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Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA

Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA

Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA.

“We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “We think that might be the missing jetliner! It’s a bit of a long shot but at this point we can’t rule out anything!”

Hagel said the jetliner may have landed somewhere, refueled, then headed out over Blue Ball although this, like all reports on the missing plane, cannot be verified.

Major John E Stevens of the PA Air National Guard was verbally reprimanded for not disclosing the existence of the radar information sooner. “I didn’t know it might have something do with the missing airliner!” Stevens protested. “I thought it was just a flock of geese!”

Other military commanders throughout the world are checking their own blips on their radar screens to see if they might be the missing jetliner.

“We are also looking at the possibility of UFOs” Hagel continued. “Though the Blue Ball theory seems more likely, at least at this point. We just want to make some fucking sense out of this whole fucking thing! A fucking 777 can’t just vanish like a fart in the wind! Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!”

Hagel excused himself at this point to take his medication.

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CEO Ben Linus Says Malaysia Flight 370 Swallowed Up By Smoke Monster

CEO Ben Linus Says Malaysia Flight 370 Swallowed Up By Smoke Monster

On Monday in Tunis, Tunisia, Ben Linus, CEO of The Dharma Initiative International, issued the following press release claiming the ill fated flight was accidentally swallowed up by an intergalactic black hole.

“Fifty thousand years ago a consortium of advanced Galactic civilizations constructed a black hole Stargate to earth. They disguised it as an island for the purpose of genetically enhancing and enslaving early earth hominids to work extracting valuable minerals that had been exhausted on their own planets.” Continue Reading

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Doctor Who Claims Responsibility For Malaysia Flight 370

Doctor Who Claims Responsibility For Malaysia Flight 370

At a press conference Sunday at BBC headquarters in London,  Gallifreyan Time Lord Doctor Who claimed missing Malaysia Flight 370 is with him.

“I landed the TARDIS in flight and asked the passengers and flight crew if they would like to be my companions for a season long journey through space and time…they voted yes,” said Who. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News9 Comments

Putin Invades Coney Island To Help Russians Living There

Putin Invades Coney Island To Help Russians Living There

Russian President Vladimir Putin has sent Russian troops into Coney Island, a part of Brighton Beach, New York, that has a large immigrant Russian population.

Swarming ashore from submarines that covertly approached the beach, they quickly took over all government buildings and the amusement park, where the commanders had to stop the soldiers from riding the rides there. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News3 Comments

White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea

White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea

In a stunning announcement at Wednesday mornings press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced WMDs have been discovered in the Crimean peninsula.

“The CIA has determined and it has been confirmed through British Intelligence that convoys of Russian trucks are moving into Crimea.

CIA human assets on the ground have since discovered they are filled with weapons of mass destruction.” said Carney.

“President Obama has called for an emergency session of the UN Security Council and is presently conferring with NATO and G7 partners on how to respond to the situation.”

This morning dozens of US and British warships, including one French support vessel, were seen moving into the Black Sea and taking up positions off the coast of Crimea.

Carney continued “The Russians used banned weapons in WWII against the Nazis and if they used them once they may use them again.  President Obama and the American people are resolved that the illegal invasion of a sovereign nation will not go unpunished.  The United States will use any means at our disposal, including the invasion of a sovereign nation,  to insure WMDs are neutralized, international laws upheld and aggressors brought to justice.”

When asked whether the WMDs were chemical or biological  Carney responded “The situation is fluid but at the present time we believe it to be borscht”.

photo credit: U.S. Coast Guard via Photopin, CC

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Posted in War Zone, World News5 Comments

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring like the Canadians.

Ukraine is split between ethnic Russians in the eastern part of the country and pro-European, ethnic-Ukrainians in the west. Likewise, Canada is split between Catholic, French-speaking Quebecers, left-wingers in Ontario and British Columbia, and conservatives in the prairies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News5 Comments

Putin Sets World Record For Quickest Change Of Face In Political History

Putin Sets World Record For Quickest Change Of Face In Political History

Vladimir (the Vampire ) Putin, still glowing from the success of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia, has suddenly shown his darker side of the Force by invading and taking over the Crimea, a vital peninsula of his supposed ally Ukraine.

Vlad the Cad had impressively shown to the world the creative and suppossedly world-friendly side of Russia in the huge spectacle of the 2014 Olympics. They had spent 50 billion dollars to convince the world that they were part of the team that made the planet run and that Uncle Putin was really just a big Teddy bear of a guy and not the ice veined, Continue Reading

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Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
Continue Reading

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Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, World News10 Comments

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Chelyabinsk, Russia – Scientists have located a large chunk of the Chelyabinsk meteorite that came crashing down in Siberia on February 15, causing injuries in this small village in the Ural region of Russia.

The fragment was recovered from Lake Chebarkul by astronomers from the Ural Federal University and brought immediately to an undisclosed location for further examination.

News of a strange encryption on a large part of the meteorite indicates that this is no ordinary rock from outer space, but could possibly hold the key to the question “are we alone in the universe?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, World News23 Comments

North/South Korea Talks Falter, Cancel Family Reunion

North/South Korea Talks Falter, Cancel Family Reunion

High level negotiations establishing a reunion for separated families in North and South Korea broke down Wednesday over a miscommunication on venue.

After several weeks it was believed representatives had agreed to hold the event at Disney World this August and included a talent show, karaoke and a Korean War reenactment for children under 12.

However, North Korean diplomats balked when the South Korean delegates consistently mentioned Orlando Florida. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel, World News0 Comments

Tea Party Calls for Deportation Of Illegal South African Minors

Tea Party Calls for Deportation Of Illegal South African Minors

In a rare show of solidarity, three major Tea Party groups have come together and issued a joint statement calling for the arrest and deportation of illegal minors in South Africa.

“Illegals are law breaking free loaders who steal jobs and drain public coffers while contributing little to decent white colonial societies.

That they are under age is a great abomination to people who hold traditional values about family, marriage, abortion, a woman’s place in the home and who have a justifiable fear of God.”

The statement went on to say “South Africa’s natural resources make it a gold mine for parasites and this is a prime example of what happens when a nation fails to secure it’s borders.

“South Africa is overrun with illegal minors…smelly, short, brown and uneducated who just traipsed right in because real South Africans didn’t have the God given balls to build an electrified fence across it’s southern border”.

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Posted in Travel, World News0 Comments

China Lays Blame for Lunar Disaster On Female Driver

China Lays Blame for Lunar Disaster On Female Driver

At a press conference Saturday China announced its lunar mission was in danger and appeared to lay blame on it’s female rover.

The rover, named Yutu and translated as “Rickshaw Woman”, got off to a rocky start when it overshot its landing zone by 3400 miles. Yutu was supposed to land on the visible side of the moon but ended up far away on the cold, dark side. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, World News3 Comments

Japan Announces Invasion of Palau

Japan Announces Invasion of Palau

Taiji, Japan – Looking to capitalize on recent international public relations success over last week’s dolphin slaughter in Taiji, Japan announced today its intention to invade and conquer the tiny pacific island nation of Palau sometime in 2014.

At a hastily organized press conference at the Taiji dolphin slaughterhouse, Japanese Assistant Director of Cultural Affairs Hideo Yakamura said “Invading and subjugating foreign countries is an historical and cultural tradition of Japan and important to the Japanese people. We intend to include all the traditional elements of a Japanese invasion including torture, rape, genocide and ethnic cleansing.”

When asked why Japan chose Palau instead of it’s more customary foes China, Russia or Korea, Yakamura chuckled “Well, that would be insane”.

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

The Taliban has successfully destroyed every business and killed every non-conforming citizen and foreigner in Afghanistan. Left without an effective economy and without anyone who understands any technology beyond that of making heroin the entire land has fallen into a morass of chaos and starvation.

In light of these developments the Grand Mullah of the Taliban has issued a statement saying that it is allowable for his soldiers of Allah to cannibalize their fellow Afghans.

“It is permissible for those fighting in the name of Allah to partake of the flesh of other human beings. In fact, it is righteous before the Lord to so consume. Those fighting the Infidels must be strong and cannot be hindered by hunger. Those holy Believers who give their lives to feed our heroes should be proud and thankful that they can be martyrs in this way.”

The Mullah has further issued an edict listing the order in which ‘volunteers’ for the emergency food chain should be chosen:

Christians and Jews first. Originally the Mullah had placed them on a strict ‘Do Not Eat’ list because, as he said, they are the equivalent of swine, an Islamic no-no.

Buddhists, Hindus, Jains, Shintos, Satanists and all other religions that do not comply to Mohammedanism. Satanists do not taste particularly good and will perhaps be stricken from the list entirely.

White foreigners.

Paula Dean.

Non-white foreigners.

Non practicing Muslims.

Women.

Children.

Babies.

The Chief Mullah has stated that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are clerics to be eaten! This cannot be strongly enough stated! Clerics and Mullahs are Holy men of Allah and were they to be killed the murderer would himself be immediately sent to Hell and made into shish-ka-bob, being turned over a hot fire and devoured by beasts for all eternity!!!

Many Christians have saved themselves from being eaten by declaring that they had just eaten pork, which theoretically would make their own hide unclean to eat, in which case they were merely immediately slaughtered by the Taliban and not consumed.

The lack of any modern conveniences has made it difficult for the Taliban in other ways. For instance Korans can no longer be printed. This leads to a shortage of them, which, in another way aids the clerics. Without so many to read it is easier to change the meanings of the verses to whatever purpose they want, much the way fundamentalist Christian preachers do.

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Posted in War Zone, World News6 Comments

Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Pyongyang, N. Korea – Dennis Rodman reportedly sent a look-alike imposter in his place to supreme leader, Kim Jong Un’s palace Thursday. The leader of N. Korea is said to be hopping mad and may be readying the execution squad yet another time this month.

“He promise he come back see me, bring many, many good basketball player. He no show up,” Jong Un was quoted as saying after throwing a lavish party consisting of the one chicken left in the state larders, along with two cucumbers and a spaghetti squash left over from the summer harvest. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sportsfolk, World News0 Comments

Santa Claus finally sells out; cashes in

Santa Claus finally sells out; cashes in

This Christmas, you might notice something a little different when you look up into the sky and see Santa and his reindeer in flight delivering presents to children all over the world.

In an unprecedented partnership, global shipping giant FedEx® has agreed to become the official sponsor of Santa Claus.

For years, financial analysts have been puzzled with how Santa’s operation could remain profitable with labor and production costs continuing to skyrocket. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, World News0 Comments

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