Barbour to Develop Decoder Ring for 2012 Run

YAZOO CITY, MS — GlossyNews.com In preparation for announcing his intentions to run for President in 2012, Haley Barbour, Governor of Mississippi, has begun extensive development with the Ovaltine Company of the 2012 Presidential Secret Decoder, much like those in early 20th century radio and mid-century live TV, popularized by Little Orphan Annie, Captain Midnight, Jonny Quest and Captain Video. Read more Barbour to Develop Decoder Ring for 2012 Run

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Boy 14, Cracks Skull in Attempt to Board Hogwarts Express

London, England (Glossy News) – Paramedics arrived at London King’s Cross Railway Station on September 1st at 11:13 a.m. after a teenage boy of fourteen years cracked his scull in an attempt to get to platform 9¾ from the very popular Harry Potter books.

Devon Kinney and his mother, Debora Kinney were on their way to board a train to Manchester when Debora turned around to check the train schedules. “I had my back to him for a second, and then all the sudden I heard a huge bang, and I turned around to see Devon on the ground with his head bleeding profuse amounts of blood.” Read more Boy 14, Cracks Skull in Attempt to Board Hogwarts Express

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Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

DUNCAN, OK (Glossynews)– A local satire writer has been found dead in front of his home from multiple gunshot wounds. The assault apparently took place late last night. Police aren’t releasing any information, but several alleged eyewitnesses who prefer to remain anonymous claim the man was gunned down by a masked gang of turkeys.

Likely wild. Initial reports of it being a gaggle of geese have since been disproved. While many are still skeptical about the details, evidence and shell casings gathered at the scene point towards some possibility of fowl play. Read more Local Satirist Found Dead; Fowl Play Suspected

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Driver Shaving Bikini Line Charged with “Unfortunate Accident”

TAMPA, Fla. (Glossy News) — A Florida woman on her way to visit her boyfriend had an accident on busy US Highway 1 today. Investigating officers say the accident occurred while the driver was temporarily distracted giving herself a bikini cut. Witnesses say she was driving at speeds of up to 65 mph. The driver who was rear-ended in the mishap was not injured. Paramedics discharged him on the scene. Read more Driver Shaving Bikini Line Charged with “Unfortunate Accident”

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Pres. Candidate Tryhol Proposes Legislation to Payoff Nat’l Debt

Newbie Presidential candidate Bargis Tryhol, who narrowly missed his 2010 presidential window, has created his first piece of legislation in hopes of curbing the spiraling US debt. Tryhol hopes to place the bill before the Senate Leader some time in the next few weeks, though admits tracking him down and getting it past his security detail may prove problematic.

The legislation, SBx7834, authorizes Congress to set up an International Lottery, and every US embassy, consulate, and foreign office will be retail outlets to purchase the lottery tickets. Each ticket will cost $1.00 US. There are no restrictions and any person on Earth can purchase as many tickets as they want. Read more Pres. Candidate Tryhol Proposes Legislation to Payoff Nat’l Debt

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Do Canadians Really Exist?

Do Canadians really exist? Yes, that is my question. Is there really such a whimsical folk who believe in such things as mounted police wearing red uniforms and modified cowboy hats, water wells with hand pumps, pancakes made with milk fresh from the cow, and wood burning stoves? Or are they, like so many other famous creatures, folks and fairies of legend simply a product of someone’s over-inventive fantasy? Read more Do Canadians Really Exist?

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Macy’s Nixes Taliban March During NYC Thanksgiving Day Parade

According to retailer giant Macy’s, the annual New York City Thanksgiving Day Parade was put on hold today by a New York court after an injunction was granted. The Taliban of Afghanistan protested the parade after its application to march was denied by the retailer.

The Taliban Islamic extremists have also filed their own countersuit stating their ‘right to march’ just as any other religious or political group. The court stated the unfair and prejudiced actions by the extremist organization ‘made it a hate group’ and was not protected by equal rights legislation recently enacted and reviewed by the Supreme Court. Read more Macy’s Nixes Taliban March During NYC Thanksgiving Day Parade

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After Arresting Thief, Officer in Custody for Dismembering Football Fans

DALLAS, Texas (Glossy News) — Lifelong Dallas resident, 82-year-old Opal Katz, was walking down busy Reynolds Street, struggling to drag two large plastic garbage bags behind her, when one of the bags ripped and began spilling new $20 bills onto the sidewalk.

Dallas Police Officer Melvis C. Parsons noticed the bills pouring from Ms. Katz’s bag and stopped writing a parking citation in order to help the elderly lady. Read more After Arresting Thief, Officer in Custody for Dismembering Football Fans

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‘Eat-A-Turd for the Taliban’ Big Success In Tribal Afghanistan

AFGHANISTAN (GlossyTribalNews) — In the remote tribal areas of Afghanistan, the Taliban declared today as the official “Eat A Turd For Muhammad Day.” Hundreds of armed Taliban fighters visited scores of remote tribal villages and forced village people at gunpoint to eat crap in order to show their true submission to Muhammad.

Ziki Al-Ghabouni, a spokesman for the Taliban, claims nearly a 100% of villagers participated in the event and only two dozen or so were, ‘sent to meet Muhammad’ for failing to participate. Read more ‘Eat-A-Turd for the Taliban’ Big Success In Tribal Afghanistan

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Frumpy Reclusive Woman Blossoms at Local Drinking Establishment

ANN ARBOR, Michigan (GlossyNews) — The hare lip on 50 year old Mavis Blakely’s face was very large and the sight of it scared many eligible suitors away from her in her lifetime. Many thought it prevented her from living an otherwise normal life. But Mavis claims it has helped greatly in other ways…

“Through the years I’ve saved over 300 innocent lives by preventing very drunk guys from driving home after the bars close,” claims Mavis. Her gestures with a lit cigarette left trails of smoke rings around her red hair, as her eyes flitted around the dim bar. Read more Frumpy Reclusive Woman Blossoms at Local Drinking Establishment

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Preacher Claims Bible Written About Other Earth-Like Planet

BAYNARD’S BOTTOM, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — A retired Methodist Minister claims that the Bible which supposedly depicts the history of our planet since the time God created it and everything in it was really written about another planet.

He claims that astronomers have recently discovered a planet that is almost identical to Earth, but that planet lies over a trillion light years away and is therefore making it difficult to prove his theory. Even more puzzling is how their history got to this planet, leading to one of the largest celestial mix-ups of our time. Read more Preacher Claims Bible Written About Other Earth-Like Planet

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Michele Bachman, Unaware of Y2k, Attacks Bill Clinton

CROOKSTON, Minnesota (GlossyNews) — The Republican Party, frequently criticized for being behind the times and completely devoid of new ideas, has taken yet another strategy from Newt Gingrich’s 1994 GOP Playbook. Michele Bachmann, one of the most prominent she-publican fundraisers, seems to have been advised to do as Reagan would have done, and attacked Bill Clinton in hopes that it will renew her place as the representative from Minnesota’s less-than-competitive 6th district. Read more Michele Bachman, Unaware of Y2k, Attacks Bill Clinton

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Lost WWII Japanese Battalion Found Still Huddled in Trenches

Manila, Philippines – Back pay mathematics is going to be a real tough chore for the Japanese Army to estimate in the next few months. Especially for the 134 men who’ve been on continuous combat duty in the mountains of the Philippines since 1943!

Known as, ‘not the brightest army battalion,’ the Imperial Japanese Army’s Cha Poi Battalion has been missing for almost 66 years. Read more Lost WWII Japanese Battalion Found Still Huddled in Trenches

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Glenn Beck Audience at Record Levels – Liberals Stunned

The highly viewed FOX television show The Glenn Beck Show has surged upward in viewership the last few weeks with the media industry Nomitron Ratings at an unheard of 9.4 high. The only other broadcast to hit anywhere near this mark was Kennedy’s assassination, the moon landing in 1969, and Princess Diana’s death, and of course the pilot episode of the 1983 miniseries “V”, which had a 22 share. Read more Glenn Beck Audience at Record Levels – Liberals Stunned

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Glenn Beck Threatens to Create New Religion “Ameri-Mormonistianity”

Coming off the self-proclaimed super success of his Restoring Honor Rally in Washington, D.C., Glenn Beck has reached the level of leadership needed to take his prophetic brand of hegemony to the next level.

But is his firebrand flavor of beliefs different enough and believable enough to catch on with the majority of Christians who are tired of being lied to? Read more Glenn Beck Threatens to Create New Religion “Ameri-Mormonistianity”

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92-Year-Old Pervert Arrested After Metro Bus Grope Fest

Branson, MO. – A senior citizen bus trip from the Days End senior home in Louisville, KY to Branson, Mo, a popular tourist spot in SW Missouri, has caused some trouble for the old folks and a serious run in with the law as well.

As the bus entered Missouri, an elderly woman, Bertha Klump, came up to the driver Cal Fischer complaining about being molested by a man while she was seated in the back row. Read more 92-Year-Old Pervert Arrested After Metro Bus Grope Fest

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Boston Rave “Mystery Pills” Found to be Bathtub Sponge Toys

Last Saturday, over a dozen “rave” party-goers were taken to hospital in the Boston suburb of Cambridge. The ostensible culprit was “bad ecstasy”, but the pills, sold for $25 to $35 each, turned out to be nothing more than novelty dinosaur sponge toys in capsule form, which once ingested, immediately inflated to cause serious issues. Read more Boston Rave “Mystery Pills” Found to be Bathtub Sponge Toys

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California Goes Green by Harnessing Hatred of Prop 8 Proponents

HUNTINGTON BEACH, California (GLossyNews) — A California scientist has come up with a novel idea: He has learned to harness the hatred of millions of bigoted Californians to create energy and make minorities rich in the process. Doctor Eli Lafitte, a graduate of Grambling State University, and later of UC Berkeley, says he, “has long known about the energy that permeates a room when an African-American or gay person walks in. It is known as hate by gay people and racism by African-Americans. You can definitely feel it and it makes your hair stand on end, just like static electricity. Read more California Goes Green by Harnessing Hatred of Prop 8 Proponents

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