As Olympics Open Michael Phelps Tests Positive for Performance-Enhancing Arms

BALTIMORE, MD – The world of athletics was left stunned Tuesday after the announcement that 14-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps has tested positive for performance-enhancing arms.

The world renowned swimmer, who won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, was found to have an arm span measuring 6 feet 7 inches – some 12 inches longer than the average swimmer.

In a statement made on his website today, Phelps issued an apology to the International Olympic Committee and his millions of fans worldwide.

“I wholeheartedly and unreservedly apologize for what I know is an unacceptable physique in the world of swimming,” read his statement. “It is one thing to try and gain an advantage over your opponents, but to be born with, and later develop, such unusually long arms is truly against the ethics of this great institution.”

“Just… what have I done?”

The IOC is set to announce its ruling Tuesday afternoon, with the possibility that Phelps could receive a ban of up to two years as well as a period of rehabilitation aimed at reducing his considerable physical stature.

Meanwhile, the announcement comes just two weeks after Special Olympics 100 Meters sprinter Adekunle Adesoji was banned for 10 months after testing positive for performance enhancing legs and also cocaine.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

6 thoughts on “As Olympics Open Michael Phelps Tests Positive for Performance-Enhancing Arms

  1. The use of steroids is evident in the size of his jaw, skull and eyes. Such sizes cannot be achieved without genetic alterations. I bet my balls that Phelps won't live beyond 40 years of age,

  2. You know what Tim, I do believe you. yes, take away his arms and what good would he be. I’d put my money on you in a heartbeat… well, like you said, if it’s under 50-meters.

  3. Phelps is highly overrated. Other than his strength, speed, endurance, physical talent and intense mental focus and self-discipline, her’s no better than me in the pool. Take away both his arms and I bet I could beat him – or at least give him a chase – if the race was not more than 50 meters, that is. Excellent investigative journalism, Laurence.

  4. I’ve never thought it was fair, the whole size advantage. I’m a short guy and when I used to run it would kill me having to run against someone 8-inches taller than me. Of course I’m one to talk. I have performance-enhancing genitals. No match for me, man.

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