The bald-ass monkey pope from the Catholic Church in some schmancy European country commemorated the Church of Scientology this week for utterly destroying their record set since their foundation back when the bearded old man went up in the sky.
We sat down one-to-one with The Church of Scientology’s top and most notable member, Tom Cruise, and asked him questions regarding the church’s controversial steps to add a new member into its system.
Unfortunately, the talk did not go as planned. It wasn’t five minutes in, when Tom stood up and hollered at our monkey journalists screaming “I did not have gay buttsex with John Travolta” and ten minutes later, “I do not, in any way, want to raise my long skinny legs up in the air (like I just don’t care) and let Travolta lick my Scientology butthole.” Our monkey journalists agreed with him all the way.
The monkey Pope, father of our journalists and former king of the scammers in penis enlargements advertisements on porn websites gave his final speech to his people chimps stating that “the Church of Scientology is the only qualified recipient able to buy the Catholic religion.”
The religion was purchased the following day, the day of the Pope’s final speech, for a $20 Amazon gift card. The American people viewed it as the perfect price for the transaction.
The Pope was later found dead inside an abandoned motel with a pink ball gagged to his mouth and his neck wrapped around with a black, leather belt. A little boy was found lying next to him. Sadly, no one gave a fuck.