Tucker Carlson Declares War Against Color…  Specifically Blue

Washington, DC- Viewers of Fox News Networks Tucker Carlson Tonight have grown accustomed to the prime time host’s fiery brand of socially driven commentary, since his show replaced the popular O’Reilly Factor earlier this year.

Carlson proved to the world that he wasn’t just another partisan mouthpiece when he leveled accusations of political bias against fellow Fox host, and meteorologist, Rick Reichmuth during a segment on last Wednesday’s show.

The two Fox personalities had seemed to bond throughout the segment while they discussed issues like global warming, and their shared aversion to the outdoors; but as the topic moved to Hurricane Willa, the two hosts nearly came to blows.

Reichmuth began to explain the dangers of ocean swells caused by hurricanes, which can be more devastating than the impact of the storm itself, cuing up a graphic to provide visuals for his commentary. The graphic showed an image of a giant, blue tidal wave headed straight for Mexico.

It was to this graphic that Carlson took offense. The host pointed out that the wave was the color blue, and insinuated the color choice was a thinly veiled slight against the President. Carlson then called Reichmuth a “liberal scumbag,” and appeared to rear back to throw a punch when the show suddenly went to an unscheduled commercial break.

On Tuesday’s broadcast, Carlson once again made the issue of color a point of contention during the last segment of his show, while discussing midterm election losses and the future of party leadership, with House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). McCarthy is the number two house Republican, is considered the front runner for Minority Leader in the next congressional term.

After briefly discussing McCarthy’s qualifications, the host asked the Majority Leader to share his thoughts about some of his possible challengers for the position. McCarthy seemed to be enjoying himself throughout the segment, calling fellow hopeful and House Freedom Caucus member, Jim Jordan (R-OH), “a Dexter lookalike, only creepier,” and even joked that despite being shot at a Congressional baseball practice in June of 2017, Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), “was in his sights.”

The congressman even took shots at a pair of former Republican Speakers by assigning them colorful new nicknames as the show went to a commercial break; John “Morning Wood” Boehner, and Newt “She turned me into a Newt” Gingrich.

Returning from the commercial break, Carlson asked McCarthy for his thoughts regarding potential Democratic candidates for the role of House Speaker. Of House Minority Whip, Steny Hoyer (D-MD) McCarthy lamented, “Steny’s a very good friend, but his record is terrible, and he is woefully under qualified. He will not fight to protect the rights of the unborn, he is a lousy shot with a rifle, and what kind of name is Steny, anyways?”

Next, Carlson brought up Democratic hopeful and progressive darling Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. McCarthy had a good laugh when he declared, “I’m pretty sure we’re going to be dealing with this chicks nonsense for the next 20 years, but she hasn’t done anything, except win an election in a very Democratic district. Sure, she’s got a very nice set of legs, which should serve her fundraising apparatus well, but seriously Tucker, you’ve seen her speeches. She’s terrible at math.”

After running through a list of long shot candidates, which included Policy Committee Co-Chairs, Rosa DeLauro (D-CT) and Eric Swalwell (D-CA), Carlson finally brought up the most likely democratic candidate, Minority Leader and former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

As McCarthy began his attack on Pelosi’s record, a graphic of the California Democrat wearing a red suit flashed across the screen. It was then that an enraged Carlson cut off his guest, and, much to the delight of his viewers, let loose one of his customary, angry rants.

The Fox News Host seemed to be speaking to somebody off camera, when he shouted, “Dan, what the hell is this?” leveling a finger at the graphic.

“That’s Nancy Pelosi,” a barely audible voice is heard telling Carlson.

“I know that Dan,” the host snapped. “But… what is she wearing.”

McCarthy, who later told reporters he thought he was witnessing a “television shtick,”chimed in saying, “Red,” and began to hum the Chris De Burgh hit “Lady in Red.”

“Can it Mac,” Carlson replied sharply, silencing McCarthy. “I can see she’s wearing red. Do you think I’m color blind or something? I just want to know why, of all the photos you had to pick from Dan, do you pick the one where she’s wearing Red? RED DAN! RED! Don’t you see what she’d doing here? She’s mocking us. She’s fucking mocking us in her red suit.”

“Don’t you understand that she’s wearing that goddamned red suit because she knows that red is OUR team color! We’re red, they’re blue, and now she’s fucking that up. I see what’s going on here and I’m not just going to let it pass. I’m not going to just stand by and let that Blue Bitch come onto my program while she attempts to appropriate my favorite fucking color, without putting up a fight!”

After that, Carlson demanded that, “Congress should do something about this.” Pointing a finger at his guest, the host asked McCarthy, “isn’t there some kind of law you can pass that would prevent this from happening? How the hell am I supposed to tell the Democrats from the Republicans if they don’t stick to their own colors? I mean what the hell is happening to this world. It used to be, if a guy is white he’s a Republican, and if he has a wife, she’s a Republican, too. Now we got Republicans of all freaking colors, liberal white men, Muslim Mosques in mid-west cities, and now Nancy Fucking Pelosi is wearing a red suit! This is unacceptable, Kevin, unacceptable!”

McCarthy sat stone faced and did not respond.

“Better yet Kevin, you should pass a law that prohibits Democrats from wearing red at all, and you should completely ban the color blue outright. And when I say blue, I mean every shade of that wretched color. I don’t want any of it anymore. No cobalt, no azure, no sky, no cerulean, and no goddamned cornflower blue… do you hear me? If the democrats want to play games, I say lets play some fucking games. If they want a war, I’ll give ‘em a goddamned war. Tonight, for the sake of conservatives all across this great nation, from Utah to Kentucky, from North Dakota to the great state of Texas, I, Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson, do hereby declare war… on the color Blue.”

Carlson ended the show as he often does, by trashing the set as the credits rolled. Despite the Fox News Host’s latest outburst, he continues to be the top rated cable program for the 8:00-9:00 PM time slot.


Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."