Tag Archive | "nancy pelosi"

Making Law like Sausages


October 8th’s release of the “Billy Bush Tapes” couldn’t stop a Republican avalanche exactly one month later. The Republicans maintained their decided advantage in both the US House and Senate.

Donald Trump snuck out an electoral college win and put #Pussygate in his rear view mirror.

In January of 2009, Democrats had a similar configuration. They seized the opportunity to pass a 2,700 page healthcare bill that was on a website for viewing a scant 72 hours prior to the vote. Speaker Nancy Pelosi famously said “we have to pass (the bill)…(so we) can find out what’s in it.” Read the full story

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Til Death Hairdo Us Part: Trump’s Hair Speaks at Condom Conference


Warren, Michigan – Donald Trump’s body may no longer be a living entity, but his hair, a combination of locks, tresses and curls, continues to carry on the great legacy of the man who will forever be known as the front-runner of the 2016 presidential election until he succumbed to death in a game of Battleship against Nancy Pelosi last week. Trump’s hair most recently spoke at the Chris Christie Condom Conference held on Friday afternoon that was sponsored by Republican Chris Christie’s presidential campaign. Trump and Christie, competitors in the upcoming election, remained close friends and were together at the time of his passing.

“Donald was always a fan of safe sex,” Trump’s hair stated as it magically floated like a butterfly on the stage at the popular Riverside Theater on Elm Street. Regarded as “Mr. Trump,” the hair has continued to run business as usual, following in the footsteps of its longtime host and owner. “He had the same answer for ISIS as he did for keeping sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) at bay. Put a highly durable latex coating over it,” Mr. Trump added, while pointing to a poster on the wall behind him containing the fifty shades of great condoms. Read the full story

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Donald Trump Dead!


WASHINGTON, DC – Nancy Pelosi delivered a devastating blow to the Republican Party Monday afternoon by defeating leading Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, in a fierce game of Battleship that ended with Pelosi sinking Trump’s aircraft carrier. With a call of C-8, an overshadowing Pelosi gazed directly into the eyes of the man who has disrupted the lives of all other politicians since his campaign was officially launched on June 16, 2015.

“Back off Warchild, seriously.” Pelosi quoted Bodhi from her favorite movie Point Break that was recently remade and released on Christmas Day. However, Pelosi favors the original film that was released in 1991 and stars Hollywood hot-shot, Keanu Reeves and the late Patrick Swayze.

“Oh, that Patrick,” Pelosi gently murmured to reporters from the chair in which she killed the American business magnate whose hair was styled in the shape of a rabid cat to scare his opponent. “This was a battle won at the hands of Milton Bradley for the American People. We have rid the Presidential pool of Donald Trump!” Pelosi violently shouted with a continuous surge in energy, finishing her short speech standing up in her chair. Read the full story

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Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution


In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.

Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional… Read the full story

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Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions


After a lull of a few years, Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again.

Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent years.

How so? Well, it turns out that God is just not a Belieber.

“Well… I don’t want to say for sure whether the Lord is punishing the USA because of this fine young man’s singing.

“I mean, I’m not gonna tell you to whom you shall listen and to whom you shall not. That is your choice, but I will just say this… Read the full story

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Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime


It seems not everybody is charmed by Pope Francis. Indeed, one prominent US politician, Nancy Pelosi, is planning very stern measures to punish what she considers to be the brutal and savage policies and order of governance by His Holiness.

In a tearful Youtube video that Britney Spears has already endorsed, Pelosi explains: “The Church humiliated me™ because of my Principled Liberal Moral Stances™. Read the full story

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Nancy Pelosi to Reprise Role in Sequel to Brazil Movie


Hollywood – Nancy Pelosi has agreed to appear in the sequel to the 1985 movie, Brazil. The trippy movie based on George Orwell’s book, 1984, is scheduled to be released in late 2015.

Pelosi appeared in the original film to play Mrs. Ida Lowry whose most famous scene shows the woman’s face being stretched like Silly Putty.

The casting is a coup for the studio because of the untold thousands of dollars they will save on makeup, labor and special effects for Pelosi’s character. Read the full story

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Koch Bros. Buy Democratic Party, Harry Reid Short Circuits


Washington, D.C. – The Koch Brothers have had it with Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader from Nevada, and his constant railing against the brothers every time he props himself up against the podium on the floor of the Senate to spew asinine comments in recent months. So they bought the Democratic Party.

RIGHT: The Koch brothers share the dais with Senator Reid. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com. Read the full story

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Congress Declares Global War on ‘The Heebie-Jeebies’


WASHINGTON—On Monday, Congress unanimously approved the Authorization for Use of Force against Unpleasant Lifeforms (AUFUL) joint resolution, effectively declaring war on what the Obama administration calls “the heebie-jeebies.”

After signing the resolution into law, the president will have full authorization to eliminate a broad, unspecified range of icky targets. Read the full story

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GOP Agrees to Raise Debt Ceiling (if 19th Amendment Repealed)


House Majority leader Eric Cantor and Republican House Speaker John Boehner agreed to a short-term budget and debt ceiling increase of 7-9 days, so long as women’s right to vote is repealed. Democrats considering the measure.

The government shutdown is in its third week, and with the debt ceiling crisis only hours away, House republicans lead by serial killer sympathist Dave Reichert (R-WA) have come up with the first compromise that doesn’t involve de-funding the Affordable Care Act.

“It’s simple,” said Reichert, from his still-fully-staffed Washington office, “If the Democrats agree to repeal the 19th amendment, we’ll allow this rampant, destructive spending practice to continue another week or so.”

Dave Reichert is famous as the man who let convicted murderer Gary Ridgeway roam the streets for decades while pursuing dead leads against a cab driver, who ultimately was destroyed by the scandal.

“We’ll cave to pretty much anything at this point,” said Democratic Senate Majority Leader and wet towel Harry Reid. “They’re [the GOP] ready to drive the entire world economy off a cliff to placate the fringe of their party, and we [Democrats] just want stability in the world.”

When asked if Democrats were once more being spineless in the face of Republican obstinance, Reid answered, “Next question.”

President Obama indicated he would sign the bill, but indicated he may use the line-item veto to take out the part about restricting the right of women to vote.

House Republicans, eager to balance the budget, have repeatedly proposed stripping out the Medical Device Tax, which would add roughly $40 billion to the deficit in the next ten years. It makes no sense, but you have to look at it from their perspective, which is that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim Socialist, and in that light, while it still makes no sense, at least makes you feel something inside.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas went on air late last night saying, “The bill doesn’t go far enough. Women shouldn’t vote, we have enough votes in both houses to prove it. But women also shouldn’t be driving. What is this, Saudi Arabia where a small handful drive sometimes with impunity?”

Imams from Bob Jones University and Focus on the Family agreed that this is only a small step toward resolution, and that when the issue comes up again in about a week, further deep concessions will be required from the Democrats to keep the government from destroying the world economy and throwing a hundred nations into economic turmoil.

Former Speaker, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, “We are open to discussions.”

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Congress and Senate Forced to Enroll in Hooked on Phonics


Congress has come under intense scrutiny in recent years for not reading the bills they pass. Regarding the recently passed health care bill Nancy Pelosi has gone on record stating “We have to pass the bill so that we can find out what is in it.” Read the full story

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Rationalist Party Nominates Neil deGrasse Tyson for President


This afternoon, after polling the five thousand intelligent and educated people in the United States, the recently-formed Rationalist Party announced its nomination of Neil deGrasse Tyson for President.

The Rationalist Party was formed in early 2010 by fellows of the Center for Inquiry – a non-profit organization with the mission of fostering a secular society based on science, reason, freedom of inquiry and humanist values. The party’s platform generally reflects the values of scientists and advocates for science and reason. Read the full story

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Crayola Announces New “John Boehner Orange” Crayon Color


Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Read the full story

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House Really Falls On California Witch


SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — “Right out of a movie” would be the best way to describe the recent events that plagued former Speaker of the House and part-time witch, Nancy Pelosi. On Tuesday, the “House” hit her squarely on the head.

Found staggering and cross-eyed, the once-upon-a-time Congressional leader complained that her much beloved House had turned against her, bludgeoning her on the head as she was jogging along Fremont Street in San Francisco. According to eye witness accounts, the incident was observed by several androgynous midgets and a mysterious teenager from the Midwest, clutching a mangy puppy. Read the full story

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Deposed Pelosi Hostage Crisis Continues


It began as a beautiful Autumnal morning in our nation’s capitol, but at this writing many probably wonder if they’ll survive the day. Those close to speaker Pelosi have told Glossy News they’ve never known her to act out like that.

Yet this morning around 9:00 a heavily armed Pelosi arrived at her offices, in what witnesses describe as ‘Rambo gear.’ In the developing saga, it appears Ms. Pelosi is holding seventeen hostages in her offices, including the coffee lady, Wanda Carlson. Ms. Carlson was elected spokesperson for the group, after beating back a brief filibuster attempt from Craig the copier tech. Read the full story

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Pelosi Vows to Shorten Abortion Waiting Period to a Year


CHICAGOLAND, Illinois (GlossyNews) — With the advent of National Socialized Medicine, Democratic supporters squeaked in a provision that allows free abortions upon demand for any women who desires one.

Cited as free choice and a right of all women, the Pelosi sponsored amendment was added at the last moment once it was discovered that Congress had the necessary votes to pass an unpopular bill which is vastly unsupported by a vast majority of Americans. Many simply state they like our present healthcare the way it is…The best in the world. Read the full story

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