Drugs Policy Interview: Donald Trump

WALLACE:

Hi Donald! I hear you wanted me to interview you. You must be on something. How’s all that ‘smash the MIC’ shit workin’ out for ya?

TRUMP:

Hm. Hmgh. HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!

WALLACE:

Having fun?

TRUMP:

HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!

Owch.

WALLACE:

Shall I leave you in peace?

TRUMP:

When I said I’m gonna smash the MIC, I really meant to say ‘crack!’ Now my administration is not to be sniffed at! Incredible.

WALLACE:

Trying not to sniff too hard. I guess when you’re the most powerful two-legged satsuma in the world, and there’s nobody to tell you you need to shower, it’s pretty tough.

TRUMP:

I’m the cleanest man in the world. Believe me, nobody showers like the Donald. I shower so good, I’m already sick of showering! The Donald has the best words, the best showers. Nobody ever done grammar as good as the Donald!

WALLACE:

Anyway, as for the drugs policy…

TRUMP:

You… would not… believe… the size of the pink elephant just crawled out of my ass! It was YUUUUUGE! You can trust me on that one.

WALLACE:

Any chance we could know if you have an actual policy document, or if this is just…

TRUMP:

I found the purple leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. He had a pathetic bank balance. Pathetic!

WALLACE:

Yes, but who is actually helping you devise a…

TRUMP:

We have all kinds of people coming here from Asgard: druggies, stoners, crack peddlers. Some of them are good people!

WALLACE:

This is really not good. I think I’ll go and get a nice ethically sourced gluten-free vegan latte. You know anywhere in town does this stuff?

TRUMP:

Chocolate Peppermint Wonderland. Disgusting place. I’m gonna build a wall. Let the Gram fairies pay for it!

WALLACE

Try and lay off the Easy D next time.

TRUMP: Nobody does Easy D like the… HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!

WALLACE: Well, I think I’ll leave it at that.

Author: Wallace Runnymede

I've been writing satire for many years, and I've been published on many sites! Follow me on Twitter, and have a look at my books on Amazon! I've also had some poetry published by Sad Press recently: look out for 'Centrifugue!' I am also a founding member of the #AutisticDarkWeb: check the hashtag out on Twitter! Money's tight, so please consider dropping me $1 a month on Patreon (see link below). All my Patreon subscribers get certain benefits, including exclusive content, way in advance of anyone else!

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