Pope Francis to Allow Fellatio, Cunnilingus

Newly elected Pope Francis announced today that he will allow parishioners over the age of 50 the option of giving and receiving fellatio and cunnilingus to ensure “marital harmony and to enhance the sex lives of the faithful”.

Ora sex has always been forbidden by the Catholic Church as it violates the Bible’s edict to “go forth and multiply” but the new pontiff said that men and women beyond childbearing years no longer assume that burden.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

“A young person can’t be fruitful and multiply if his penis is in her mouth or if his face is buried in her snatch!” the Pope declared. “But for older folks I see no reason why not”.

55 year old Daily churchgoer Anthony Cassini said, “I’ve been asking my wife for a blow job for 30 years but she kept saying, ‘no, it offends God’. Now she’ll have no excuses!”

Cassini’s wife Jessica said, “if he expects me to suck him off then he better be prepared to do some serious munching!”

Some of the younger parishioners were not as excited about the new Papal policy. “I don’t want to wait until I’m 50 before I can get a blow job”, said newly married 25 year old Michael McGinty.

The Pontiff did ask each married couple who engages in oral sex to make sure the woman has passed menopause.

The Pope said he will clarify issues regarding S&M, masturbation and the use of sex toys in the near future.

Author: NickFun

Is it REALLY all that important that you know my biography? Do you want to know the litany of women I have slept with? Do you need to know where I work or what I do for a living? Is there something about my life you can't bear not knowing? PERV!!!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? USE THIS COMMENTS SECTION TO PUT THE WORLD TO RIGHTS...