Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Washington 0500hrs: Creepy-looking founder of Wikileaks and alleged evil genius, Julian Assange, has officially been charged by prosecutors in Florida with molesting at least 26 political careers over the course of a single week last year.

The controversial figurehead and former computer hacker, currently under house arrest in England, claims the allegations are preposterous. “I did not assault these diplomats,” declared Assange, as he left court with his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson QC. Read more Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

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How to Get AOL to Buy Your Blog for Millions

You may have heard the recent news about AOL purchasing Huffington Post for the sum of $315 million dollars. Will AOL buy your blog? Will AOL pay you a million dollars for your blog or website? Will AOL give you hundreds of millions of dollars to buy your blog? Are you crazy?

The short answer is maybe, but the longer answer is maybe-but-a-we-just-a-gotta-wait-and-see, but maybe not for $315 million cold, hard smackeroos. It could be more, though it could be much, much less… and you’d still be happy about it. Read more How to Get AOL to Buy Your Blog for Millions

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GlossyNews Honored, Insulted by Romanian Knock-Off

If imitation truly is the sincerest form of flattery, then this recently noticed Glossy News site in Romania means we’ve truly made it. If it doesn’t, however, Dracula owes me some blood, because I’ve been running this mare hard for 9-years, and even Vlad the Impaler better pay me some props. Read more GlossyNews Honored, Insulted by Romanian Knock-Off

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GlossyNews Swallows [Pride] and Merges with Twitter

Following a precipitous plummet in readership, the once formidable political satire site Glossynews announced today that it will be merging with Twitter to create internet’s the first 140 character satire site.  Glossynews found itself in trouble shortly after insisting on well-edited pieces, much to the ire of thousands of aspiring writers who produced copious amounts of material for the site. Read more GlossyNews Swallows [Pride] and Merges with Twitter

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Google Buys Wikileaks for an Undisclosed $30 Billion USD

Mountain View, CA- GlossyNews.com In what is likely the fastest negotiated buyout in history, mega-corporation Google will purchase the redheaded stepchild of the information age, Wikileaks.org, from founder J. Paul Assange for a staggering, undisclosed sum of $30 billion USD.

An unidentified source has confirmed the money will changed hands, making accused condom-hater Assange one of the richest men on earth. How Google plans to dole out unreleased Wikileaks information was not addressed in the leaked statement. Read more Google Buys Wikileaks for an Undisclosed $30 Billion USD

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EHarmony Threatens Survival of Entire Human Race

The popular dating website has tens of millions of users around the globe and claims that the marriages it engenders last longer and are more contented than normal. It bases its matches between singles on compatibility traits. “This is the problem”, one genetics researcher, Dr. Tsung Foo of Apple Fertility Clinic, a new app for the iPhone, professes, “since compatibility is not a natural human species mating trait. That is not how sex works.” Read more EHarmony Threatens Survival of Entire Human Race

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Arriva PLC Threatens Satirists Who Never Even Mentioned Them

SEATTLE, Former British Colonies (GlossyNews) – On Sunday, the 27th of June, 2010, the headquarters of Glossy News was shocked to receive a notice from the solicitors of Arriva PLC (www.arriva.co.uk ) demanding that Glossy News cease and desist. Due to the failure of the top notch crew at Arriva to enclose a promised attachment, it was some time until analysts at Glossy News could figure out what the hell we were supposed to cease and desist from. Read more Arriva PLC Threatens Satirists Who Never Even Mentioned Them

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US wins Supercomputer Race w/ Record-Breaking Chinese Computer

It was announced this week that China now owns the world’s fastest computer, which is a great victory for Americans, since the technology is far from new, and the technology all comes from Santa Clara, California. That’s clearly a boon for capitalism.

While the fans and power cables may have been sourced in China (no confirmation as of yet, they may have as likely come from Japan or India,) the chips powering the world’s fastest supercomputer are indeed nothing short of left-coast American bred. Read more US wins Supercomputer Race w/ Record-Breaking Chinese Computer

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Facebroker Replaces Facebook in Somalia

MOGADISHU, Somalia – High seas pirates tired of battling high seas and all those US and French Naval ships have decided to become landlubbers again and do what their fellow continental Nigerians are doing, scamming people from solid ground.

They’ve opened a new operation entitled Facebroker whereby they steal the identities of people on Facebook and sell them to people who don’t have identities on Facebook so that they can be identified on Facebook as someone other than themselves. Read more Facebroker Replaces Facebook in Somalia

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Collective Human Intelligence in Danger Due to Internet

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (GlossyNews) — Scientists in Stockholm are just now concluding a 5-year long research project designed to determine whether or not mainstream consciousness is finally overpowering mindless consciousness and endangering the world we live in to such a degree that we may find ourselves staring down the real Apocalypse of 2012.

Some of the findings are startling. From the “don’t worry your bottom dollar about it” scenario to “holy shit, we have a crisis on our hands” [our words not theirs], the report is poised to set the social networking world on its head. Read more Collective Human Intelligence in Danger Due to Internet

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Colbert’s Nation Rallies for War, Raises Battle Capital

There’s little debating the power of Stephen Colbert and the Colbert Nation. It has amongst the youngest news audience out there (80% of his viewers are in the coveted 18-49 demographic, according to a recent Pew Poll,) but the bigger story is Colbert’s ability to rally them to support any given cause. Take for instance the fan-advocated goal of raising $100,000 for underfunded school programs. Impossible? Maybe not. Read more Colbert’s Nation Rallies for War, Raises Battle Capital

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Hotels of Hilton Suck Harder than Namesake Paris

I’ve been gracious about this for years, but at some point even the most jaded of satirist has to throw up his hands and say there simply has to be some grand conspiracy at work. Perhaps there isn’t. Perhaps it’s pure coincidence that the same guy who published stories about what a worthless bucket of brackish humanity Paris Hilton is would then find himself on the outs with Hilton Hotels for years to come. Read more Hotels of Hilton Suck Harder than Namesake Paris

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Facebook Addiction Survivors Found Adrift in Cyberspace

RESTSTOP, Info Superhighway (GlossyNews) — A group of Facebook addiction survivors was found floating in cyberspace last night, clinging to the remnants of a past life spent ogling other people’s lives from the comfort of their home or office. The tattered and torn pride of Linda Deetle, Marvin Locke, Jennifer Pezelridge and four others, who pulled the plug on Facebook within the last week, was evident when Tawdry Soup caught up with the trio.

“I was lonely,” cried Deetle, a 47 year old widow, Read more Facebook Addiction Survivors Found Adrift in Cyberspace

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Satire Writers Threaten Strike After Working Slowdown Goes Unnoticed

In uncertain economic times, people facing unemployment and foreclosure often find it difficult to empathize with artists who suffer writers block. Such was confirmed in a recent study from the Pew Research Center. According to the results:

67 percent of unemployed Gulf Coast shrimpers and tourism workers don’t daily think about people with writers block. Read more Satire Writers Threaten Strike After Working Slowdown Goes Unnoticed

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Man Collapsed on Sidewalk Ignored by Over 200 Facebook Friends

Harry Salimi, a 52 year old New York resident, was walking his dog in a busy thoroughfare on Wednesday morning, when a sudden dizzy spell and radiating pains from his right hand sent him sprawling to the ground in a dramatic and outrageous fashion after making two brief stops on the way down: one at the side of a public water fountain and another at a half-full garbage bin. For twenty minutes, Mr. Salimi lay motionless on the ground, leaving his Cocker Spaniel mix with nothing to do but look mournfully at passers by. Read more Man Collapsed on Sidewalk Ignored by Over 200 Facebook Friends

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The Baby Dictionary .com Shows What Kids Really Say

Satire is a notable medium, and it’s thus called because it’s neither rare nor well done, and well, we see a lot of new entries into the game each week, but few so clever as TheBabyDictionary.com. They do things a bit different than us, and a bit subtler at that, and they serve the genre well. Read more The Baby Dictionary .com Shows What Kids Really Say

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Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that “Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, greeks, and fat people that I have ever seen! Twitter is bad. My true fans know where to find me.” Read more Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account

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MTV Snared in Illegal Promotion Pact with Perez Hilton

If you’d looked at this a year ago, you’d have found that Perez Hilton was either a no-talent ass-clown or one of the biggest trend-setter bloggers in the western world. But if you look at him today you’ll find he’s made some sinister pact with Viacom, and he’s paying it backwards, as he’s wont to do. Read more MTV Snared in Illegal Promotion Pact with Perez Hilton

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