The Resurgence of Witchdoctors in the U.S. Healthcare System

If you are a donkey, i.e. an ass, then you likely wish the United States would just get on with the universal healthcare. If you are an elephant, which is Latin for the hole of an ass, then you probably think universal healthcare is stupid. And why do you think it’s stupid? Well, from what I’ve encountered, it’s because you met one Canadian or European dude who came to the U.S. seeking medical treatment.

Wow, bravo. You met a minority. Wherever you go, this place will always snow. And by snow, I mean cocaine. And by cocaine, I mean there is always a percentage of people that disagree with some aspect of the society they live in. Nevertheless, those handful of Canadians that say the universal healthcare in Canada sucks don’t represent the entire Canadian population.

Always remember statistics, even when they make your argument look like shit. Now, I do want to sincerely apologize for my rant above. While I could have easily deleted the previous paragraph and act like I didn’t just say the term “elephant” is Latin for asshole, I felt that my readers, who I swear aren’t just my mother, truly need to understand the frustration and hardship I am under due to our current healthcare system. See, I just got back from a freakin’ leech treatment. Yup, you read that right. Earlier today, I had about 20 leeches throwing a blood suckling party all over my back. And while I wish I could say this happened to me at a My Chemical Romance reunion concert, I can’t. It was actually my new doctor, a local witchdoctor, who conducted the procedure.

A witchdoctor? How dumb are you? What are you some kind of Scientologist? No, Becky. I’m am no Scientologist, which is Latin for lizard people. And with all these Latin translation drops, I’m obviously not dumb. Also, you go by Becky, so you have no right to judge. And you think I want to go to a witchdoctor? You think I want 20 leeches doing their leech-thing on my back? Fuck to the no I don’t. I would love to get my back treated by a normal MD-holding doctor. That would be quite nice. I would’ve gotten an X-Ray, some pain meds, maybe even a good ol’-fashioned spinal surgery.

But no, I can’t afford a real doctor. But you’re employed full-time, paid a decent salary, and your employer provides health insurance coverage for you. So, how can you not afford seeing a real doctor? Look Becky, I understand why you might think your thoughts. However, you obviously don’t know shit. So, I’ll try to briefly break it down for you. Yes, I am employed full-time and my employer provides insurance. However, about $100 is taken out of every paycheck for health insurance. Well, my health insurance has a $4,000 deductible, so I get to pay full price for those X-ray’s.

Also, about 95% of my paycheck goes to paying rent, utilities, car, phone, food, student debt, etc. So, besides the free annual physical exam, going to the doctor ain’t a thing. And before you say it, I have looked into why my employer doesn’t provide better health insurance coverage, Becky. While they won’t admit it, employers just don’t want to pay for health insurance anymore. They’re tired of pretending to give a shit about your problems and that you’re more than just a number to them. Instead, they blame Obamacare: “O-bama-care is why we can’t hook you up with that dope ass cheap insurance no more.”

I try to take care of my health, I always have actually. I don’t have to see the doctor very often but now every time I do have to it’s going to cost me dearly. Will it make much of a difference if I just jog for longer? Should I alter my diet even more? I’m even taking a natural health supplement called Total Restore which has been working great for me actually. I thought you normally didn’t feel the difference with those so you were never sure if they worked, but I guess I had just been trying not very effective ones so far. This one makes a difference, and you can tell. Highly doubt it’ll keep me out of the doctor’s office forever though.

Unfortunately, since I understand the need for taxes, I get to go see Dr. Magatu. And trust me, I am not the only patient of Dr. Magatu’s Healing Emporium. He actually had to recently stop accepting new patients. After hearing of Dr. Magatu’s decent healing powers, and even more importantly, his extremely low-cost fees from some friends and coworkers, I figured it was time to YOLO down on towards Dr. Magatu’s. And I’m not kidding when I say extremely low-cost, I’m talking $30 and a live frog, which are surprisingly quite easy to obtain. What’s even more surprising is that Dr. Magatu is considered one of the most expensive witchdoctors to see in the state.

Yup, you didn’t misread that. Not only are Dr. Magatu’s prices on the high side, there’s a rising surge of witchdoctors all over the country. And though this rise is still fairly new, seeing your local witchdoctor will likely become the new norm in the next few years. So, get ready for leeches, mustard baths, and Ayahuasca-a hallucinogenic beverage, because it’s coming. Let’s pray these leeches cured my back, cause if not, Dr. Magatu’s next procedure for me will be Cupping Therapy, which means I’ll likely become a Canadian hey!


Author: John Rogers