Category: Top Stories
Federal Reserve: “We Can Print Dollars Forever”
WASHINGTON – Federal Reserve chair Janet Yellen yesterday affirmed her confidence that the Federal Reserve Bank can “print dollars forever.” Yellen stated at the National Press Club: “The Federal Reserve can expand its balance sheet indefinitely. We are prepared to…
Door Hits Jay Carney 55 Times on the Way Out
Washington, D.C. – 16 year-old former White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is in the hospital for observation after being beaten up by a door as he left the press briefing room after announcing his resignation. Carney, who now plans…
The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief
If the recent leaks about the US government’s surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief. Much like Kuebler-Ross’ Five Stages of…
Santa Barbara Killer’s Motive Baffles Eggheads, Know-It-All Professors
Santa Barbara, CA – As the country tries to make sense of the recent tragedy in California, the nation’s elite are always quick to point out the answers to those of us who aren’t nearly as smart as they are….
John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden
US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him.”
The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)
Russian separatists in Ukraine, eager to show the world just how diplomatic and democratic they are in their newly taken over territory, smashed voting tables, threatened vote takers and surrounded the home of a man vocally in support of elections…
President Obama Vows to Punish the Guilty in VA Scandal, Unless They Happen to be Federal Workers
Washington, D.C. – President Obama sternly admitted that no one in the country is more outraged than he over the news coming out of the VA scandal in which numerous veterans have lost their lives waiting for medical care. Nobody…
NRA Succeeds In Taking Over U.S.- Bans All Amendments Except Second
The NRA has at last accomplished their goal of taking over the government of what was once was the United States of America. Initiating a ploy that they were rebels against an unfair, repressive political entity, they succeeding in hiding…
After a Day of Spinning, Jay Carney Requires Nearly a Pharmacy to Sleep at Night
Washington, D.C. – After an average day of spinning details of current events to make the President look good, no matter how bad the situation, White House spokesman, Jay Carney, needs practically an entire pharmacy to help him sleep at…
John Boehner Found Mummified in Tanning Bed
Washington D.C. – Speaker of the House, John Boehner, known for his orange hue and lack of spine when it comes to politics, was found this weekend in a dried-out, mummified state inside a tanning bed at a local salon….