Archive | Strange People

Man Able to Put Anti-Immigration Beliefs Aside During Qdoba Visit

Man Able to Put Anti-Immigration Beliefs Aside During Qdoba Visit

FISHERS, INDIANA – During a post-work visit to American-Mexican food chain Qdoba Tuesday, local bigot Steve Clitheroe was somehow able to put aside his anti-immigration beliefs while enjoying a “mighty fine” meal with wife Linda.

Though he routinely espouses strong views about the need to tighten up border security and to instill federal legislation that would limit the opportunities of Mexican immigrants inside the United States, he was able – just for a solitary moment – to see past the usual hard-line conservative rhetoric and just enjoy a “damn-near perfect” chicken quesadilla. Continue Reading

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Zombies Found Roaming Chain Stores Black Friday Weekend

Zombies Found Roaming Chain Stores Black Friday Weekend

Reports have been coming in from across the country of a rash of zombie-like masses rushing about specific chain stores in large communities in a feeding like frenzy.

Zombieologists, a newly developed scientific category that specifically studies zomboid type manifestations throughout the world, are puzzled by this latest development.

Although these ‘people’ seem lobotomized and ready to wreck mayhem at any moment like your normal run of the mill zombies, their fixation does not seem to be eating other human beings as is typical in normal zombiehood. Continue Reading

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That One Friend Bores You with All The Details Regardless

That One Friend Bores You with All The Details Regardless

INDIANAPOLIS – Describing a mildly amusing incident that occurred during a recent visit to the mall Monday, that one friend of yours who is perfectly nice but won’t ever shut up, proceeded to bore you with all of the details nonetheless.

Though your friend stated in seemingly clear terms that you would be spared the finer points of the incident, the socially-maladjusted individual nonetheless outlined the names of all the people involved, what they were wearing, and exactly what times each and every step of the incident took place. Continue Reading

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Protester Ousted for Using Capitalism-Made Product

Protester Ousted for Using Capitalism-Made Product

A woman was removed from protest group Occupy after fellow member found out that she used commercial sanitary products.

Mary Chambers was dishonorably dismissed from the group following an incident were her bag fell open and the contents fell to the ground including female sanitary products.

Eyewitnesses said that a tampon rolled across the floor to the outrage of onlookers.

“I saw her bend over really quickly to pick it up and hide it under her jacket. I was just so, so, shocked” Said Harriet from New England.

“I mean it is totally disloyal to the reasons why we are here, she tried to deny it but we all saw and circled in around her.”

There is some disagreement as to what happened next but it resulted in Ms Chambers being removed from the group meeting in New York.

“I am so angry, this goes against everything we stand for. She is using the tools of the fat cats to catch her menstruation. It’s like she is literally being fucked by capitalism every 28 days.” Said, outspoken, Sara from New York.

She continued: “We have evidence that shows that those tampons were made in sweatshops in Indonesia and China using child labor.”

“She has completely dishonored the sisterhood here in the Occupy group, she should be ashamed of herself for using the products of an unjust capitalist system for her own convenience.”

Ms Chambers was unavailable for comment.

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Facebook Man Skips Attractive Woman’s Cat Pictures

Facebook Man Skips Attractive Woman’s Cat Pictures

INDIANAPOLIS – Drawn to an alluring profile picture of an attractive work acquaintance named Danielle, Indianapolis man Mark Vasey subconsciously skipped past all of the 24-year-old’s cat pictures Saturday.

Initially clicking on her latest profile picture, which shows the young marketing consultant lounging by a swimming pool in nothing but a skimpy bikini, Vasey was relatively disappointed to discover that the next three images were exclusively of her cat, Charlie. Continue Reading

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Cat Subconsciously Putting Own Sensibilities Onto Humans

Cat Subconsciously Putting Own Sensibilities Onto Humans

INDIANAPOLIS – Having carried out little research into the species in question, 2-year-old Indianapolis cat, Mickey, continues to subconsciously put his own sensibilities onto humans – specifically his 29-year-old owner Matt.

Incorrectly determining that his overlord probably enjoys the sight of an expensive photo frame or delicate candle holder falling from the the top of the living room cabinet, the Russian Blue feline tested this theory Wednesday, prompting only a bitter response from the bipedal creature also known as “daddy”. Continue Reading

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Ex-Nazi Guard on Trial for 29,999 Murders Expresses Regrets

Ex-Nazi Guard on Trial for 29,999 Murders Expresses Regrets

Selvoka, Poland-(SatireWorld.com)

Former Ukranian concentration camp guard John Demjicunk’s trial ended today with a guilty verdict for the murders committed when he served as a Nazi death camp guard in German occupied Russia during WWII.

Earning the title ‘Ivan the Terrible’ for his frequent use of torture, indiscriminate terror killings of helpless inmates, and really lousy knock-knock jokes, Demjicunk evaded capture for nearly 65 years until caught living in the United States working as an part-time prison guard consultant at the Guantanamo prison complex in Cuba. Continue Reading

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Triple Negative Grocer Doesn’t <i>Not</i> Have No Bananas Today

Triple Negative Grocer Doesn’t Not Have No Bananas Today

Jerome Heywood, a green grocer working in Poughkeepiee, New York, has two conundra on his hands. First is the quantity of bananas he has available, but second and more importantly, is conveying this number to his befuddled customers.

“It’s not enough that I don’t not have no bananas,” he explained from the produce corner of the local UPick Produce, “but that when I try to tell people about it they think I’m getting all philosophical, which I’m not. It isn’t just not a non-fallacy, it’s a matter of fact.” Continue Reading

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911 Call Blamed on Noxious Farts

911 Call Blamed on Noxious Farts

A father is said to be responsible for a call out to the emergency services following a fart that was mistakenly thought to be a noxious gas leak.

Father of two, Eric Wilson, is thought to have farted in his living room around 7:35pm after the family’s evening meal. The smell registered with the rest of the family within a matter of seconds leading to Mrs Wilson to squeal “Oh. My. God. What is that smell?”. Continue Reading

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Mother of World’s Hairiest Baby Hospitalized

Mother of World’s Hairiest Baby Hospitalized

A 36 year-old woman is undergoing psychiatric testing after it was discovered that she was unaware that the child she had been pushing around in a pram for the last 5 years was in fact a dog.

The dog, known as ‘Snuggles,’ is currently being held at a local dog pound while it waits for the outcome of the mental assessment of its owner. Continue Reading

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Vice-President Biden Begins Doping for Debate

Vice-President Biden Begins Doping for Debate

Last week the big news for the 2012 presidential election was the worse-than-expected performance of President Obama in his match-up with former Governor, and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Although Obama was able to firmly demonstrate that he did have a pulse, little else was evident from his reaction to the many contradictory statements made by his opponent.

That debate was the big match on the ticket for all debates in this election cycle and the undercard of the vice-presidential debate would not normally warrant much attention. Both of the vice-presidential candidates offer something unique to this cycle, one locked into a conservative mantra that leaves out all but the upper 1%, and one who can’t seem to keep his foot out of his mouth whenever the spotlight is shined upon him. Continue Reading

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GlossyNews Finds Man Who’s Never Heard of Obama or Romney

GlossyNews Finds Man Who’s Never Heard of Obama or Romney

(GlossyNews) — Deep in the swamps of Louisiana, reporters for GlossyNews have discovered a man who has never heard of either presidential candidate. He is believed to be the last of his kind.

Inviting the curious journalists inside his spacious hollowed out tree, Boudreaux Fipps III, age 80-something, stunned the expedition with his total ignorance of politics. Continue Reading

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