Residents of Heaven Complain about Lack of Freedom

Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom.

Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all times and to sing hymns for the community’s dictatorial administrator. That’s not the worst of it though – residents are not allowed to leave the premises… ever!

“I have to stay here until I’m dead,” a resident called Bob, informed us. “At least death will be a relief!”

“Why did you move there in the first place?” we asked Bob.

“Their advertising was great. This community was supposed to be such a wonderful place where we would enjoy great happiness for the rest of our life. Besides, they fooled us into believing the alternative would be hellish in comparison.”

Bob went on to say. “It’s a deed restricted community and before we were allowed to enter, the administrator checked a big book in which were inscribed the names of all those people who had no criminal record and who had donated an acceptable amount to accepted charities during their lifespan. Only those people whose names are in the book are allowed to live here. We were all like, well this seems like a good place to be, with all these good honest people. We couldn’t have been more wrong! Basically, Heaven has fooled good, honest people into joining, and then they torture them, is pretty much what I see.”

Another resident verified Bob’s assertions. “The administrator forces us to sing hymns for a minimum of three hours every day. I would give anything to hear a Lady Gaga song again, and to just plain rock out to it for a bit.”

“They force us to wear white robes at all times,” said Sara who had previously been an artist. “They have totally destroyed our creativity! Also, there’s absolutely no privacy – the administrator has cameras everywhere and sees everything that we do.”

“I would give the left ventricle of my heart for a chance to go shopping again,” said one lady who had previously given the shirt off her back for a Mountain Dew and had recently exchanged an arm and a leg for beef pot roast. “I feel so bad for trying to convince my friends to move here before I had even seen the place.”

Residents are petitioning the governor of California to put an end to Heaven once and for all. They say the place needs to be shut down and the administrator imprisoned. The only problem is that nobody knows exactly where it is. The administrator is an extremely secretive person, preferring to hide all the time, and the residents were unconscious at the time they were brought in.

The governor’s office is keeping an eye out for the administrator’s minions who are spotted once in a while flying around town. If you see a person dressed completely in white or appearing to fade in and out of existence, please call the governor’s office immediately.

Author: Leon Hostetler

Mocking the obviously ridiculous that is ludicrously overlooked. For more stories by Leon Hostetler, please visit his satire website.

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