“A NEW CYRUS!” Franklin Graham & Top Televangelists Endorse 2nd ISIS Caliph

Televangelism

The recent death of the ISIS caliph has shaken the world! Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is likely to remembered for a long time as a flamboyant and highly controversial figure who is widely known for his alternative music (grand) wizardry and mildly idiosyncratic religious views, not to mention his somewhat unusual sexual proclivities. 

But time moves on, and there’s a new chopper on the block…

Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi!

And he’s already got some new support from other prominent religious figures globally.

For one, prominent end of days doommonger Franklin Graham says:

There are a lot of people out there who assume that just because the new Caliph (Peace Be Upon Him) is a bad guy, that God can’t use him for his own ends. Well, people who say that are complete theological illiterates! God sometimes uses bad tools for good ends: remember King Cyrus? Well, he raised up Trump, so I can’t see why he can’t make use of the Caliph too!

Shrivelled old sack of crazy serpent venom Pat Robertson says:

There is simply no way on earth the Lord can return, unless Israel be finally DESTROYED. Now this is not ME saying it, it’s… It’s, it’s, it’s the LORD himself! Search the scriptures diligently: until someone finally commits some kind of evil, of a terrible crime and you know, that destroys Jerusalem and commits all kind of horrible atrocities, the return of the Lord God almighty will be deferred indefinitely! The sheer wickedness of those who want to stand in the way of the Lord’s return, I mean I don’t know about you, but I think I’m about ready for Jesus to come back, and to finish this old wicked world once and for all! And if that means adopting the new ISIS caliph as another Cyrus, well so be it!

Hysterical tax-dodging scam artist ‘Dr’ Kent Hovind more or less posthumously shrieks:

ISIS are “EVIL?!” Where’s the evidence! I just want to see the evidence! This is just a theory! Anyhow we all know God sometime uses the most batshit crazy, corrupt, morally bankrupt people to promote his agenda… Well I should know!

Rumors the ISIS caliph is less than enamoured with his new allies remain to be confirmed. Some think these new endorsements are something of a millstone around his neck…

I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see!

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Author: Wallace Runnymede

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