Archive | Health

GlaxoSmithKline “Not” Intimidating HPV Shot Victims

GlaxoSmithKline “Not” Intimidating HPV Shot Victims

A mother who is initiating legal action against the PoxoShitSlime pharmaceutical giant – claiming her daughter was left partially paralysed after being shot up with their toxic HPV anti-cancer vaccine – has been told by local authority’s Gestapo style ‘Bully Squad’ that the teenager is to be put on the social services ‘at-risk’ register if she goes ahead and pushes her public outcry for an investigation. Continue Reading

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Bed Sharing ‘Bad for your Health’, Says Bummer Council

Bed Sharing ‘Bad for your Health’, Says Bummer Council

The results of a three year survey commissioned by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has concluded couples should consider sleeping apart for the good of their health (mental as well as physical) and overall emotional relationship. Continue Reading

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GOP Leader Tells Cancer Victim to “Beg for Charity”

GOP Leader Tells Cancer Victim to “Beg for Charity”

US House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va.) wins the award for Scumbag Politician of the Week – a widely contested prize around Congress these past few years – with both Democrats and Republics running neck and neck in the qualifying heats. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society1 Comment

Yob Artificial Brain Prototype Test OK

Yob Artificial Brain Prototype Test OK

A detailed functional artificial human brain will be available on the National Health Service within the next year – if we don’t all die of Sneezy Pig virus this autumn – or the effects of the toxic anti-flu vaccine – according to scientists and technicians assigned to TV’s Scrapheap Challenge research lab’s. Continue Reading

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Killer Biscuits Banned in EU Coffee Shops

Killer Biscuits Banned in EU Coffee Shops

The latest piece of asinine legislature to emerge from the EU’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money in Brussels involves HSE risk assessments for every possible human function and endeavour – from brewing a cup of tea or coffee to opening a can of soup – to cleaning your teeth and gargling – to wiping one’s arse and – to – believe it or not – a risk assessment ‘danger rating’ index for eating biscuits. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society1 Comment

New Malpractice Defense Tactic: Doctors Told to Fess Up

New Malpractice Defense Tactic: Doctors Told to Fess Up

Washington, D.C. – On the advice of their attorneys and malpractice insurance company executives, doctors are now stepping forward and admitting their mistakes, hoping that a sincere apology and a couple of bucks will make multi-million dollar malpractice and wrongful death lawsuits magically disappear. “Folks who have erroneously lost an arm or a leg, or even a kidney because of a mix-up in charts know that they can’t grow those things back and they can’t buy a new limb or organ—they just want someone to own up to the mistake and say, ‘look, I’m human, I’ve erred,’ said Joe Shnuck, Chief Surgeon at Washington General Hospital. Continue Reading

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Human Guinea Pig Mutations Blamed on Sunny D’

Human Guinea Pig Mutations Blamed on Sunny D’

A final sanitised report into a clinical trial of the experimental drug TGN 1412 at a Little Hampton clinic that left six men seriously mutated in March found the catastrophic adverse physical reactions they suffered were not due to errors in how the drug was made or tested. Continue Reading

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Genetic Engineering Goes Bananas, Boosts Chimp IQ’s

Genetic Engineering Goes Bananas, Boosts Chimp IQ’s

UK police and Interpol are hot on the trail of a troop of thirty-plus chimpanzees that escaped from their enclosure at Chester Zoo in Cheshire this weekend, forcing visitors to flee in terror. Continue Reading

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Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close

Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close

The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA. Continue Reading

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NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer

NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer

As New Labour’s plan to slash the National Health Service workforce by 10% – from doctors to drudges – encounters caustic criticism, the Department of Ill-Health mandarins switch tracks and are now ordering nursing staff to cut all palliative care of elderly patients and promote a policy of drastic Nazi-era euthenasia to make ends meet. Continue Reading

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Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Researchers from the government’s Institute for Wasting Time & Money have recently decided that the food provided in HM Prisons is better than in NHS hospitals – which ultimately may support the pointless argument that people live longer in prisons than they do in hospitals. Continue Reading

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Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews

Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews

Reporters from the Daily Shitraker have uncovered a secret plan formulated by Sir Erwin Bogbrush – New Labour’s Minister for Orwellian Studies – to send overweight children on a draconian NHS enforced slimming regime. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Kidz Zone0 Comments

NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late

NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late

The National Health Service has apologised after writing to a man to address various concerns over his hospital medical treatment – three-and-half years after he kicked the bucket and went aloft to join the Choir Invisible. Continue Reading

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Counter Protester Turns to Cannibalism

Counter Protester Turns to Cannibalism

Kayotic City, CA – Things turned ugly Wednesday night at a gathering of citizens in favor of President Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill, when a counter-protester ran up to one of the march participants and bit off the tip of his finger. The victim, Phil Langes, was rushed to Los Rabies Hospital and Medical Center’s emergency room; however, the finger tip could not be sewn back on due to the fact that the man who bit it off appears to have swallowed it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Top Stories0 Comments

Obama Proposes Pet Health Care Plan to Woo Seniors

Obama Proposes Pet Health Care Plan to Woo Seniors

Stung by reports that the elderly are turning against his health care reform proposal, President Barack Obama is prepared to offer seniors a series of incentives to get them back on board. Continue Reading

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Kennedy to Achieve Health Care Reform from Grave

Kennedy to Achieve Health Care Reform from Grave

Washington — Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward reports that the Obama Administration plans to use the death of Senator Ted Kennedy to fast-track its health care reform measure now languishing in Congress. Continue Reading

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