Trump’s Government Shutdown: EXCLUSIVE Glossy News Expose of Previously Unknown Discussions!

Washington, DC- Previously censored footage has thrown some light on the recent shutdown decision, and on the deliberations made beforehand. 

First, the White House announced that President Donald Trump was unhappy about the latest Continued Resolution (CR), passed by Congress not long ago, which was to temporarily fund the government for an additional two months and avoid shutting down key agencies on Friday; but which also failed to provide funding for construction of a new wall at the southern border.

“At this moment, the President does not want to go further without border security, which includes steel slats or a wall. The President is continuing to weigh his options,” White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said in a statement issued before the shutdown.

“After careful consideration, including some past criticisms leveled by the members of the Democratic Party, the President has indicated that he is willing to make some compromises, but in return… he’s has come up with a few new demands.”

“President Trump understands that one of the biggest points of contention with the construction of The Wall has to do with it’s physical appearance. The President is well aware that the very sight of a concrete structure can be off putting to some, and he wants Democrats to know that he will make sure that The Wall is not only very, very big, but that it meets the Presidents personal aesthetic standards, which are without question, very, very, high.”

“The President has engaged in discussions with the Army Corp of Engineers, and has floated the idea of adding an 800 mile long moat to the base of The Wall, as well as a cat walk with ramparts across the top as a further deterrent. He’s also been in contact with Elon Musk’s Boring Company, who he’s commissioned to submit designs for a catapult that he’d like to place at all ports of entry. These catapults would serve a dual purpose; primarily as a cheaper, faster way to deport those caught crossing the border illegally, and secondarily as an effective way to permanently close the border in an emergency situation.”

On top of these new demands, the statement offered a rare look into some of the ways in which the President has been influenced as his vision of The Wall has evolved over the last year.

“The President, who is personally involved in negotiations with the World Series Champion, Boston Red Socks regarding a possible White House visit early next year, just learned that Fenway Park’s famed “Green Monster” stands 37.2 feet tall, which towers over current fencing (21 feet tall), and all of the prototype fences (30 feet tall) constructed in 2017. It is the Presidents feeling that The Wall should, at the very minimum, stand no less than 37.3 feet tall to ensure that it is the tallest Wall of them all.”

“Of course, this will require an additional $1.5 Billion to cover the increase in height,” the statement continued, “but this shouldn’t be an issue, considering the people of Mexico will be paying for these new modifications through revenue generated by the USMCA (United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement). If Congress is not willing to fund our request, we will have no other option, but to shutdown the government until our demands are met. We are committed to keeping America safe, and will continue to rely on proven methods of the past, to help ensure our safety in the future.”

Republican members of Congress were quick to blast the President‘s statements on Shitter:

“At this point I have to question whether or not the President even understands the concept of leverage. He needs to sign this CR now. Period. He’s already taken ownership of the shutdown, (to the peril of Republicans) if it happens. Mr. President, we just threw you a goddamned life jacket… I suggest you put it on.”

-Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

“Once again the President has demonstrated that he doesn’t understand the basic tenants of negotiation. If you continue to do the same thing over and over, yet expect different results, you are the very definition of insane.”

-House Majority Leader Paul Ryan (R-WI)

“I have sided with the President on multiple issues, but I cannot support this latest list of demands. I understand the symbolism of an imposing wall, but you’ve got to pick and choose your battles. I’m all for winning, but that is untenable at this point. I’m sorry that your Friends at Fox don’t like the CR, but Tucker will get over it. Pass the CR and we’ll work to blame the Democrats for the shutdown in February.”

-Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

Meanwhile, Democratic members of Congress on Shitter seamed upbeat and amused.

“This keeps getting better and better. If this is how the President operates when he’s “Winning,” I can’t wait to see what “Losing” looks like.”

-Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

“The Democratic Party has to look at changing our strategy with this Administration. Every time they do something stupid, we should just sit back and let them keep digging. “Don’t worry Mr. President, you’ll get to China eventually.” If this keeps up, sooner or later it’ll be the Senate Republicans who push for us to initiate impeachment proceedings.”

-House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."