Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — In what was considered shocking, even by Detroit standards, the beloved blue Sesame Street character today staged a bloody robbery at a suburban strip mall. No Girl Scouts were injured, but three shoppers were killed in a hail of bullets witnesses termed “confusing.”
Police declined to name the victims, pending notification of relatives, but stated the Cookie Monster made off with fourteen boxes of Tagalongs and eight boxes of Do-Si-Dos.
The robbery quickly elicited media attention. Speaking to reporters, WH Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “This is what happens when Muppets don’t have health care.” Conversely, FOX News commenter Karl Rove was quick to link the robbery to Obama’s failure to dissuade Israel from another housing development.
It’s widely known the Cookie Monster has fallen on hard times, having been dismissed from the PBS children’s show following reports of that lurid sex scandal. The random violence of the robbery was totally beyond explanation from media personalities though.
As usually happens, nine year olds were more articulate on the matter than well paid adults. Witness Ashley said, “He’s not nice at all; he took our cookies and shot people for no reason! He’s mean!” Witness Devon was even more harsh in her assessment of the robbery. “DUH Ashley, buy a vowel? His name is Monster, get it?”
Muppet creator Jim Henson could not be reached for comment, because he’s dead.