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Feds Net Price-Fixing Bee Keepers In Killer Sting

Feds Net Price-Fixing Bee Keepers In Killer Sting

Stinger’s End, NJ – GlossyNews.comFederal authorities have netted over 300 bee keepers in a carefully crafted sting operation that was hatched nationwide in the past three-weeks. Yellow jacketed agents swarmed in and arrested several key people late last night in an operation that was honeycombed with illicit price fixing, illegal honey imports, and reports of product contamination. Local detention centers were a hive of activity as suspects were brought in for questioning, and we promise no more weak-kneed bee puns after this point*. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Health0 Comments

Man Stumped Over Penis Mishap

Man Stumped Over Penis Mishap

FALLS TOWNSHIP, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Court documents released today revealed startling accusations from a Philadelphia area stock broker’s lawsuit against a nationally known erectile dysfunction clinic for their alleged amputation of both the plaintiff’s legs in a botched attempt to make his penis appear larger.

In an early morning news conference, attorneys for the broker charged the clinic with the “reckless disregard for our client’s health and safety” in what is described as “an act of wanton, near criminal malpractice.” Lawyers were quick to add that their client, “Did not even need the services of the clinic,” but was merely offering himself up as a “test subject of sort, so they could see what a real man looked like.”

The plaintiff is asking for an undisclosed sum “of several million dollars” in punitive damages from the clinic. “That is really a small price to pay,” added the attorney. “Considering our client was only visiting the erectile dysfunction clinic to check it out of a friend who is less well endowed than my client not just physically, but in terms of stamina and sexual technique.” The attorney further classified the plaintiff’s sexual prowess as “legendary” and claims the loss of his legs will not just severely limit his ability to enjoy his candy apple red, 16 cylinder with seven speed manual transmission, Bugatti Veyron 16.4 sports car, but will inflict “untold hardship on legions of young women who are just lining up to get with the plaintiff.”

A spokesman for the erectile dysfunction clinic was quick to deny the stock broker’s accusations, and classified the case as “frivolous.” “While we agree the removal of a person’s legs is not standard procedure in treating erectile dysfunction or penis enlargement, this procedure was executed at the explicit instruction of the patient. And, we have the contract to prove it,” claimed the spokesman.

According the clinic’s records, the plaintiff in the case was the subject of several rounds of erectile dysfunction and penis enlargement procedures at the clinic over an eight-month period; all of which did not meet the patient’s expectations.

“I can honestly say the initial results for this patient were nothing less than astounding, and consistent with the therapeutic outcomes that have satisfied thousands of our customers from around the country,” stated the attending physician in the case. “Most men seeking our services just want to improve their sexual health and enhance their personal intimacy; this guy wanted us to mutate him into some kind of perverse pogo stick.”

Finally, in desperation, and after several threats from the stock broker of legal action and warnings of “buying and selling your worthless asses in the Third World,” the clinic allegedly offered to do whatever the client wanted in order to satisfy him. A copy of the actual contract between the broker and clinic shows the text of the document covered with a red “X”, and “I want my p*cker to hit the floor” written diagonally across the page in large letters.

“Not only did we live up to the letter of our contract, in its entirety,” claimed the spokesman. “According to our post operative records, the patient, against our instructions, impulsively jumped straight off the recovery bed and not only got his expressed wish, but the whole fruit bowl got a good splat on the tile at no additional charge.”

In an exclusive interview, the injured stock broker, identifying himself only as “Karl,” or “KaaaAAAAARRRL!!! as the ladies know him, the 5 foot, two inch, 230 pile “hunk of man meat,” who, despite his injuries, can still bench press several hundred pounds, and is “twice the man” as this reporter, claimed he was asking nothing out of the ordinary from the clinic. “Everybody always says ‘I can’t do this, I can’t do that,’ when what they’re really saying is ‘I’m too stupid and lazy to do what I’m getting paid to do.’ I heard the same thing when I got my hair transplant. “Blah, blah, blah,’ they said. Now, look at me. Not only do I have a full head of hair, all my gold chains are highlighted by so much chest hair it looks like I’m descended from a grizzly, and my pubes are sculpted into the shape of a lightning bolt. Now, that’s a company that cares about its customers.”

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Posted in Health, Society, Top Stories2 Comments

Insurance Companies Market ‘Do-It-Yourself’ Medical Options

Insurance Companies Market ‘Do-It-Yourself’ Medical Options

WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a move sure to restart the nation’s divisive healthcare debate, major insurance companies announced new healthcare plans featuring controversial “self-serve” medical options designed to reduce costs.

“Our new self-serve options for childbirth, surgery and annual physical exams provide consumers with more choices while reducing the escalating cost of care,” said a representative for WellPoint, one of the nation’s largest health insurers.  Aetna and UnitedHealth Group also announced new self-serve options. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society5 Comments

Possible Cause for Marijuana Addiction Discovered

Possible Cause for Marijuana Addiction Discovered

LONDON (GlossyNews) — In groundbreaking new research, scientists at world-renowned Oxford University in Oxford, England have discovered that patchouli oil may cause marijuana addiction.

Extensive studies have been conducted over the past twelve years linking the use of the semi-popular fragrance to that of marijuana smoking. In order to complete the experiment, scientists and volunteers have been encouraged to bring in anyone off of the street who smells like patchouli. Continue Reading

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Obama Food Program Threatens Bush Weight Loss Policies

Obama Food Program Threatens Bush Weight Loss Policies

WASHINGTON, D.C (GlossyNews) — Americans are still too fat, but obesity rates in the United States appear to be slowing, according to newly released research.

Government data show that 68 percent of U.S. adults are considered overweight, having a body mass index of 25 or higher. A third are obese, having a body mass index of 30 or higher. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics0 Comments

Obama Imposes Shopping Cart Safety Measures for Kids

Obama Imposes Shopping Cart Safety Measures for Kids

BALTIMORE, Maryland (GlossyNews) — The Obama Administration, in another unprecedented exercise of governmental control, has ordered the Consumer Protection Agency to implement sweeping new safety codes to protect children in shopping carts. The strict new rules will carry the force of law across America, but they are implemented by the Consumer Protection Agency – a body of appointed, not elected, officials who answer directly to the President and his cabinet.

The laws, which go into effect November 1, 2010, are designed to protect children and are based on a recent study which showed that over 24000 children are admitted to hospitals each year from accidents resulting from shopping cart incidents. While the reforms are meant to protect children, they severely hinder the rights and responsibilities of parents to control and monitor their own children’s behavior. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

World’s Longest Hair Discovered in Bake Sale Cake

World’s Longest Hair Discovered in Bake Sale Cake

The World’s longest hair has been discovered by a good Samaritan who bought a 23 pound German chocolate cake from a group of Pentecostal ladies hosting a bake sale in front of a local department store.

The 17 foot long red hair was discovered by Joe Cook, local do-gooder and bleeding heart, after he purchased the cake sitting in a nest of cellophane covered cookies and pies withering in a heat index of 104 degrees outside the Mega-mart. Continue Reading

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Burt Reynolds Announces Moustache Club for Men

Burt Reynolds Announces Moustache Club for Men

America’s iconic symbol of 1970’s sexual excess, who’s had more you know what than a porta-potty seat at Bonnaroo, if you know what I mean, today announced a new joint venture with ‘Magnum PI’ alum Tom Selleck.

Clinics will be established across the United States, to aid aging baby boomer males who can’t grow a decent moustache without professional help. Speaking to reporters, Reynolds said, “Yeah, whatever. Could be some money in it, we’ll see, huh? Ride it as long as it’s fun, just like Dolly Parton.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health1 Comment

FEMA Releases Prep Guide for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact

FEMA Releases Prep Guide for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — The thought of an approaching meteor the size of Manhattan is certain to cause anyone a fair amount of anxiety.  However, you can provide some level of comfort to your family by attempting to prepare for this once-in-a-billion-years event. 

Small objects are constantly colliding with the earth every day, and most go unnoticed.  Large meteors however will very rarely cross Earth’s orbit but one can never be too prepared for the “Big One”. 

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has released simple recommendations that will guide you in avoiding the apocalyptic devastation that astronomers tell us isn’t a matter of “if” but rather “quite possibly any day now Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science0 Comments

Airport Screenings to Include CT Scans, MRIs, Dental Cleanings

Airport Screenings to Include CT Scans, MRIs, Dental Cleanings

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Glossy News) — Last December, following a foiled terrorist airline attack, airports implemented full body scans, prompting many air travelers to wonder what additional security procedures they would have to endure. The wondering can stop. Yesterday, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a comprehensive battery of new health care-friendly airport screenings. In addition to full body scans, air travelers will now be able to get free CAT scans, MRIs, dental cleanings and even yearly physicals while going through security. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Travel0 Comments

Woman Sheds 42 Pounds Doing Shopping Cart Cha-Cha

Woman Sheds 42 Pounds Doing Shopping Cart Cha-Cha

Dallas, TX (GlossyNews) — A new exercise craze is sweeping America by storm. It’s not Pilates, it’s not aerobics, or any number of other workout routines on the market these days. This one is based on getting up on your feet, driving the mini-van to the nearest supermarket, and cha-cha-ing your way around the store.

It’s called “Cha-Cha-Ping” and all you need is a shopping cart, a sense of rhythm and a desire to shed pounds in a short period of time. Trish Fandeu actually stumbled upon the exercise quite by accident. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health1 Comment

Democrats Euthanize Elderly to Make Snack Foods

Democrats Euthanize Elderly to Make Snack Foods

Macon, GA (GlossyNews) — Intrepid FOX News reporters have uncovered a heinous Left Wing plot to do in America’s older generation. While many were declaring the hard right’s scary threats that the Left was going to let older citizens die out, it turns out that the truth is even darker yet. FOX has acquired evidence that a Democratic backed organization is spiriting Medicare and, Social Security recipients to a secret location, mass gassing them, then processing their bodies into a dog food. This pooch munch is then sold through the firm Soylent Green Really Yummie Pet Food Company. Continue Reading

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