GUEST POST: Dear Leader Donald Denounces ‘Fake Christian’ Conspiracy Against America!

ED: We’d like to welcome world-renowned/notorious web troll Donald Trump to our esteemed publication. We would like to remind our reminders that no money has changed hands for this exclusive Ted Haggard-style guest post.

Why would a person of faith judge someone who has been sent to save America? You know all these fake ‘Christians’ who speak out against me, they’re just very, very dishonest people. Absolute disaster!

They are dishonest like you just wouldn’t believe! Many people have been saying this, I get all kinds of people telling me, ‘the fake Christians Donald, they are trying to wreck our country.’ You wouldn’t believe it, the things I hear about it!

Spreading fake news all the time, complete disaster, world is laughing at them, nobody cares! NOT SMART!

They forgot Gospel of the Romans 13, submit to the powers that be. I don’t know what Bible are they reading, maybe something they found on the internet, who knows! Who cares, it’s all something, just someone’s opinion, maybe they should stop talking and let me do my job

My favorite Bible heroes never let people get away with bad stuff! Here in this country, a lot of fake Christians, spreading lies and fake news all the time, and unbelievably, people still think they are following God! Don’t follow false prophets, obey your president!

My favorite book, I read it every night, it’s the book about Daniel, whatever they call it. It’s the Old Testament, somewhere.

I don’t read much books, but I tell ya what, I love a good story! There’s some king, like they made like a huge statue to tell the world, don’t mess with this guy! This story, it’s a huge inspiration to me, I know some very good pastors who also agree with me. Very smart people!

There are a lot of other tremendous stories, amazing stories in the Bible, but I can’t remember what they call them. It doesn’t matter, I try not to get hung up on details, but I tell ya what, I love a good story! You can make your own meaning up too, this is tremendously fun.

You know my favorite pastor Father Mike Huckabee asked me ‘what is your favorite Bible story?’ I said ‘all of them!’ Didn’t seem to like my answer. I told him my love for the Bible is just tremendous it’s what everybody loves about me, I just couldn’t choose. No pleasing some people!

Then after I spoke with Reverend Mike Huckabee I started telling this story to all my friends, cos I know some tremendous Christians, some of them are very smart people, very rich and know a lot of smart things. And they all nod and smile, ‘we’re glad you have such a passion for God!’

You know some people think some of the preachers I hang out with, like the cable TV guy, are dumb as a bunch of rocks, but I tell ’em, ‘No they aren’t dumb at all! So goddamn judgmental, I only surround myself with smart people and people who are good at words and stuff!’

By the way Mike is a tremendously smart person too, and so is Bernie Sanders, a very smart woman, very wise, best press secretary we ever had! I also think Chris Kirkpatrick, er no Chris Cuomo, no I said Cuomo, FAKE NEWS! Cuomo can make a tremendous pastor if he just stops saying all these dumb and stupid things that annoy people and get them riled up.

You know I get on very well with the Italians and people like that, like that kind of people. They have some tremendous pastors, I remember there used to be one who used to drive around in this wonderful car. Chris Cuomo and the other one, wonderful journalists!

The fake news, they lie all the time and say there is a rift between me and the Cuomos, this is insane, I never spoke with them in my life! Both of them are from New York, very smart people, probably not as smart as me, but then who is!

People who say Chris Cuomo and Andrew Cuomo are somehow against me are trash and losers who are losing their goddamn minds! All the Cuomo family love me, me and Melania wanted to have them round for dinner every weekend, but someone told me we should meet with other folks.

No idea why, Cuomos tremendously disappointed, I assume so anyway. SAD!

Cuomos tremendous people, but I also LOVE the Chinese. Shinzo Abe is a tremendous leader, he is fighting the fake news, he’s having some great success, not as great as I am, but everybody in the world is saying he is going to end fake news and radical terrorism within months!

You know the fake news don’t like China either, the Chinese people in America love Shinzo, they love the party, he wanted to teach me origami but I told him my fingers were too long and slender and delicate.

I said ‘You’re doing tremendous work in China, no hard feelings over that war we had with you, you fought very hard but we fought even harder, we had some tremendously smart people, even smarter than the Chinese, but sometimes the best man wins!’

Strange sense of humor, he didn’t laugh once. I like the Chinese, the Chinese really love what we are doing in America, they don’t even call it a Trade War!

They actually think it’s an incredibly good thing for China, but they can’t say it out loud, because the fake news are always listening.

All the China people, they love my ‘trade war,’ because it adjusts the oil ratio, or, or the something, and this means their gold stocks, you know, the gold or the other thing, it goes up and the employment fractionals go down and it’s like WOOOAAAHHHH I’m helping China too!

You know there are people, they say China is a dictatorship, they are just tremendously disloyal, they are either completely insane or probably being paid, I don’t know, maybe Crooked Hillary or Sleepy Joe are paying them to insult our core ally!

And China are fighting very hard against Korean aggression, the Koreans, you know and the, the other folks, they are funding the Antifa, you don’t even hear about it, the fake news never mentioned it, and the riots, President Shinzo and the Party are going to end them soon!

I don’t know why people hate China so much they’re a tremendously strong country, very smart people, a lot of tremendous business going on, organs, oil, anything like that, they have tremendous temples, I am very popular with the Hinduists and the kind of people you see in China.

Actually they have a lot of people in China, all kind of people in China, like you wouldn’t believe, many people have told me they think China all looks the same, you know, like real China, but actually, from talking to me, they understand there is a lot of different China. WOW!

I have a tremendous love for the Chinese, for all the kinds of the Chinese, Chairman Shinzo is a wonderful person, I remember we fed the fish and the fake news said it really wasn’t China, it was like some other country, can’t remember which, who cares!

I am a great fan of Rachel Maddow, wonderful person, wonderful opinions, sadly I don’t think she appreciates this, no idea why she claimed me and Chairman Shinzo weren’t in China! Absolutely insane idea, many people VERY angry, I know because I heard about it!

Also Keith Olbermann, not really fake news either, comments about me so over the top I think he must really be a secret fan! I spoke with Ivanka, or Melania, or, or one of those people, and I said, ‘Such nasty commentary!’ and she said, whoever it was, she agreed with my theory!

I’m also a big fan of the Conservative Party, very similar to the Republican Party. I hear Jeremy Corbyn has done a tremendous trade deal with the Europe people, but there was, I dunno, like a parliament problem and they had to leave it. Smart guy, he will figure it out!

I was very surprised to learn last summer the UK people were trying to leave the Europe stuff, I said ‘I thought they were trying to rejoin?’ They should ‘no you know still out’ and I said ‘well they have to make up their mind, aren’t they planning a war with Russia? Need funds!’ SAD!

I don’t personally think the UK should bomb Russia, I think it would be tremendously disruptive, I also don’t think they should bomb Japan, because it would cause a lot of trouble, people tell me it would have a tremendous effect on the world markets, I tell them: ‘Isn’t that a good thing?’ They tell me ‘no, disruption is bad,’ and then I fired them because I am sick and tired of haters and losers trying to undermine me. First they stay stagnation is bad and then disruption is bad, VERY indecisive people, no good!

But no I mean if Jeremy Corbyn and Andrew Neil and their tremendous party do go ahead and bomb Russia and, and Japan, and the other places like that, I mean I don’t support it, but it’s their country, they can do what they want. They have the right to do dumb things. Friends forever! SAD!

I think Jeremy and Andrew and Boris are tremendously smart people, and I don’t know why the fake news try to play them off against each other. I heard Boris say they are all the oldest and most influential political party in the world. But the fake news disagree!

I also like Jon Snow, Channel 4, NOT the fake news, Game of Thrones, he has made some tremendously nice comments about me, actually all of the UK, the media, the UK people, all kinds of things like that, they really love me! It’s only the FAKE news, like the stuff we have here in America, seem to have any problem with me!

I also want to invite Stormzy to perform at my inauguration, I have a lot of people telling me the rap community are huge fans of mine, we have millions and millions of talented people like Kanye, they all say I am the best president since Robert Kennedy! WELL HERE’S MY BLACK GUY, over here, over there, wherever!

Do you know if they have rap in China too? Is that like kind of a China thing? They have some tremendous marches, I just love their military, but I think they need more discipline.

If we had their numbers and my brains, I think we would be unstoppable! I’m going to Skype Chairman Abe and see if we can team up! I got an email from him the other day, my staff said it was spam and not from Shinzo but I can’t stand people nagging me!

Anyway, the dishonest Fake Christian Industrial Complex are on their way out! Amen! Amen! Vote Trump in 2020!

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Author: Wallace Runnymede

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