Alastair Campbell’s Divorce Leads to Contentious Intervention from Blair

Alastair Campbell’s divorce is hardly the highlight of his recent years. In the recent divorce proceedings, his wife said:

My Alastair used to be a lovely lad. So modest, so honest, and with a heart of gold.:

But ever since he started hanging around with that nasty boy from elsewhere, he began to change. After he got into bad company, Alastair started sneering at me and making catty comments.

Over time, he became ever more abrasive and dismissive, like some tinpot Peter Capaldi, or someone of that ilk. And needless to say, he kept leaving his dinner plate and half-finished cups of Earl Grey at his arse and expecting me to clear up after him, like I was his bloody lowland skivvy!

He has just become impossible to live with.

Campbell responded:

Well listen you here, Mrs 20/20 hindsight, but it’s all very well sayin’ this here now, isn’t it? But why the hell didn’t ye say nothin’ about all this when ye had the chance?

You are just like the ‘Great British public,’ ye let us just go on ahead ‘n’ make our honest mistakes wi’out a wurrid, ‘n’ then a wee while later, when it all can’t be mended, ye just start whingein’ about how we ought tae ha’ listened tae ye in the furrest place!

Well, I can’t accept that! Ye ha’ tae free yersel’ from the idea that I am somehow responsible for this mess! I only had the very best o’ intentions, and any’hing I did or di’n’t do in the past, it just seemed like a good idea at the ti’um!

As I always tell Tony, there is no point cryin’ o’er spilt milk, is there? I mean, how could I POSSIBLY hae known?

Aye! No don’t you be titterin’ there, lad. STAND STILL, JUDGEY!

Tony’s helpful comments™ in a notable journalistic outlet didn’t help matters.

I tell you what, Alastair’s critics are motivated by a purely partisan, one-sided spirit of factionalism and of cynical opportunism™.

Now listen here, I cannot for the life of me understand why his dogmatic, hidebound critics™ insist on ridiculing his perfectly reasonable and dynamic ideas™!

I mean, as I always say, don’t mistake the merely cosmically-contingent error of the moment for the greater and grander spiritual significance in the higher universally-historical scheme of things.™x1000

Well let’s be honest, that’s always been my rule! And I’ve done pretty well out of it so far, don’t you think?

Author: Wallace Runnymede

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