Serial groper/political failure and two-dime Bill Clinton wannabe Joe Biden, flailing to deal with allegations of sleazy sexual behavior and a past history of middle ground views on abortion, has now come up with a typically genius way of…
Not leaning too far on one side or the other.
Waving his chunky fists and bobbing his head like some unhinged, crack-loving jack-in-a-box-in-a-cement-mixer, Screaming Joe Biden Howard Dean’d out:
This is a big FUCKING deal! And when I say FUCKING, I mean… LITERALLY!
Trump is using pro life to divide America!
At the same time, AOC and other… Mmm… Ocasio-Cortez, they say? I mean, oh my… Just trips off the tongue, doesn’t… OWCHAAAA! What have I told you about kicking me when I’m laying down the law… OWCHAAAA! Ha ha ha, you sassy little intern, you… Just you wait til I get you home… OWCHAAA!
“Distancing” himself a little (or a little bit MORE), Biden continued:
At the same time, the left wing of our incredibly diverse and exotic party, you know we’ve got gays, er sorry, HOMOSEXUALS, lesbos… er, lesbians, and, and, what’s we call them queer guys again, the, well any way, you know, the African Americans and, ya know, the usual stuff! And… And, and look at it all! Isn’t it just great! Look at my diverse guy over there, in the crowd!
Not like the hypocritical tokenism of the Republican Party: they get a few nice, shiny, clean-looking guys like Ben Cain and Hermann Carson… Huh? Oh sorry, yeah, Bart Caner and Hermano Cristoval, well yeah OK, well something diverse like that anyway….
Oh-ho, pedantic are we now? Huh-huh. Just you wait til we get back to my office, Madam!
… Er, anyhow! But in the end, the other Democrats, you know the diverse ones, they are very, very, VERY pro-choice! And the GOP are very, very, VERY anti-choice! So, it’s time to reach across the… OWCHAAAAAA! Not funny, young lady. Not funny any more…
(Aide is ushered off in tears, just like Monica Lewinsky was the last time a Bidenesque candidate pulled that shit).
Well this girl is my favorite one so far! We call her the Karate Kid! Or sometimes the Pocket Rocket… 20 whole pent-up years of liberal energy, what can I say!
Pro life is a one-sided view. So, here, I’m about to unveil my great new slogan:
GRAB PRO LIFE BY THE PUSSY!
Ha ha ha!
Look at this lovely pink hat…
Hey wait, where did everybody go? I coulda sworn there were about three people at the rally earlier…?
Oh well, I might as well talk to myself, it’s what I enjoy doing best anyway.
By the way Joe, did you know I’m the best political monologue guy in history?
Oh of course Joe, you’re the best! Why do you even ask?
Well I don’t know Joe, guess it’s because, because, because, and anyway…
Oh God did you see that ass earlier, Joe???
We’re gonna spare you the rest.
Our confidential anonymous source from the feminist community drily observes:
There’s nothing that screams ‘pro woman’ so much than making tasteless comments to your work ‘subordinates,’ getting confused on basic sociological vocabulary, making up ‘exotic’ names for people you don’t like, trying to find a middle ground on absolutely EVERY goddamn topic under the son, even the ones with the most radically incompatible and irreconcilable positions and… er, GROPING YOUR POLITICAL OPPONENTS IN ORDER TO PROVE A POINT? Word to the wise, buddy… You’re a bit old for all this incel shit! Supporting abortion and also supporting sexual harassment is not being ‘moderate,’ it’s being extreme. In fact, it’s tantamount to sexual terrorism!
We asked the Republican Party’s Women’s caucus if they agreed with it, and if they had anything to add.
Nothing more to add. Ya know, there really ARE some things that are JUST NOT PARTISAN ISSUES, GODDAMIT!!!!