Hollywoodland, CA (GlossySports) — ESPN’s latest NFL mock draft surprises many draft pundits, but it comes as absolutely no surprise to football analyst Mel Kiper, Jr.
Speaking to reporters earlier today, he defended his latest top draft pick projection.
“A lot of careful, methodical research has been done by my staff,” started the slick-haired Kiper. “And a lot of guessing. A lot of nervous, hectic, reckless guessing… We are projecting the top pick of this year’s NFL draft to be me, Mel Kiper, Jr.”
It comes as a shock to many football purists who have grown up with the notion that you have to actually know what you’re doing and know what you’re talking about to make it in the NFL. Mel Kiper, Jr. has forged an entire career from having no idea of what he’s doing or talking about. The confusion is reasonable.
Billy Devaney, the general manager of the St. Louis Rams, who secured the top overall selection in the upcoming draft after yet another abysmal season, has made it known that the team would not shy away from the physically-untested football analyst if management gave them the proverbial thumbs-up to do so.
“He not only happens to be a ‘football analyst’,” explained Devaney. “But he also happens do be a ‘draft guru’. That’s a dual-threat if I’ve ever heard of one. How can we pass up an opportunity to pick up a dual-threat?”
Some people also claim to have seen Kiper, Jr., at least once or twice in his life, physically move his legs rapidly in an apparent running motion. If it’s true that he can also run at all, is it time we talk of him as the nation’s first “triple threat”?
Not so fast (no pun intended).
Among the dissenters is Nebraska defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, who is widely considered to be the best overall athlete available in the draft. He believes that football should only hire those that are qualified to be there.
“He’s not even that good of an analyst,” admitted the young, soon-to-be-handsomely-financially-rewarded star. “Wasn’t this guy a huge supporter of Ryan Leaf and Akili Smith? I don’t even know how he still has a job at all.”
Kiper, Jr. admits that he’s made some missteps along the way.
“But who hasn’t screwed up before?” asked the heavily-scrutinized, big-haired football analyst. “Sure, I may not really know anything about football. And I might not be able to throw. Or catch. Or run. Or tackle. Or kick. Or punt… But I have cool-looking hair. And I make guesses about collegiate athletes and get paid for it. I know I can succeed at the NFL level.”
Mel Kiper, Jr. probably won’t be drafted this year. But for at least another mock draft, his staff has made all the wrong assumptions about people.
Some things will never change.