Tee Toos Landing, LA (GlossyNews) — Coonass Marty Boudreaux, who spends the bulk of his spare time drinking Dixie beer and shooting anything that moves, is pretty darned angry these days. That’s because a giant oil slick is coming on shore and wiping out the animals before he can get at ‘em.
“I tol you wat,” says Boudreaux, “if der ain’t won ting dat gets to me from dis hole mess dat’s goin’ down out heyah, is dat all dem birds and shit dat’s gettin’ kilt-dem wuz mine to shoots offa my front porch in da ebenin, when I is relaxin out heah, after a long day on da bayou spent gut shootin all dem udder varmints. Now who wans to shoot at a bird dat got oil all ober it-yuck. You eber try to stomp on da hed of a screamin’ pelican wi greez all ober de dam ting? Wa I amost bust my dam ass, dat wha happen. I be glad when dis shit done blow over-whar a hurricane when you need one? Maaaannnn poo. Hol on shie-did you see sumpin move out der? Look at dat der-is dat a tar blob? Gimme my gun.”