Drugs Policy Interview: Donald Trump

WALLACE:

Hi Donald! I hear you wanted me to interview you. You must be on something. How’s all that ‘smash the MIC’ shit workin’ out for ya?

TRUMP:

Hm. Hmgh. HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!

WALLACE:

Having fun?

TRUMP:

HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!

Owch.

WALLACE:

Shall I leave you in peace?

TRUMP:

When I said I’m gonna smash the MIC, I really meant to say ‘crack!’ Now my administration is not to be sniffed at! Incredible.

WALLACE:

Trying not to sniff too hard. I guess when you’re the most powerful two-legged satsuma in the world, and there’s nobody to tell you you need to shower, it’s pretty tough.

TRUMP:

I’m the cleanest man in the world. Believe me, nobody showers like the Donald. I shower so good, I’m already sick of showering! The Donald has the best words, the best showers. Nobody ever done grammar as good as the Donald!

WALLACE:

Anyway, as for the drugs policy…

TRUMP:

You… would not… believe… the size of the pink elephant just crawled out of my ass! It was YUUUUUGE! You can trust me on that one.

WALLACE:

Any chance we could know if you have an actual policy document, or if this is just…

TRUMP:

I found the purple leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. He had a pathetic bank balance. Pathetic!

WALLACE:

Yes, but who is actually helping you devise a…

TRUMP:

We have all kinds of people coming here from Asgard: druggies, stoners, crack peddlers. Some of them are good people!

WALLACE:

This is really not good. I think I’ll go and get a nice ethically sourced gluten-free vegan latte. You know anywhere in town does this stuff?

TRUMP:

Chocolate Peppermint Wonderland. Disgusting place. I’m gonna build a wall. Let the Gram fairies pay for it!

WALLACE

Try and lay off the Easy D next time.

TRUMP: Nobody does Easy D like the… HMGH-GH-GH-GH-GHHHHHH!

WALLACE: Well, I think I’ll leave it at that.

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

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