Category: Crime
Tragedy Blamed on Mistaken Identity
TORONTO, Ontario (GlossyNews) RCMP District Superintendent Dudley Pemberton spoke to reporters today in the wake of what’s being called ‘the Toronto atrocity.’ “First, I want to say we tried to do right. All of you who snidely imply otherwise, you…
Extortion Plots Pouring into FBI
QUANTICO, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Word travels fast in the criminal world. Since word of Joran van der Sloot’s arrest on charges of killing a Peruvian woman, the more intriguing back story of his ability to bilk $25,000 out of the…
Testimony Begins in Sloth Abuse Trial
TEMPLE, Texas (GlossyNews) — A jury of seven men and five women are listening to eyewitness testimony in the trial of impatient businessman Ron Martin, who battered 90-year-old Doris Sloth with a bag of frozen okra after she took twenty…
Dutch Guy Murderer? Well, Duh…
Lima, Peru (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. Slime weasel Joran van der Sloot has been handed over to Peruvian authorities, because he finally killed a chica where there wasn’t no deep water around….
Tax Refunds Revealed as Giant Ponzi Scheme
Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Investigators have uncovered a multi-trillion dollar financial fraud so massive and widespread it has victimized nearly every household in America for decades. According to investigators the so-called “Tax Refund Pyramid” employs many of the same techniques…
Homeless “Hippie” and Dogs Arrested for Selling Marijuana to Teens
Venice Beach, CA (GlossyNews) — A local homeless man arrested yesterday has been charged with grand theft auto and selling marijuana to minors, according to police. Shaggy Rogers, known only as “Shaggy” on the street, was arrested after propositioning an undercover…
Dick Cheney Has Oil on His Hands in Louisiana
Jackson, WY (GlossyNews)b– “Oh what an oily mess we make when kickbacks from Halliburton we do take,” should have screamed the headlines in this morning’s newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media…
Video Forensic Guy Not a ‘Miracle Worker’
Chicago, IL – For the third time in as many days, Chicago Police Department forensic analyst Ted Hatcher confessed to being unable to magically extract high definition pictures from damaged, out-of-focus, and low resolution images. Hatcher’s failure was met with disbelief and…
CEOs, Economists Taken Out and Shot – Economy Soars
Bronx, NY (GlossyNews) — The world side recession surprisingly ended abruptly today after the CEO’s, Investors and Economists responsible for causing the downturn by bilking investors, gouging company finances and lying to the public were taken out and shot. Borrowing…
Cookie Monster Robs Girl Scouts: Three dead
Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — In what was considered shocking, even by Detroit standards, the beloved blue Sesame Street character today staged a bloody robbery at a suburban strip mall. No Girl Scouts were injured, but three shoppers were killed in…