Something jumped out at me the other night while I was clearing out my backlog of Facebook requests, or rather I should say, a name jumped out at me. There it was buried deep in a Farmville invitation with a single letter associated with it, Q.
Naturally, my journalistic instinct kicked in and I reached out to the infamous leader of the Proud Boys to see if he wanted to finally be interviewed, for his side of the story. I got my response within an hour and the results of the subsequent conversation are below.
JK: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. To be honest I am a little surprised you decided to come out from the proverbial shadows and do this interview.
Q: It’s my pleasure. To be honest, I was a little on the fence at first but when I saw you responded because of a Farmville request I got sentimental. LET’S DO THIS!!!
JK: Woah, that was randomly intense. So, tell me how did this whole Small Boys movement get started?
Q: I can be a pretty intense guy, and its PROUD Boys, but anyway. It actually started out with that farming game. When Farmville was everywhere and people were just mindlessly spreading it around and just getting crazed over an activity they would never have fantasized about in the normal world, a sort of bell went off and I thought, I could do something with this. In the early days all my recruits came from Farmville game requests.
JK: Interesting, I imagine Candy Crush only increased that recruitment exponentially.
Q: Surprisingly no, as it turns out that matching of colors and shapes proved to be too complicated to engage the true believers of my cause, so after Farmville faded, I went with more a more traditional approach by folding in a religious element. Worked like a charm!
JK: And where did the baby eating idea come from?
Q: Oh, it wasn’t an idea, it is FACT. Look, it’s a pretty clear path. If you hold my hand, I will walk you down it. Will you hold my hand? HOLD MY HAND!
Q: THANK YOU! Jeeze! Anyway, like I was saying. Liberals vote with their feelings. FACT! Feelings are the weakest part of being human. FACT! Nature is survival of the fittest. FACT! Babies are weak and always crying. FACT! The great space god Scrotumno combined his comet dust magic into the Vatican’s supply of holy water, supercharging it with electrolytes that coat babies during baptisms. FACT! Liberals are health nuts. FACT! Liberals eat babies to absorb their emotions and electrolyte coating. FACT! I mean, it’s not like I need to draw a map to this stuff, it’s fairly obvious.
JK: Clearly, so then why Trump?
Q: The Proud Boys are all about protecting babies and Trump is the King of the babies. He Is so soft and squishy. You just want to bundle him up and have him suck from your teat. How can we not protect Trump? Especially with Thanksgiving approaching, Liberals will try to feast on him. Do you know how often he has to get baptized? He is like walking candy for the libs.
JK: Your followers have already been very vocal in the press about this, but what is your take on Trump’s order of “stand back, stand by?”
Q: Well, my little boys can get out of hand, but it was an honor, and HONOR to be called out by the president like that. I know you all heard “stand back, stand by,” but what you have to understand was he was clearly speaking in Mergatroid code. If you decode the message it really is the president just telling us that he is proud of us, he loves us. That he would never leave us or say he was just going out to get a pack of cigarettes never to return. That we would never discover that birthday cards from “him” was actually just your mom trying to protect you from his negligence. WHY DADDY? WHY DID YOU LEAVE? WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? WAS I NOT MAN ENOUGH? HOW ABOUT NOW? AM I MAN ENOUGH NOW? Sorry, um does that answer your question?
JK: Yes, thank you. One last question as you have already given me so much of your time and thank you again for that. When will the Proud Boys become Proud Men?
Q: On the thirteenth year by the setting of the sun, we will gather at the undisclosed Hooters and read from the sacred book of Me. The wine will be spilled in the name of the Holy Trump, and we will strip down and revel in the greatness of our masculinity, only then will we emerge as Proud Men!
JK: Well minus that naked part at the end it seems like you are describing a Bar Mitzvah, so mazal tov!
Q: WHAT? NO! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!