Glenn Beck Show Saved By Good Ol’ Boy Advertisers

Glenn Beck is seeing his conventional ad revenues dry up due to his escalation of hate rhetoric, but the redneck community is coming to his aid to help keep him on the air.

Those of you worried that your favorite television hate slinger won’t be around much longer on the Fox News Channel needn’t lose any sleep. Glenn Beck is cashing in his chips from some big supporters, without whom he wouldn’t have a show.

Fox is getting flooded with calls from the very industries that made Beck the redneck household name that he is. Gun manufacturers, bail bondsmen, taxidermists, hunting dog puppy mills, and hunting suppliers from all over America are coming to Beck’s aid, offering to buy up advertising spots on his show in fifteen second increments to keep him on the air.

There are so many companies in line to purchase ad time on Beck’s show that Fox has had to form a lottery, allowing hopeful advertisers to put their name in the proverbial huntin’ cap for a shot at getting one of the highly prized spots. Most of the companies vying for the spots are cottage industries, and as such, do not even have an advertising budget, but they are asking their friends, families and customers to pitch in whatever they can afford to come up with the hundreds of thousands of dollars needed to keep Beck on the air.

“Skeet” Newby of Skeet’s Shooters Emporium in Joplin, Missouri had this to say about Beck, “Oh my God, I can’t imagine a day without listening to Glenn Beck. His words speak straight to my heart. Me and my family is going to do everything we can to help ol’ Glenn out, even if it means putting a second mortgage on the trailer.” There are hundreds more out there in America doing what they can to keep the Glenn Beck Show alive on Fox.

One major gun aficionado magazine “Cocked and Loaded” has expressed a desire to buy up all the spots in the first half hour of Beck’s show in order to air some pretty comical ads featuring the talking dog “AK-47.” While they weren’t specific on what the ads would depict, a spokesperson did give a few hints by saying that the spots would have everyone rolling in the aisles. “A talking dog with a southern accent and the baby shooting the gun is something that will appeal to most of Beck’s supporters,” said Karl Drove, head of the magazine’s marketing department.

Sources close to Beck have leaked the names of a few more companies that have put in their bids for this most coveted airtime. From smokeless tobacco companies to manufactured home dealers, anyone associated with the “Proud to Be a Redneck” movement are stepping forward to help good ol’ Glenn stay on the air. “In fact, we just received word today that the Southern Alliance of Thank You Jesus Our Lord and Savior Church Amalgamation has promised to turn over next month’s entire offerings from every church in the tri-state area to help keep Beck on the air,” said Sally Pittles, Beck’s private assistant.

Rascal Smitts of Rascal’s Camo and Ammo in Great Forge, Arkansas says he’s been listening to Glenn Beck for a couple of years now and credits Beck with getting the word out on the importance of owning guns. “Especially in today’s mixed up political world, where socialism seems to be making a comeback, it’s nice to know that someone gets it,” said Rascal. “I mean, things are getting to the point where you need to arm yourself at these political rallies to show who is still boss. I mean, for Chrissake, we have a guy with the name Hussein in office. Thank goodness we have Glenn Beck to remind us just how angry we should all be about that.”

Although Glenn Beck couldn’t be reached for comment, sources close to Beck say that he knew all along his supporters would come through for him and he’s more determined than ever to keep this country as divided as he can for as long as the ad revenues roll in.

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at