Tag Archive | "Pope Francis"

A Vatican Rockstar Who Pulls No Punches


I know the Pope’s comments are from a while back; but don’t forget that much of the media are still giving a simplified, sanitized picture of Pope Francis for general consumption!

This being so, it’s definitely worth taking a long, hard, critical look at the most fashionable, genial, and photogenic clerical superstar since His Most Hot-Ass Holy-Buffness the Dalai Lama.

If my good friend Dr. Gasparri says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch,” Francis said half-jokingly (sic!), throwing a mock punch his way. “It’s normal. You cannot provoke. You cannot insult the faith of others. You cannot make fun of the faith of others.”

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Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass


WASHINGTON – Congressman James Bath took advantage of his proximity to Pope Francis during his address to Congress to steal the Pope’s water glass and gulp some of the sacred Washington, DC tap water.

Luckily when the Pope’s throat went dry during his speech to Congress a quick-witted intern replaced the glass with a fresh one.

Bath explained: “It’s well worth it to break one of God’s Ten Holy Commandments in order to save my soul and the souls of my family by dousing myself and my family in the Pope’s holy water.”
“Because I have to be sure that it really is the Pope’s glass, I am having it tested for fingerprints and DNA —using devoutly Catholic forensic specialists naturally. If the immortal souls of these forensic scientists are also saved via their contact with this holy water glass — I won’t call it a holy grail exactly— I don’t have a problem with that. I suppose they deserve it.” Read the full story

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‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ No, Says Republican Congressman


Dennis Ladel, a Republican congressman from central Arkansas, says Pope Francis ‘is not Catholic enough to be Pope’.

The freshman congressman objected to a number of positions the Pope took softening the Church opposition on gay civil unions, contraception and divorce.

Mr. Ladels comments, aside from sparking a backlash from Catholics worldwide, may have greater implications by throwing into question millions of decisions that were confirmed by the phrase ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ Read the full story

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Vatican Ruthlessly Canonizes Ungrateful Dead Infidel


A scandalous leaked document from the Vatican highlights an utterly disgraceful and absolutely unbelievable lapse of judgment on the part of top Church authorities…

One which will almost certainly make the Church’s reputation plummet to unprecedented depths.

But what is it? Read the full story

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Megachurch Enterpreneur Launches Hostile Takeover of Vatican


Pope Francis has recently denounced the efforts by notable megachurch entrepreneur Merle Swaggett to buy out the Vatican and run the Church on a more modern basis:

The Catholic Church has been around for a fairly long time, but there are some who envy our long track record of spiritual and material success. Read the full story

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2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)


We continue this week with Part II of Glossy News’ Year in Review for 2014. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much, but it’s here for the curious.

A couple of wars, a few natural disasters and a political scandal or two – pretty much a replay of 2010 through 2013. Check it out here. Let’s continue now with Part II. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay? Read the full story

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Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime


It seems not everybody is charmed by Pope Francis. Indeed, one prominent US politician, Nancy Pelosi, is planning very stern measures to punish what she considers to be the brutal and savage policies and order of governance by His Holiness.

In a tearful Youtube video that Britney Spears has already endorsed, Pelosi explains: “The Church humiliated me™ because of my Principled Liberal Moral Stances™. Read the full story

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Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul


When University of Notre Dame officials announced Wednesday that they were building a $400 million extension onto its football stadium, many were initially critical of the project’s price tag.

But one notable critic has come forward to oppose the project on moral and religious grounds. That critic is the leader of the global Catholic Church. Read the full story

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Posted in ReligionismComments (2)

Pope Francis Announces Closing of Church


The planet breathed a sigh of relief today as Pope Francis finally announced the official closing of the Catholic Church and End of All Christianity.

In a largely unanticipated statement, Pope Francis once again departed from papal tradition when he continued his recent trend of demonstrating a moderately sane perception of the states of society and religion in general and Christianity in particular by announcing that henceforth there shall be no Christianity whatsoever, as the act of worshipping had become so perverted throughout history as to warrant the abolition of such behaviors altogether. Read the full story

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Rush Limbaugh blasts Pope Francis and the Jesus he rode in on


Responding to Pope Francis’s warning that the “idolatry of money” leads to a “new tyranny,” the conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh spoke on behalf of the demonic powers that govern the material world and that only genuine followers of Jesus can detect.

Just seven or eight such followers currently reside in the United States and when they listen to Limbaugh speak on the radio they report hearing “the howling of the damned” in the background. Read the full story

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Pope Francis’s Superficial Christlikeness is Miraculous, Observers Say


Dateline: VATICAN—Experts agree that Pope Francis has made a concerted effort to change people’s impression of the Catholic Church, by adopting a less ostentatious style of public relations, leading non-Christians and Christians alike to be astonished that a Christian in the modern age would dare to be even superficially Christlike.

Instead of staying in the papal apartments in the Apostolic Palace, the pope lives in a guesthouse, he wears simpler vestments than his predecessors, he drives in a 30-year old, nonfortified, used Renault instead of the traditional Popemobile, he carries his own luggage, he meets people from his front door rather than from a balcony, he washed the feet of criminal offenders, and he took the name Francis in honour of the saint who devoted himself to humility and the poor. Read the full story

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Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately


VATICAN CITY- Allegations arose today as some parents of affected children have come out and told reporters about the lack of abuse shown to their children, directly correlated to Pope Francis.

“When he kisses them, it’s on their forehead, and always followed by a blessing or a prayer,” says one Catholic watchdog reporter. “It’s unlike anything we have ever seen before. Benedict at least had that Nazi youth look in his eye when he was around children, with this guy, there’s nothing.” Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (6)

Pope Francis to Allow Fellatio; Cunnilingus


Newly elected Pope Francis announced today that he will allow parishioners over the age of 50 the option of giving and receiving fellatio and cunnilingus to ensure “marital harmony and to enhance the sex lives of the faithful”.

Ora sex has always been forbidden by the Catholic Church as it violates the Bible’s edict to “go forth and multiply” but the new pontiff said that men and women beyond childbearing years no longer assume that burden.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

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