EPIC TRUMPISMS! (P.S. Welcome Richard Seltzer… Please Share!) ;)

Donald Trump

1 What should do you tell Donald Trump when he’s going to bed at night? “Tweet dreams.”

2 What misunderstanding led to Trump’s disbelief in global warming? He thought the scientists said it would lead to climax change.

3 Coded message meaning that Donald Trump has arrived: The ego has landed.

4 Why didn’t Trump dare to go to Georgia? He was afraid of being impeached.

5 Why would Trump make a bad general? He loves to retweet.

6 Why did Donald Trump hire a veterinarian? He had to pick a cabinet and needed to vet them.

7 Rumor has it that Trump hasn’t stood up in weeks. Apparently, Giuliani assured him that Mueller can’t indict a sitting president.

8 Title for a love story about Trump and Stormy Daniels – Terms of Impeachment.

9 Trump is very religious. When he sees a tall blond, he drops to his knees and prays: “Now I lay you…”

10 Trump never joined the priesthood… because he preferred to be a lay man!

11 Change in US foreign policy from Obama to Trump: From rapprochement to reproachment.

12 Trump motto: You don’t need to be above reproach if you are above the law!

13 No wonder the country’s moral compass is off. The real estate magnet is screwing it up.

14 While McCain lies in state, Trump lies in Twitter…

15 Sing a song of sick Pence, a pocket full of lies. Racial slur, racial slur, all fall down!

16 When Trump finally resigns, the nation will be on Pence and needles…

17 The Rump is our sitting president. No one can stand him.

18 Trump at the UN– the world stooge on the world stage!

19 I imagine a cartoon with Trump in the witness stand, refusing to answer questions and saying, “I plead the 25th Amendment.”

20 The world contract bridge association changed its rules so no would would have to say “Trump.” Now they say “treason” instead.

21 The lastest news from the Mars InSight — The only feature on Earth big enough to be seen from Mars is Trump’s ego.

22 Trump decided he wants de-wall instead of de-fence. But nobody wants the job of Secretary of De-Wall.

23 Trump’s theme song – Deutsche Bank uber alles. His fantasy – Alles in Wonderland!

24 Trump talking to his minions about Cohen — “Don’t trust that guy. He has no loyalty. He would turn on a dime.”

25 Trump was guilty of so many crimes that the judge combined his sentences into paragraphs, and paragraphs into chapters, and threw the book at him.

26 Wagner’s prophetic opera – The Fall of the House of Trump or Gutterdammerung…

27 When the report is finally made public, it will known in history as The Mueller Retort.

28 Trump has twits instead of wits.

29 Trump’s prayer: Now I lie me, I pray the Lord my tweets to keep.

30 A drunken Trump, driving down a highway at night, lost control. His car left the roadway and rolled over and over down the hillside. When police and ambulance got to him, he kept muttering, “No collision. There was no collision.”

31 Trump celebrates that he is cured. But he isn’t even in remission. His legal cancer has metastasized.

32 Trump believes in checks and balances — writing and cashing checks and increasing his bank balance.

33 When Trump wakes up in the morning he reads the noose. Whether it’s good noose or fake noose, he knows it’s his noose — he’s getting the hang of the job.

34 When it comes to politics, polls are the outlier. For every North Poll, there’s a South Poll that contradicts it. You can’t lie better than that.

35 Trump believes in free speech. He never charges for his rallies. Charging would reduce attendance, and it’s all about crowd size.

36 With Trump acting crazier every day, where is the tipping point? The tipping point comes when the meal is over, i.e., when the nation is fed up with him.

37 If Trump ever testifies before Congress, he should plead the 25th — innocent by reason of insanity.

38 Trump hates everything green. So once he buys Greenland and the glaciers melt to streams he’ll rename it Donnybrook.

39 Of course Trump has the backing of religious conservatives. He’s a porn-again Christian.

40 Title for a love story about Trump and Stormy Daniels — Terms of Impeachment.

41 Trump’s prayer: Now I lie me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my tweets to keep.

42 Definition of “polaritis” — finding new ways to drive people apart. Example: “American” doesn’t say who I am. Canadians and Mexicans are Americans. I’m an USan, and proud of it.

43 We are redefining normal behavior based on the standard deviant in the White House.

44 The latest mass shootings were incite jobs. We have a very inciteful president…

45 Someone who freaks out when he can’t get toast for breakfast has lack toast intolerance.

46 Maybe impeachment would get more traction if we called it “Trexit!”

47 Definition of volun-tearism: Perpetually marching for and raising money for important causes (gun control, Immigration…) that Trump crushes with a tweet.

48 Trump’s Oaf of Office — I, Donald Trump, in order to form a more perfect fortune, solemnly promise never to reveal my tax returns.

49 Impeachment, the word itself makes me smile — the image of Trump buried in a pile of rotten peaches.

50 Why didn’t Trump drain the swamp? He wanted to protect the wetlands and to save jailbirds from extinction.

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More Trumpism here! Second round…

Author: Richard Seltzer

Now a publisher of electronic books, I worked for DEC, the minicomputer company, for 19 years, as writer, marketing consultant, and "Internet Evangelist." I graduated from Yale, with a major in English, and earned an MA from the U. of Mass. at Amherst in Comparative Literature (French, Russian, and German). At Yale, I had creative writing courses with Robert Penn Warren and Joseph Heller. Personal web site (with over 1000 documents) http://www.seltzerbooks.com My published works include: The Name of Hero, historical novel (Houghton Mifflin) Ethiopia Through Russian Eyes, translation from the Russian (Red Sea Press) "...the most important book on the history of eastern Africa to have been published for a century...." Old Africa The Lizard of Oz satiric fantasy, "An intriguing and very entertaining little novel" Library Journal The AltaVista Search Revolution, the first consumer book about search engines (McGraw-Hill) "indispensable" Library Journal, Winner of the Distinguished Technical Communication Award, the highest award given by the Society for Technical Communication Publications. Web Business Bootcamp (Wiley) Complete list at http://seltzerbooks.com/books/seltzer.html Follow me on Twitter! @SeltzerBooks

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