Tag Archive | "CIA"

CIA Digs up Dirt on President Trump, forms New Planet


Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–In response to President-elect Donald Trump’s denigrating the American intelligence community, the CIA dug up a planet of dirt on Trump, altering the Earth’s gravitational field.

The American intelligence community was united in its assessment that Russia hacked into the Democratic National Committee’s emails to attempt to give Donald Trump an advantage in his campaign against Democratic rival Hillary Clinton. Read the full story

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America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll


ATLANTA – A recent CNN poll of American citizens found that a solid majority (92%) believes that “the United States of America is still the greatest democracy in the world.”

Most poll respondents were clearly favorable toward American democracy. Their comments included:

“We’re definitely number 1.”

“We are the greatest country on earth. No question about it.”

“America is the greatest country I’ve ever seen.”

“Other countries just suck. Except Israel.”

“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”

“You mean: there are other countries?”

“America can kick the shit out of any other countries’ democracies. They’re just losers.”

“USA! USA!”

Most would agree. However, a few marginal critics of American democracy, such as Michael Moore, believe that exit poll deviations from official results prove that American elections are sometimes fraudulent. Moore has even called for UN supervision of US elections.

Yet the CNN poll showed that 66.6% also agreed with the statement: “Exit polls are an insult to American democracy and a total waste of time.”

American Exceptionalism Explained

So just how did America come to create a better democracy than in all other countries on the planet? Read the full story

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Obama No Longer First US Black President


Obama is no longer the first black president as he turned albino white today during his latest CIA briefing.

Apparently the ‘men in black’ have been hiding some of the more disturbing secrets of the nation from the man who should really know them. Now he does and it ain’t apparently purty…

After discovering how things really are beneath the surface in Washington and on the world scene, President Obama turned white right down to his hair, much the same as did Senator McCain when he was held prisoner by the North Vietnamese. Read the full story

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American secret agents exposed by phone app?


A stunning announcement was made at a secret hacker conference last month to little fanfare.

An app was made available for the Android or IPhone platform that exposes the secret agents working for America’s top secret organizations.

Called “Find my Spy”, the app is supposed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. Since the announcement the app has gone viral and has reportedly been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far. Read the full story

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Kris Kringle Appointed Head of NSA


Phoenix, AZ- He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. Now he hears who you are talking to so be good for goodness sake.

The “Jolly Old Man,” otherwise known as Kris Kringle has been appointed to the coveted Director of the National Security Agency replacing Keith Alexander.

This new partnership between Washington and the North Pole will help both parties as this gives Santa new tools to add people to his naughty list. Read the full story

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Edward Snowden, Known Criminal, Actually a Hero?


The NSA was doing bad things, Snowden knew it even as a low-level contractor, and he blew the whistle. (In)conveniently, Obama has removed “protect whistleblower” from his website, but maybe this makes it all the more poignant.

Here’s this guy, stuck in limbo, knowing that he’s done his best to inform and advise the American and frankly the world public… yet he’s a wanted man. Read the full story

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“Snowden still working for us” says CIA


Reliable sources in the ICU section of the CIA confirmed to this reporter that whistle-blower Edward Snowden is “still working for us” and “doing a great job.”

My puzzlement elicited further explanation. “We have more than a million people involved in some kind of surveillance. It was bound to become public at some time, so what better than to break the news ourselves?” Read the full story

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Edward Snowden Warns: National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate


Government whistleblower Edward Snowden warned US citizens today that the NSA has confiscated the cameras of all computers and they are surreptitiously watching all Americans masturbate.

“Even when you don’t think you’re online or even when your computer is turned off the US government is watching you and keeping a record of your activities”, the activist claimed. “When you masturbate you should keep the camera away from where they might see you!”

NSA officials were quick to deny Snowden’s report. “That’s ridiculous!” said NSA Director Keith Alexander. “The only people we watch masturbating are suspected terrorists, felons suspected of terrorist activities and others who may become terrorists!”

Some Americans claim they have seen NSA monitoring them. Ms. Paula Glasscock, a secretary from the law firm of Hoar & Hoar, was masturbating while watching a video on a popular porn site when a video image of an NSA agent popped onto her screen. “The man on the screen said, ‘shit, I accidentally turned my camera on’, then the screen went back to normal!” she stated. “And it was just as I was approaching the big O!”

Alexander neither confirmed nor denied the report but did say, “the law firm Ms. Glasscock works for does business with another law firm that has ties to a company that sells to a business that buys products from Pakistan, a country known for terrorist activities. We may or may not have been have been surreptitiously monitoring her to assure she does not engage in terrorist activities”.

Snowden claims the NSA has hundreds of thousands of videos of people masturbating from Skype, Google, Facebook and dozens of other services.

“If they don’t want us to see them masturbating then don’t masturbate!” concluded Alexander.

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Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer


Many supporters of government whistleblower Edward Snowden claim that his girlfriend Lindsay Mills is just an “average” pole dancer with no special attributes.

“I’ve seen Lindsay dance and she ain’t nothing special”, said New York bartender Sal Jennings, 37. “She can’t do handstands. She doesn’t hug the pole in a real sexy way. Really nothing special”.

“I can see why he dumped her”, said 24 year old librarian Stacy Bertalucci. “I’m a librarian and I’m sexier than that!” Read the full story

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Obama Drones on about Unmanned Aerial Vehicles


Drones actually are the “cure-all” for terrorism.

At yesterday’s presidential press conference, President Obama talked for an abnormally long time about policy shift in his administration’s use of unmanned aerial vehicles in the war against terrorism.

The president’s statements effectively nullified most of the promises made in his counterterrorism speech just weeks ago on May 23rd, many of which focused on restraints on the freedom of drones to shoot whatever the heck they want. Obama himself showed little restraint in his speech, spitting out numerous examples of “bad guys” around the world that need to be “droned down,” ranging from Kim Jong-un and asparagus to Vladamir Putin and country music. Read the full story

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White House Administration consults with Department of UAV secretary Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern


Following a previous filibuster of John Brennan’s nomination to be CIA director, the Obama White House is said to be having closed door meetings with Department of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles secretary and well known developmental reconnaissance drone Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern (also known as Compass Cope R).

President Barack Obama is said to be consulting with Ryan after the administration was asked, “Can you use a drone to kill an American on American soil?” Read the full story

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Obama Angry He “Can’t” Kill American Citizens


Members of the press core were violently ejected from the White House yesterday after President Obama went into a fit of rage over the fact that the Constitution prohibits him from killing innocent American citizens.

“It’s not fair! My drone strikes have killed hundreds of Pakistanis in the past four years. At this point, who cares where the targets are, or whether they are brown or not?” Read the full story

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Drones kill more people with fewer casualties


U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, who is a member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, revealed to a North Carolina Rotary Club last Thursday that CIA drones had achieved 4700 targeted assassinations (to use the Israeli term), mostly in the last few years. His office was not answering inquiries, perhaps because the figures are considered a secret. However, this reporter was able to reach one committee member that agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, to whom I shall refer as Sen. Flimsy Grime for this report.

RIGHT: Sen. Lindsey Graham gives the heads up. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Government Admits Glenn Beck is Classified Experiment Gone Awry


UNSPECIFIED LOCATION–A rogue agent of a super classified top secret branch of the government (that some say was involved in the Roswell findings of ’47) has spoken with Iron E-News via pigeon and confirmed that American political commentator Glenn Beck was actually a highly classified government experiment gone awry. Read the full story

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Video Game Review: Presidential Drone Hit List


Summary

Presidential Drone Hit List makes you work to find the people you’re supposed to kill, but the job of doing so is relatively easy and without risk.

RIGHT: Presidential Drone Hit List (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Pentagon: arming Syrian rebels saves lives; NRA agrees


According to testimony at a hearing of the U.S. Senate Armed Services Committee, the Pentagon, Defense Department and CIA presented a plan to supply weapons to Syrian rebels for the purpose of saving lives. The U.S. currently supplies only humanitarian and non-lethal aid such as intelligence assessments and maps of where to kill people. American weapons are also supplied to the rebels, but only after first being transferred to other countries like Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Jordan and Turkey so that someone other than the U.S. can deliver them. In some cases it also means that someone else pays for them, as well. Read the full story

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