Archive | Health

Genetic Engineering Goes Bananas, Boosts Chimp IQ’s

Genetic Engineering Goes Bananas, Boosts Chimp IQ’s

UK police and Interpol are hot on the trail of a troop of thirty-plus chimpanzees that escaped from their enclosure at Chester Zoo in Cheshire this weekend, forcing visitors to flee in terror. Continue Reading

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Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close

Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close

The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA. Continue Reading

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NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer

NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer

As New Labour’s plan to slash the National Health Service workforce by 10% – from doctors to drudges – encounters caustic criticism, the Department of Ill-Health mandarins switch tracks and are now ordering nursing staff to cut all palliative care of elderly patients and promote a policy of drastic Nazi-era euthenasia to make ends meet. Continue Reading

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Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Researchers from the government’s Institute for Wasting Time & Money have recently decided that the food provided in HM Prisons is better than in NHS hospitals – which ultimately may support the pointless argument that people live longer in prisons than they do in hospitals. Continue Reading

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Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews

Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews

Reporters from the Daily Shitraker have uncovered a secret plan formulated by Sir Erwin Bogbrush – New Labour’s Minister for Orwellian Studies – to send overweight children on a draconian NHS enforced slimming regime. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Kidz Zone0 Comments

NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late

NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late

The National Health Service has apologised after writing to a man to address various concerns over his hospital medical treatment – three-and-half years after he kicked the bucket and went aloft to join the Choir Invisible. Continue Reading

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Counter Protester Turns to Cannibalism

Counter Protester Turns to Cannibalism

Kayotic City, CA – Things turned ugly Wednesday night at a gathering of citizens in favor of President Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill, when a counter-protester ran up to one of the march participants and bit off the tip of his finger. The victim, Phil Langes, was rushed to Los Rabies Hospital and Medical Center’s emergency room; however, the finger tip could not be sewn back on due to the fact that the man who bit it off appears to have swallowed it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Top Stories0 Comments

Obama Proposes Pet Health Care Plan to Woo Seniors

Obama Proposes Pet Health Care Plan to Woo Seniors

Stung by reports that the elderly are turning against his health care reform proposal, President Barack Obama is prepared to offer seniors a series of incentives to get them back on board. Continue Reading

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Kennedy to Achieve Health Care Reform from Grave

Kennedy to Achieve Health Care Reform from Grave

Washington — Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward reports that the Obama Administration plans to use the death of Senator Ted Kennedy to fast-track its health care reform measure now languishing in Congress. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Swine Flu Vaccine Banned in Kosher Israel

Swine Flu Vaccine Banned in Kosher Israel

Jerusalem – Israeli Health officials have announced today that the swine flu vaccine will not be made available to the general public as punishment for the more than 1,700 people who went against Hebrew law by contracting swine flu. Continue Reading

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Waterproof Sunscreen Useless Against Crying, Leads to More

Waterproof Sunscreen Useless Against Crying, Leads to More

When selecting a brand, type and configuration of sunscreen, it’s important to bear in mind your needs, lifestyle and personal habits. For us, it was easy to choose a high SPF rating, opt for the waterproof, and go with a trusted name brand. What I didn’t take into account was my personal propensity for crying, and none of the brands had anything to protect me from that. Continue Reading

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Secret Obama Health Strategy Leaked

Secret Obama Health Strategy Leaked

Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward revealed today that a high-level White House source has provided him with transcripts of Obama War Room strategy sessions. Continue Reading

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Teens Having Less Sex (in the missionary position)

Teens Having Less Sex (in the missionary position)

According to research conducted nationwide, conventional teen coitus is on the downturn. Not in favor of abstinence, but in favor of more exhausting, athletic and often dangerous positions. Continue Reading

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Americans Depressed Over “Fat” Stereotype Seek Solace in Cheesecake

Americans Depressed Over “Fat” Stereotype Seek Solace in Cheesecake

Americans, long iconic heroes to ignorant third-worlders and lesser ethnics alike, have in recent decades been labeled as nothing more than lazy, overweight, couch-faring snobs by counterparts in Europe and Asia alike. This reputation may have exacerbated the problem as, increasingly, Americans are found seeking comfort and acceptance both from Big Mars as well as pints of double-fudge ice cream. Continue Reading

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Slut 2.0 Introduces Hot-Swappable Ports

Slut 2.0 Introduces Hot-Swappable Ports

On the eve of release, designers and critics alike are praising the much anticipated release of the newest version of Slut. Whether you are a casual user or a diehard Slut enthusiast, the robust build promises a hole new experience in high speed access. Continue Reading

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Ball Cancer; Testing your Testes for Health and Safety

Ball Cancer; Testing your Testes for Health and Safety

Among the rarest of cancers comes cancer of the testes. Glossy News brings you these helpful tips to keeping your balls healthy. Continue Reading

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