Author: jeff boldt
Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control
Don’t worry everybody–world-wide* acclaimed blogger and self-published publisher/self-editor/self-writer/self-artist, Mark Krotzchety (pronounced “Krotzchety”), wants you to know that he’s finally got his nagging compulsions under control. Apparently, he’s organized everything into a master calendar.
Dead Pigs in River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Chinese Officials Say
SHANGHAI–Chinese officials have released an official statement today on the reason behind the almost 3,000 porcine carcasses found floating in the Huangpu river. The well-timed statement has successfully lifted the fog of mystery surrounding this formerly intriguing incident and, at…
Kim Jong Un Releases New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments
PYONGYANG—Recently, Iron E-News was given the rare chance to attend a very special and exclusive book signing in an exotic, distant, and oft misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK. Kim Jong Un, the son of…
Macfarlane Kills Puppy, Steals Grandmother’s Purse after Oscars
Seth Macfarlane, made famous by his comedic take on the American family through a show called The Family Guy, has gone from fame to infamy almost overnight. As recent host of Hollywood’s paramount night, the Academy Awards, Macfarlane made enemies…
Top Ten Oscar Moments of 2013
Well, the Oscars have come and gone and left us all waiting breathlessly (with questions) till next year. Questions like: Who is going to fall? Who is going to kiss? Who is going to get snubbed? Will the snubs get…
Aliens Discover “Satire” through Articles on Obama–Mistake it for Hero Worship
Five thousand years into the future, an intelligent extra-terrestrial species called The Collective uncovered a solitary data storage chip amongst the rubble once known as Earth and took it back to their ship for examination. Though initially puzzled by the…
How to Train Navy SEALS as a Stay-at-Home Parent
AUSTIN, TX—Are you a stay-at-home mom or dad? Do you have dreams of entering an elite division of the military like the U.S. Navy SEALS or the Green Berets but feel like you just don’t have the time to prepare?…
Iran Cold War w/ Hello Kitty Heats Up, Doll Beats Ahmedinejad into Space
The bitter, age-old conflict between two great super powers, the government of Iran and the government of cuteness (Hello Kitty), reached its zenith ten days ago as the beloved but brave little doll successfully made its way into the history…
Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Extremely Reliable, News Sources Say
According to a contact of ours that has a very, very close acquaintance that knows people who are “in the know”, those particular people always know what they’re talking about when they talk about things heard from actual friends of…
Evolution Wins Prestigious Overachievement Award
Last week, the Humboldt Overachiever Award for Science and the Humanities was given to none other than The Theory of Evolution—and Dr. Richard Dawkins was there to receive the prize in its stead. “In the face of impossible odds,” Dr….