARE – Former VP Dick “Darth” Cheney announced today that he has retained the Trump Organization and The Donald as co-executive producers of his new “Memoirs” reality show to air on Fox this fall.

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Posted in Politics Top Stories War Zone

CIA Tape Shocker: Pelosi in Bed with Reid, Murtha

Washington — In an escalation of the conflict between the Central Intelligence Agency and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a CIA source has provided the New York Times a tape of what he maintains is a July 2007 meeting attended by…

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Posted in Politics World News

Clinton: North Korea Needs Good Spanking

Phuket, Thailand – Hillary Clinton angrily announced yesterday from Phuket (pronounced “fuh-ket” or alternatively “Phuket”), that she’s had it with North Koreans, likening them to little children demanding attention.

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Foundation to Launch “Cash for Congressional Clunkers” Program

New York — The Foundation to Preserve American Values, a private philanthropic group, announced at a news conference today that it will distribute up to one billion dollars in grants to selected members of Congress. Ralph Warren, President of the…

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