Tag Archive | "media"

John Kerry Finally Gets Around to Threatening Glossynews: Syrian Cooking Pots…


John Kerry has threatened the pitiful Unamerican/Uncosmopolitan “satire” outlet “Glossynews” with humanitarian annihilation, if we do not shape up.

Read the transcript, and promise me not to laugh. This shit is serious.

The illegitimate Glossynews editorial regime and its vicious hack collaborators, for too long, have defied the wrath of the International Community.

These despicable hooligans truly are “Sinners in the Hand of an Angry Military-Industrial Complex,” and it’s about time they started acting accountably. Read the full story

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War ZoneComments (0)

Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom


New figures show the continuing decline of print newspaper circulation all over the world.

Circulation is down a further 15% from last year’s figures, meaning that fewer people are buying a newspaper.

Professor John McDonald, department head of the scientific study of journalism said: “It would appear that the figures show fewer people are purchasing newspapers, which will mean less papers are sold”. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & MiscComments (4)

SpongeBob Confirms Gay Rumors


HOLLYWOOD, CA. SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET. Under pressure from media and various Christian organizations, SpongeBob Squarepants, in a rare public appearance yesterday from his home in Bikini Bottom, confirmed the many rumors circulating about his sexual orientation.

SpongeBob for the first time admitted he is gay and involved in a long-time relationship with his life partner, Patrick the Starfish. Our Derisive Duck cartoon correspondent telephoned the Nickelodeon Channel, SpongeBob’s employer, who did not return our calls.

The effect this revelation will have on SpongeBob’s television career and his employment as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab restaurant is unclear.

Some Christian groups, especially James Dobson’s Focus on the Family, have called SpongeBob part of a pro-homosexual media conspiracy designed to expose the nation’s children to the Hollywood homosexual agenda. Derisive Duck attempted to contact the Pro-Homosexual Media Conspiracy, but could not find a listing.

According to Dobson, “these seemingly innocent cartoons contain subtile enticements to lure our children into the gay lifestyle.” SpongeBob Squarepants was created in 1996 by cartoonist Stephen Hillenburg. “I created SpongeBob to be a kind of goofy, kind-hearted, innocent sponge who lives in a pineapple in Bikini Bottom and annoys most of the other characters.

The love relationship that evolved between SpongeBob and Patrick has caught me off-guard as much as everyone else. I knew they watched a lot of television together, especially a show called Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, but I had no idea!”

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Bill Clinton: Rather Switch than Fight


NEW YORK–Bill Clinton rocked the political world today by announcing his change in party affiliation from Democrat to Independent.

Meet the Press moderator David Gregory asked Mr. Clinton to explain his decision. “Could’ve been worse,” Clinton responded. “Could’ve switched to the GOP.” Read the full story

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How to be a FOX News ‘Spin Doctor’


SINGAPORE (GlossyNews) — Media experts have been observing a recent trend in how seemingly simple events are portrayed by our news sources. Radical interpretations of ordinary incidents in the lives of the famous seem to be going through major distortions. How we perceive events in our reality is colored by prejudices, opinions and attitudes that we already have present in our minds. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of politics. Take an example from a day in the life of President Obama as seen by a normal person and as seen by the agents of FOX News: Read the full story

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Tea Bagger Shocked That He Helped Create Today’s America


Memphis, TN (GlossyNews) — A raging tea partier activist was shocked to realize the America he is so angry about — was actually created by his generation. “It was quite the epiphany, let me tell you,” said 56 year old Johnny Wiggins, looking over a noisy crowd of protestors at a recent Tea Party protest outside of Nashville. “All these people are so angry-but their generation was in control all this time. I just think everybody’s pissed off because things didn’t work out Read the full story

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Anti-Obama ‘Satire’ Written by Zombies?


Much to the dismay of intelligent people the world over, anti-Obama satirists have become robotic, even predictable, running the same treadmill every day in an effort to bring him down. Their constant decrying of the President, no matter what he does, boils down to the same tired formula – ‘Obama bad, Obama stupid, troglodytes good’. They have gone on autopilot with their complaints. Their feeble, anti-intellectual, reptilian nerve ganglia spits out constant spiteful bile at any new Obama policy. Zombie-like, they seize upon any live meat they see and chew it to death. Read the full story

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