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ESPN’s Mel Kiper Picks Himself as #1 Pick in NFL Draft

ESPN’s Mel Kiper Picks Himself as #1 Pick in NFL Draft

Hollywoodland, CA (GlossySports) — ESPN’s latest NFL mock draft surprises many draft pundits, but it comes as absolutely no surprise to football analyst Mel Kiper, Jr.

Speaking to reporters earlier today, he defended his latest top draft pick projection. Continue Reading

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Brett Favre Ready To Retire — Again

Brett Favre Ready To Retire — Again

GREENBAY, WI (GlossyNews) — In a surprising and unexpected career move, Brett Favre officially announced today that he is retiring from fatherhood.

“Since I have returned to the game I love, my attention will be shifting away from my family and back to football,” Favre told reporters during a mandatory practice earlier today. Continue Reading

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Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial duties of Hell, LLC. Continue Reading

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LeBron Mural Removed, to be Replaced by “Real” Clevelander

LeBron Mural Removed, to be Replaced by “Real” Clevelander

CLEVELAND, Ohio (GlossyNews) — The 10-story billboard of LeBron James that dominates Ontario Street in downtown Cleveland is being removed by the Nike company, which had sponsored the huge mural. According to a Nike spokesman, “We are removing the LeBron James Witness mural in downtown Cleveland and expect the process to be completed within a few days.” Continue Reading

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Bowling Scandal Diverts Negative Attention from Tiger Woods

Bowling Scandal Diverts Negative Attention from Tiger Woods

CHEYENNE, WY – Still recovering from the Tiger Woods scandal, the sports world finds itself mired in yet another public spectacle.

Three-time PBA tour champion Slim “Fats” Fettwanst is suing Lurlene Jenks, owner of the “Preemptive Strikes” 32-lane bowling alley just outside Cheyenne, Wyoming. Jenks stands accused of damaging Fettwanst’s equipment during a crucial moment in the final rounds of the tournament. Continue Reading

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Tiger Woods No Longer Wants Sex

Tiger Woods No Longer Wants Sex

Number One golfer Tiger Woods, and the doctors treating him for sex addiction, claim he has made a complete recovery and no longer has any desire for sex at all.

Woods admitted himself into a sex rehab center in Hattiesburg, Mississippi after admitting to enjoying sex with no fewer than 100 women in the course of one year. After intensive therapy he no longer craves sex at all and hopes he never has sex again.

“Sex is icky and scary”, Woods told reporters. “I hope I never do that to myself again!” Continue Reading

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Former Singer/Drug Addict Bobby Brown Wins X-Games 14 Snowboarding Medal

Former Singer/Drug Addict Bobby Brown Wins X-Games 14 Snowboarding Medal

ASPEN, Colorado — R&B sensation Bobby Brown left a successful stint with New Edition in 1987 to pursue a solo career, which garnered him a string of Top 10 Billboard hits and a Grammy Award. But Brown’s increasingly bizarre behavior throughout the 1990s and early 2000s began to overshadow his past glory. Continue Reading

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Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?

Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?

Salt Lake City, UT – Thurl Bailey step aside, the LDS Church will soon have a new spokesmodel. In a bizarre turn of events yesterday morning, LDS Church elders in Salt Lake City announced that Tiger Woods has decided to join the Mormon Church.

Woods, who has been searching for meaning to his life like a bum searching for change, stumbled upon two Mormon missionaries over the Christmas holidays and has embraced the faith. Continue Reading

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NBA Hard Pressed To Find Player To Hawk New Condom Line

NBA Hard Pressed To Find Player To Hawk New Condom Line

The National Basketball Association has just introduced its latest merchandising scam, …er…, product line – assorted condoms denoting all the professional American basketball teams. Each condom is colored with a team logo.

“With these babies you can really tell if the wearer has team spirit or not!” states NBA Merchandising Agent Hard Forsports. “There’s no mistaking your loyalties here!” Continue Reading

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U. Alabama Alums Seek Nickname Change from ‘Bama to ‘Bamma

U. Alabama Alums Seek Nickname Change from ‘Bama to ‘Bamma

A Petition has been circulating among Alumni of the University of Alabama to change the popular ‘Bama nickname to ‘Bamma due to conflicts that are arising from having a President named Obama.

The reason for this requested change, as set forth in the petition, is that the name ‘Bama when mis-pronounced by most as Bah-mah, sounds too similar to Obama. Continue Reading

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NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms

NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms

The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room on Christmas Eve. Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a reserve guard, strapped up after they had argued about a gambling debt following practice, a team official said. Continue Reading

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Man Dressed as Sheep Barbequed

Man Dressed as Sheep Barbequed

A tartan-clad football hooligan is due to appear in court today to face charges concerning an incident in which an Aberdeen Woolybacks team soccer fan wearing a ‘black sheep’ Halloween fancy dress costume suffered second degree burns after being set on fire.

The 94-year-old Aberdeen side supporter, Duncan Lamb, originally of Shepherds Bush, suffered serious scorching while on a train returning from Edinburgh after last Saturday’s football match between the Hibernian Psychos and the Aberdeen Woolybacks. Continue Reading

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