John Kerry Finally Gets Around to Threatening Glossynews: Syrian Cooking Pots…

John Kerry has threatened the pitiful Unamerican/Uncosmopolitan “satire” outlet “Glossynews” with humanitarian annihilation, if we do not shape up.

Read the transcript, and promise me not to laugh. This shit is serious.

The illegitimate Glossynews editorial regime and its vicious hack collaborators, for too long, have defied the wrath of the International Community.

These despicable hooligans truly are “Sinners in the Hand of an Angry Military-Industrial Complex,” and it’s about time they started acting accountably.

Their crimes against breadsticks are simply intolerable. It is over 72 hours since either a news post or even a meagre, petty, individual comment on Glossynews has mentioned the Olive Garden fiasco. How much longer does Our Common Humanity have to wait?

“I know not with what weapons President Assad has fought with, because we haven’t had a chance to think about this one yet. But what I do know is that our war of eternally compassionate and brutally sympathetic attrition with the bitter, hard-boiled Glossynews dogmatists and ideological fanatics will be fought with… um, Syrian cooking pots.”

You know who said that? Yes, that’s right.

No, not Assad, he’s kind of our second-best frenemy right now. I mean, it’s getting to the point where he needs us more than we need him. Unacceptable.

But kinda acceptable too.

Ah…. sorry, this is just how my mind works…

Or is it?

Well, anyhoo… well, no, not that Indian guy. No, not Einstein either. Someone a bit closer to home. A great man of peace.

Nobody? Sigh… Thought it was pretty obvious who is the Great Emancipator and Man of Eternal Pacific Justice in our time.

Anyway… I’ve told you what’s what, and who our enemies are for the time being…

Until we decide (or at least do not decide) otherwise, in light of the purely value free and objective given constraints and opportunities.

You know, I really hate these guys. Just ‘cos.

Well, that’s enough, right?

Well, maybe.

Still, the other side of this dilemma, which is equally important, and of equal strategic importance, is that Glossynews is an eternally radiant beacon of Voltairean irony and satire, carrying the eternal flame of Paine and Jefferson across all the boundless, blooming spaces of the information superhighway…

The sole and sufficient hope in which all meagre, starved, and sore athirst seekers of comedy may put their trust; and ever abide in the tender bower of humour, the greatest gift among gods and people.

No, shut up Newt, you tinpot boner… uh, Boehner.

No, don’t worry, that was technically a malapropism, not a flip-flop as such.

Well, I guess it depends on how you look at it.

Nope! Sorry! You’re not having that one. No woolly compromises.

This time.

No, no, no! This time, it’s gotta be one or the other.

But still…

I was… let’s say, I was in agreement with half of what Kerry said.


Work it out for yourself ;)

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