Gay Old Party Strikes Again! Auntie Lindsay 2020, the Closet Choice! (Ted Haggard Guest Post)

NOTE FROM WALLACE: Our occasional guest contributor, Ted ‘I Know What You Did Last Night’ Haggard has provided us with one of the saltiest, spiciest lil old hot takes we’ve had in a while here at Glossy News! Enjoy! 😗

WOOP WOOP! The Gay Old Party strikes again! The log cabin party of Abraham Lincoln, Ted Haggard and Larry Craig has a new good ol’ boy in town!

Alleged “confirmed bachelor” Lindsey Graham, who is constantly “dogged” by rumours about his sexuality, recently said he was a ‘single white male from South Carolina,‘ an interesting euphemism?

But further back, he was also asked about who the first lady would be. The right wing media were all over this one like last month’s clap! He said: ‘Well, I’ve got a SISTER– she could play that role if necessary. I’VE GOT A LOT OF FRIENDS. WE’LL HAVE A ROTATING FIRST LADY!” (emphasis added). Well, what can I say! As dog whistle politics go, this is pretty funny! Do note also, sweetie, that after same sex marriage was passed, Auntie Lindsey did indeed make a most handsome offer to get down with the rising tide of good guys and drop… the Republican Party’s opposition to same sex marriage.

What on earth is going on in South Carolina?

Read the following links, and decide for yourself what way this solid God-fearing minuteman is going in the future!

HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE LOBBY? JUST SAY NO!

Some people always thought there was something a bit queer about a long-serving Republican statesman never getting hitched. But things get curiouser and curiouser with this response from good ol’ Auntie Lindsay about the future of marriage in America… How much further down the rabbit hole will we go?!

POLARI ON METH?

We’ve heard a lot of euphemisms used by good ol’ mainstream straight asses and their opposite counterparts alike: some positive, some negative, some ironic.

SPIN ME AROUND

Heads were spinning (and perhaps not just heads!) when the issue(s) of the First Lady finally popped up in our f… er, our NEWSFEEDS!

So, he has a ‘sister’ (whatever that means). And better still, he has a lot of FRIENDS!’

Oh, and…

Speaking of which…

ONCE YA GO LINDSAY, YA NEVER GO FLIMSY!

Graham is said to have once disparaged Obama for being distant, and not very friendly; while if he were President, we would be sure to have a lot of fun. (Work that one out for yerselves…)

I’m actually a fun guy. I’m a lot of fun to hang around with. Just ask people who know me… Just ask my Senate colleagues…I think I’ve got a pretty good reputation of bein’ easygoing…. I’m a social kind of guy…  If I get to be in the White House, I’ll bring Members of Congress and their families down. We’ll interact like Ronald Reagan did, we’ll have a lot of chance to get to know each other… I think one of the biggest mistakes President Obama made was being a little too distant.

Well if the Daily Mail says it, who are we to disagree!

NO SHIT SHERLOCK… NO PORKIES LINDSEY!

Not sure what’s going down in Oregon, but probably something! Is it the sound of, y’know, some kinda heavy sinker? A fiery vessel, like some good ol’ fine, solid, chunky Man o’ War of some kind? LOL! XX

I should be the pork association’s man of the year. I’ve eaten enough bacon to sink a battleship!

Well what can I say brah, self-praise is no recommendation!

Psst! By the way! VEEEERRRRYYYYY interesting comment from a guy who claims to be very low-carb… Where’s he getting all his protein from????????

(Not to mention vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, citric acid, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, vitamin B12, zinc…)

Sorry, just couldn’t help myself! I just keep Putin it in there!

CULTURE KING, CLOSET QUEEN

Known best for his screamingly outrageous and flamboyant behaviour at the Brett Kavanaugh hearing, it’s safe to say this very, VERY popular fellow has some quite exquisite and refined tastes… From the Casablanca movie, named after a well-famed Moroccan ‘hotspot’ very much beloved (and how!) of certain ‘niche travel demographics, (is that what we’re supposed to call ’em nowadays! Har-har!) to Stonewall era Motown… Whatever your special spot, flavour, taste, niche, pop idol or even target market (!), good ol’ Auntie Lindsey gotcha covered!

TOO MANY TWITS DON’T MAKE A TWAT!

We’ve all completely had it up to the back arse with losers spewing out junk, er, TRASH! on Twitter! But this one pretty much takes the biscuit, if you want to put it this way…

BOYS WILL BE BOYS

Boys will be boys, what does that really mean? Probably means they’re going to turn on each other and… er, never mind!

I’m very disappointed in Lindsey. I sometimes wonder what uniform he puts on each morning when goes out to the field to play, and I’m not just talking about the partisan uniform.

Well, as a supposedly disgraced closeted pastor, guess I’d know all about that one! LOL! XX!

BLACKMAIL RUMOURS

There are rumours that, just like his fellow arch-conservative, Milo Yiannopoulos, good ol’ Auntie Lindsay has a thing for blackmails…

Wait, did I spell that right? LULZ! :P

Well, that was fun, boys! Hoping for a prosperous 2020 for ALL you establishment insiders there! LULZ! Teddiecakes XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx 💋

Author: Wallace Runnymede

I've been writing satire for many years, and I've been published on many sites! Follow me on Twitter, and have a look at my books on Amazon! I've also had some poetry published by Sad Press recently: look out for 'Centrifugue!' I am also a founding member of the #AutisticDarkWeb: check the hashtag out on Twitter! Money's tight, so please consider dropping me $1 a month on Patreon (see link below). All my Patreon subscribers get certain benefits, including exclusive content, way in advance of anyone else!

1 thought on “Gay Old Party Strikes Again! Auntie Lindsay 2020, the Closet Choice! (Ted Haggard Guest Post)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.