Al Qaeda Suicide Bomber Interview Captured on Video

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — CIA Director Leon Panetta released today a portion of a captured al Qaeda suicide bomber job interview. In the scene, the jihadist recruiter attempts to determine if he should take a chance on the earnest young man seated before him:

Mahmoud el-Zarwarti: I wish to apply for the internal explosives unit.
Interviewer: Prior experience?
el-Zarwarti: Uh, fondness for Mexican food.
Interviewer: Current occupation?
el-Zarwarti: Fisherman
Interviewer: Accepted. Would you prefer your 72 virgins in one lump sum or doled out over five years?
el-Zarwarti: Neither. I am not interested such pleasures.
Interviewer: Your reward, then?
el-Zarwarti: 72 sturgeon. Fresh caught.
Interviewer: Done. Next man.

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Obama Taps Dan Rather to Save Dying Newspaper Industry

In a surprise appearance at today’s White House Press briefing, President Obama introduced Dan Rather as his new “Dead Tree Press Czar.” Rather will be tasked to oversee the federal takeover of 27 failing liberal newspapers. “We cannot allow newsrooms favorable to our agenda to disappear simply because the American people no longer trust them,” the President said. “That would be honest, but stupid.” Rather chimed in with, “My uncle used to say, ‘When you got live fish in a barrel, catch the whoppers first and gut ‘em ‘fore you go back to the bait store.” From the back of the room, Democratic advisor James Carville called out “Hey Dan! Say what?”

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CIA Playing Hardball with Obama

In an exclusive interview with the Washington Times, a senior CIA official said the Agency was in payback mode with the White House.

Insisting he be referred to only as “Leon P” to protect his identity, the official revealed that CIA officers were furious when the President unleashed the Justice Department on the Agency over torture allegations. Read more CIA Playing Hardball with Obama

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