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U.S. Supports North Korea’s Execution of Official Who Ruined Economy

U.S. Supports North Korea’s Execution of Official Who Ruined Economy

PYONGYANG, North Korea (GlossyNews) — During a time when brewing unrest and financial insolvency are destabilizing the country, North Korean officials have executed Labor Party Chief Pak Nam-ki before a firing squad as punishment for a bureaucratic blunder. Continue Reading

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Chileans Worried They Won’t Get as Much Attention as Haiti

Chileans Worried They Won’t Get as Much Attention as Haiti

SANTIAGO de CHILE, Chile (GlossyNews)– Officials from Chile’s Earthquake Preparedness and Disaster Management Authority expressed concern today that the country would not attract as much media attention as Haiti, thereby reducing the plane loads of aid and barrage of goodwill text messages from celebrities around the world. Continue Reading

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Dispute Over Persian Gulf Naming Rights Leads to Name Calling

Dispute Over Persian Gulf Naming Rights Leads to Name Calling

TEHRAN, Iran (GlossyNews) — Airlines refusing to call the waterway between Iran and the Arabian peninsula the ‘Persian Gulf’ will be banned from Iranian airspace, the transport minister told local media.

The warning was directed toward air carriers in neighboring Gulf Arab countries, who have a history of referring to the body of water as the ‘Arabian Gulf’. Continue Reading

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CNN President Throws Tantrum After Wasting Millions on Bogus Tsunami Coverage

CNN President Throws Tantrum After Wasting Millions on Bogus Tsunami Coverage

HILO, HI (GlossyNews) — When civil defense sirens roused Hawaiians from sleep on Saturday morning, the threat of a potentially destructive tsunami was on its way. In an impressive response, Hawaii’s scientists, government officials, first-responders and citizens showed exemplary calm under duress, which led to successful evacuation efforts. Continue Reading

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Royal Caribbean Announces Educational “How the Other Half Live” Vacations

Royal Caribbean Announces Educational “How the Other Half Live” Vacations

LABADEE, Haiti — There’s an old Haitian proverb: “Behind the mountains, there are mountains.”

Behind those mountains are smaller mountains. Behind those smaller mountains is an enclosure. And behind that enclosure is a tropical paradise rented out to Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines by the Haitian government. Continue Reading

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Texas Makes Good On Promise To Secede From U.S. – Joins Mexico

Texas Makes Good On Promise To Secede From U.S. – Joins Mexico

The Alamo, El Paso, TX The state of Texas today seceded from the United States and joined with Mexico, a nation it had once fought for independence from at the Alamo. Governor Rick Perry, disgruntled with the economic politics of President Obama and dreaming of the wonderful economic policies employed by his predecessor Bush, a former Texas Governor, carried out his threat to rent the nation by severing its second largest state away. “When Bush was President and we needed money” he commented, “we would just start a war, and poof, the economy would go gangbusters!” Continue Reading

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European Union Won’t Honor Christmas Starting 2010

European Union Won’t Honor Christmas Starting 2010

Brussells (GlossyNews) — According to a new policy mandated by an internal commission of the European Union, Christmas 2010, and every Christmas thereafter, will just be ‘another day’ on the calendar. A spokesperson for the Regional Policy Commission of the European Union announced that the Commission officially decided late Tuesday not to recognize Christmans and other religious holidays effective February 1, 2010. Phillipe Hartmann, media spokesman for the office of Commissioner Johannes Hahn, stated that the Commission decided that the emphasis on religious holidays had become too focused on Western, Judeo-Christian observances such as Christmas, at the expense of lesser known religious festivals and feasts in other religions such as Islam and Hinduism. Continue Reading

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Gore Collects Internet Royalties to Stop Global Warming

Gore Collects Internet Royalties to Stop Global Warming

Geneva, Switzerland (GlossyNews) — Albert A Gore, Nobel Prize Winner and one of the pioneers of the internet and the modern World Wide Web, announced today that as of March 1, 2010, he will begin to collect royalties for commercial internet use.

Gore, in a move that is sure to shock businesses and users alike, will charge a small, recurring, royalty fee for each and every Internet Protocol (IP) address in use. Continue Reading

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Limbaugh Rushed to Hospital Drugs Not Mentioned

Limbaugh Rushed to Hospital Drugs Not Mentioned

Honolulu, HI (GlossyNews) — Acerbic Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a Honolulu hospital this morning for what doctors say is an overload of ‘bile’.

Limbaugh’s press spokesman Carson Cobain said he had little information. “Rush usually takes off this time of year to beef up for the coming season. All I know is he’s in the hospital and it doesn’t look good. Luckily Rush can afford the best treatment in the world. He’d be screwed if he worked for Wal Mart.” Continue Reading

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Newscasters Appeal to FBI to Create Easy Nicknames for Terrorists

Newscasters Appeal to FBI to Create Easy Nicknames for Terrorists

The latest attempt at terrorism by Nigerian nationalist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallabhas, is the straw that broke the camel’s back in America’s newscasting business. In a rare show of agreement between the top media outlets, news commentators from every major prime time and cable news program, excluding PBS, has asked the FBI, CIA and other law enforcement and governmental spokespersons to create shorter nicknames for terrorists as soon as any new terrorist threat or action is leaked to the news. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television, World News4 Comments

2009 Glossy News Erratta … err Errata & Errors a Plenty

2009 Glossy News Erratta … err Errata & Errors a Plenty

The Glossy News, in an effort to bring you the finest, most accurate and comprehensive news available, has compiled this errata information after a review of articles published in 2009. Although we do technically wish to apologize for any errors that may have crept into our news stories from time to time throughout the year, we do so with an air of lackadaisical indifference. Continue Reading

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In Rio de Janeiro, Buy Guns, Get Free Homes

In Rio de Janeiro, Buy Guns, Get Free Homes

A Brazilian gun dealer has offered to give a free home to the first five customers of the New Year if they buy any quality rifle from his gun shop. Jose Arma de Fogo says he got the idea from a news item he picked up off the Globo International newswire where a Kansas City, Missouri real estate broker is offering a free gun voucher to anyone who signs a contract to purchase a house in the Kansas City, Kansas area.

In Brazil, standard real estate is extremely affordable and in fact, a home on a small plot of land can actually cost less than a decent gun. Continue Reading

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Is the US Losing its Patience with Canada?

Is the US Losing its Patience with Canada?

Paris, TX — Canada, once one of America’s staunchest allies in North America and a bulwark against growing aboriginal unrest and encroachment of the Scandinavian powers, continues to befuddle the West.

In the 1950s, 60s, and 70s Canada, with the backing of the US and England, grew to prominence in North America. Canada became a ‘strongman’ and a policeman that the West could rely on in a sea of continuous turmoil in a region troubled by the growing influence of capitalism and rock and roll. Continue Reading

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Wounded British Soldiers Ward Off Prime Minister’s Visit

Wounded British Soldiers Ward Off Prime Minister’s Visit

The UK Office of the Prime Minister today announced and welcomed the Army’s 1,000th recruit of the year – sixteen-year-old Private Angus Munt from Glasgow’s Pikey Park Sink or Swim Council Estate.

Conversely the winner of the ‘First Century’ Squaddies-in-Bodybags competition – with the death of the 100th British soldier to ‘cop his’ and get snuffed by Taliban Dan and his gang of Jihadi scallies in Afghanistan – went unannounced. Continue Reading

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Iraq Stands by “Magic Bomb Detector” Technology

Iraq Stands by “Magic Bomb Detector” Technology

Iraqi security forces have adopted a revolutionary new bomb detection device, according to the New York Times.

The hand-held device is several orders of magnitude smaller than devices available from “reputable” manufacturers, but American critics have their collective panties in a bunch over the fact that the device “doesn’t actually work” and is “putting untold numbers of people in danger of being blown into tiny, McNugget-sized pieces”. Continue Reading

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The Funny Side of WW2 – Que?

The Funny Side of WW2 – Que?

According to a recent survey undertaken by the government’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money the British youth of the 21st Century are possessed by a plethora of misconceptions concerning Germany, World War Two, the Nazi party and the Holohoax.

A full ten out of ten teenagers (boys, girls and budding transvestites) surveyed unanimously agreed that Adolf Hitler – the only man to ever look good Continue Reading

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