Posted on 04 October 2014.
Announcer: Political campaigns seem to be getting nastier and nastier. One of the worst has been the governor’s race in our home state. Both candidates are here today to debate the issues as guests of Dick and Janey on their talk show “Yucky World”.
Janey: I want to offer a warm welcome to our two gubernatorial candidates, Johnny Mangler and James Bustemup.
Dick: One of them will be the next guber of our state.
Janey: That’s governor, Dick.
Dick: They look more like gubers to me.
Janey: If you say so. Gentlemen why has this campaign been so negative?
Mangler: Don’t ask me. He started it!
Bustemup: Did not!
Mangler: Did so!
Bustemup: You ran the first negative TV commercial!
Mangler: All my ad did was to ask you a simple question that required a simple “Yes” or “No” answer: Have you stopped beating your dog? Have you? Huh?
Bustemup: Well, you never answered my ad’s simple question: Have you ever met a dead cat that you didn’t like? “Yes” or “No”? Huh? Huh?
Dick: I’m not real mathematical, but I think we may have just reached a new high in negativity!
Janey: And since we have apparently completed our discussion of that subject, let’s turn our debate to some of the other campaign issues. Mr. Bustemup, what are you going to do about taxes?
Bustemup: Read my lips: I’ll lower taxes!
Mangler: That pledge is as false as his teeth!
Bustemup: Read my gums: I’ll still lower taxes!
Janey: O-okay, let’s move on. How do you differ on crime?
Mangler: He’s soft on crime!
Bustemup: He’s soft in the head like a poached egg!
Mangler: His thinking’s all scrambled!
Dick: Keep it up, guys!
Janey: Dick, please!
Dick: Just trying to “egg” them on a little. Yuck! Yuck! Chortle!
Janey: There’s been a lot of concern expressed during the campaign about the deterioration of family values. Does either of you have a program to deal with this problem?
Mangler: He probably wants to give out army boots to all of our mothers—like the kind his mother wore!
Bustemup: Yeah, well, your father wore a tutu with his army boots!
Mangler: Let’s take this outside in the alley. I’ll knock your brains out!
Bustemup: I’ll knock yours out first!
Dick: This should be a real short fight!
Mangler: I hope we can find the alley.
Bustemup: You’d have trouble finding your nose if it wasn’t stuck to your face.
Mangler: Yeah, well, at least my nose looks like it belongs to my face!
Janey: Gentlemen, please! I going to call an end to our debate before someone gets hurt. And…ah…please put your chairs down. Thank you. Our security personnel will now escort you to your cars.
Dick: It’s too bad we don’t have an alley out back. It might have been fun watching them rearrange each other’s face!
Janey: Dick, please. Say! Are you okay? You look a little sick.
Dick: I was just thinking about Election Day.
Dick: Well, normally, I hold my nose when I’m voting, but this time I’m afraid I’m going to have to take an airline barf bag into the booth with me.
Janey: Pretty bad, huh?