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White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea

White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea

In a stunning announcement at Wednesday mornings press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced WMDs have been discovered in the Crimean peninsula.

“The CIA has determined and it has been confirmed through British Intelligence that convoys of Russian trucks are moving into Crimea.

CIA human assets on the ground have since discovered they are filled with weapons of mass destruction.” said Carney.

“President Obama has called for an emergency session of the UN Security Council and is presently conferring with NATO and G7 partners on how to respond to the situation.”

This morning dozens of US and British warships, including one French support vessel, were seen moving into the Black Sea and taking up positions off the coast of Crimea.

Carney continued “The Russians used banned weapons in WWII against the Nazis and if they used them once they may use them again.  President Obama and the American people are resolved that the illegal invasion of a sovereign nation will not go unpunished.  The United States will use any means at our disposal, including the invasion of a sovereign nation,  to insure WMDs are neutralized, international laws upheld and aggressors brought to justice.”

When asked whether the WMDs were chemical or biological  Carney responded “The situation is fluid but at the present time we believe it to be borscht”.

photo credit: U.S. Coast Guard via Photopin, CC

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Posted in War Zone, World News5 Comments

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring like the Canadians.

Ukraine is split between ethnic Russians in the eastern part of the country and pro-European, ethnic-Ukrainians in the west. Likewise, Canada is split between Catholic, French-speaking Quebecers, left-wingers in Ontario and British Columbia, and conservatives in the prairies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News5 Comments

Putin Sets World Record For Quickest Change Of Face In Political History

Putin Sets World Record For Quickest Change Of Face In Political History

Vladimir (the Vampire ) Putin, still glowing from the success of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia, has suddenly shown his darker side of the Force by invading and taking over the Crimea, a vital peninsula of his supposed ally Ukraine.

Vlad the Cad had impressively shown to the world the creative and suppossedly world-friendly side of Russia in the huge spectacle of the 2014 Olympics. They had spent 50 billion dollars to convince the world that they were part of the team that made the planet run and that Uncle Putin was really just a big Teddy bear of a guy and not the ice veined, Continue Reading

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Posted in World News1 Comment

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
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Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, World News10 Comments

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Chelyabinsk, Russia – Scientists have located a large chunk of the Chelyabinsk meteorite that came crashing down in Siberia on February 15, causing injuries in this small village in the Ural region of Russia.

The fragment was recovered from Lake Chebarkul by astronomers from the Ural Federal University and brought immediately to an undisclosed location for further examination.

News of a strange encryption on a large part of the meteorite indicates that this is no ordinary rock from outer space, but could possibly hold the key to the question “are we alone in the universe?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, World News23 Comments

North/South Korea Talks Falter, Cancel Family Reunion

North/South Korea Talks Falter, Cancel Family Reunion

High level negotiations establishing a reunion for separated families in North and South Korea broke down Wednesday over a miscommunication on venue.

After several weeks it was believed representatives had agreed to hold the event at Disney World this August and included a talent show, karaoke and a Korean War reenactment for children under 12.

However, North Korean diplomats balked when the South Korean delegates consistently mentioned Orlando Florida. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel, World News0 Comments

Tea Party Calls for Deportation Of Illegal South African Minors

Tea Party Calls for Deportation Of Illegal South African Minors

In a rare show of solidarity, three major Tea Party groups have come together and issued a joint statement calling for the arrest and deportation of illegal minors in South Africa.

“Illegals are law breaking free loaders who steal jobs and drain public coffers while contributing little to decent white colonial societies.

That they are under age is a great abomination to people who hold traditional values about family, marriage, abortion, a woman’s place in the home and who have a justifiable fear of God.”

The statement went on to say “South Africa’s natural resources make it a gold mine for parasites and this is a prime example of what happens when a nation fails to secure it’s borders.

“South Africa is overrun with illegal minors…smelly, short, brown and uneducated who just traipsed right in because real South Africans didn’t have the God given balls to build an electrified fence across it’s southern border”.

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Posted in Travel, World News0 Comments

China Lays Blame for Lunar Disaster On Female Driver

China Lays Blame for Lunar Disaster On Female Driver

At a press conference Saturday China announced its lunar mission was in danger and appeared to lay blame on it’s female rover.

The rover, named Yutu and translated as “Rickshaw Woman”, got off to a rocky start when it overshot its landing zone by 3400 miles. Yutu was supposed to land on the visible side of the moon but ended up far away on the cold, dark side. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, World News3 Comments

Japan Announces Invasion of Palau

Japan Announces Invasion of Palau

Taiji, Japan – Looking to capitalize on recent international public relations success over last week’s dolphin slaughter in Taiji, Japan announced today its intention to invade and conquer the tiny pacific island nation of Palau sometime in 2014.

At a hastily organized press conference at the Taiji dolphin slaughterhouse, Japanese Assistant Director of Cultural Affairs Hideo Yakamura said “Invading and subjugating foreign countries is an historical and cultural tradition of Japan and important to the Japanese people. We intend to include all the traditional elements of a Japanese invasion including torture, rape, genocide and ethnic cleansing.”

When asked why Japan chose Palau instead of it’s more customary foes China, Russia or Korea, Yakamura chuckled “Well, that would be insane”.

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

The Taliban has successfully destroyed every business and killed every non-conforming citizen and foreigner in Afghanistan. Left without an effective economy and without anyone who understands any technology beyond that of making heroin the entire land has fallen into a morass of chaos and starvation.

In light of these developments the Grand Mullah of the Taliban has issued a statement saying that it is allowable for his soldiers of Allah to cannibalize their fellow Afghans.

“It is permissible for those fighting in the name of Allah to partake of the flesh of other human beings. In fact, it is righteous before the Lord to so consume. Those fighting the Infidels must be strong and cannot be hindered by hunger. Those holy Believers who give their lives to feed our heroes should be proud and thankful that they can be martyrs in this way.”

The Mullah has further issued an edict listing the order in which ‘volunteers’ for the emergency food chain should be chosen:

Christians and Jews first. Originally the Mullah had placed them on a strict ‘Do Not Eat’ list because, as he said, they are the equivalent of swine, an Islamic no-no.

Buddhists, Hindus, Jains, Shintos, Satanists and all other religions that do not comply to Mohammedanism. Satanists do not taste particularly good and will perhaps be stricken from the list entirely.

White foreigners.

Paula Dean.

Non-white foreigners.

Non practicing Muslims.

Women.

Children.

Babies.

The Chief Mullah has stated that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are clerics to be eaten! This cannot be strongly enough stated! Clerics and Mullahs are Holy men of Allah and were they to be killed the murderer would himself be immediately sent to Hell and made into shish-ka-bob, being turned over a hot fire and devoured by beasts for all eternity!!!

Many Christians have saved themselves from being eaten by declaring that they had just eaten pork, which theoretically would make their own hide unclean to eat, in which case they were merely immediately slaughtered by the Taliban and not consumed.

The lack of any modern conveniences has made it difficult for the Taliban in other ways. For instance Korans can no longer be printed. This leads to a shortage of them, which, in another way aids the clerics. Without so many to read it is easier to change the meanings of the verses to whatever purpose they want, much the way fundamentalist Christian preachers do.

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Posted in War Zone, World News6 Comments

Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Pyongyang, N. Korea – Dennis Rodman reportedly sent a look-alike imposter in his place to supreme leader, Kim Jong Un’s palace Thursday. The leader of N. Korea is said to be hopping mad and may be readying the execution squad yet another time this month.

“He promise he come back see me, bring many, many good basketball player. He no show up,” Jong Un was quoted as saying after throwing a lavish party consisting of the one chicken left in the state larders, along with two cucumbers and a spaghetti squash left over from the summer harvest. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sportsfolk, World News0 Comments

Santa Claus finally sells out; cashes in

Santa Claus finally sells out; cashes in

This Christmas, you might notice something a little different when you look up into the sky and see Santa and his reindeer in flight delivering presents to children all over the world.

In an unprecedented partnership, global shipping giant FedEx® has agreed to become the official sponsor of Santa Claus.

For years, financial analysts have been puzzled with how Santa’s operation could remain profitable with labor and production costs continuing to skyrocket. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, World News0 Comments

StrangleCorp’s HR VP Recalls Snowden as “So-So” Applicant

StrangleCorp’s HR VP Recalls Snowden as “So-So” Applicant

StrangleCorp Press–Dec 15, 2013–Recent investigations reveal that Edward Snowden once applied for employment at the ultra-secretive company StrangleCorp before being employed by the NSA. StrangleCorp’s VP of HR May Helm recalls interviewing Edward Snowden in early 2006 and finding him, “not quite adequate” to join StrangleCorp in any capacity.

“Frankly, I thought he was an arrogant little prick without any tangible skills to speak of. Here he was telling me he was a computer wizard and he couldn’t even program around the wrist restraints. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, World News1 Comment

Uncle Truly Astonished by Nephew Kim Jong Un’s Surprise Party

Uncle Truly Astonished by Nephew Kim Jong Un’s Surprise Party

Jang Song Thaek, second top gun in the North Korean Political Machine and uncle to the countries President Kim Jon Un, was truly astonished at the surprise party his nephew had for him on Tuesday.

“This is amazing!’ stated Jang, who seemed genuinely astonished by the large contingent of soldiers waiting for him outside the Politburo. “But it isn’t even my birthday!”

“Oh, don’t concern yourself with that dear Uncle! You are such a favorite of mine that every day should be a birthday.” schmoozled Un, wearing the best smile he could summon at the moment. “I have assembled this entire platoon to escort us as we take a walk along the river.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Man Sacked for Wearing Arsenal Jersey

Man Sacked for Wearing Arsenal Jersey

NAIROBI, Kenya – An employee of Kenya Airways, Kenya’s national airline was apparently sacked for wearing an Arsenal FC (football club) tee shirt to a Kenya Airways sponsored event at the Masai Mara.

Eyewitnesses say a Mr. Bosire, (former) corporate communications manager at the airline was assaulted by the Managing Director who shouted something at him before first pulling off his blazer then making away with the jinxed tee at a two in the morning after party before being fired the following morning and handed his shirt by HR, in a nice way. Continue Reading

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GlossyNews Hire Writers Who Wrote Text Over Jong Un Uncle’s Execution

GlossyNews Hire Writers Who Wrote Text Over Jong Un Uncle’s Execution

Glossy News is viciously striving to beat all the other spoof news websites fighting tooth and nail to hire the writer who wrote the fiery rhetoric slamming North Korea’s President’s Jong Un’s uncle on national news.

The former second in lead in the notoriously repressive 4th world state, Jang Song Thaek, was dramatically stripped of his positions by his nephew Jong Un and executed a day later. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

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