Jacob “Don’t Use My Last Name” Wilberson of Pocatello, Idaho, has had one dream since watching grunge videos in the 90s; to crowd surf.
It came to fruition this week as it also came crashing down with as many newtons in tow as a 419 pound man can muster. According to witnesses, it wasn’t pretty, but it was pretty funny.
Heywood Jalickit told Glossy News, “First of all, I don’t even know how a dude that big gets up on the stage in the first place [what with his waddly, sweaty, stubby little legs,] but then how he can manage to jump off a stage?”
RIGHT: With as much money as he has, he may have simply assumed he could have everything in life. Click photo to enlarge.
His friend, Will Jablowme chimed in, “He didn’t jump, he just leaned back and left the rest to gravity. What was he thinking? Crowd surfers never break 140, or they’d hit the ground in ten feet.”
Security footage shows that the first few rows, due to sheer density, supported the corpulent mass of Mr. Wilberson, but as he was handed back and the crowd thinned, he quickly went groundward.
“I think I might have hit my head,” said a stunned Wilberson from the medic tent. “And does my cat airplane quickly blue to guitar canals?” Adding, “Ha ha! did I just say balls?”
Event planners assured us that the maximum approved weight for body passing is zero, since they don’t endorse it, but wished to add, “come on, seriously? It’s got to be about 160 at the most. He was over four bills? What the hell was he thinking? How did he think it would end?”
Marigold Seriouslythatsmyname was in the front row we he back-flopped into the crowd, and offered this perspective. “We weren’t surfing him, we just wanted to not die.”
When asked if we could get her phone number or email for followup, Miss Seriouslythatsmyname assured us she was under the age of 18. This was no deterant to the camera man, who successfully pursued her. Charges are pending, more on that story as it develops.