Denizens of the universe have apparently discovered a favorite new sport. Called “Random Pointlessness”, or RP for short, this sport involves a fair amount of hard work and sweat, but nothing remotely resembling intelligence.
Random Pointlessness was invented in Pennsylvania where it quickly surpassed football as the most boring thing to watch on television. Inevitably, RP’s unmatched lack of purpose caused it to quickly become the dominant staple of American entertainment.
Usually, we don’t care enough to know what the general public has gotten itself into this time, but we’re starting to get rather tired of all those damn Facebook posts; “Hey did you see that game?” or “Who’s your team?” or “So and So are so going to be in the Ratherlargeconcavecontainer!” Being intellectually oriented, we don’t know or care about sports so we had to ask around to figure out what the fuss it’s all about.
A redneck down at the bar was quick to help us out.
“The NRPL, or National Random Pointlessness League for you ignorant folk, is filled with many teams of competitors. Once a week, they have an ‘event’ in which two of these teams compete. The winning team goes forward to another event and the losing team is kicked out for the season. It’s sort of a tournament, you see,” the bibulous proletariat informed us.
“But what’s the game?” we asked.
“Well, both competing teams sit in a room and a referee assigns one team the number one and the other team, the number two. When both teams are ready, the referee presses the button on the random number generator which randomly spits out a one or a two. The team with the matching number – wins.”
“But… but.” We blustered. “What’s the point?” Unfortunately, our source of information had just passed out. We decided to visit a local sports bar where people supposedly gather to watch this kind of useless crap on a regular basis.
By the time we arrived, the game was in full swing; both RP teams were grimacing at each other and making apelike motions in an attempt to intimidate the opposing team. There was an air of anticipation in the sports bar as all eyes were trained on the television screens. The referee was reaching for the button. In the sports bar there was tense anticipation – beads of sweat were forming as the observers exerted all their powers of telekinesis and remote yelling in a futile attempt to influence the outcome.
After the game, half the people in the room were pissed off and the other half were jubilant. A lot of alcohol was consumed and some shit was said. Eventually a fight even broke out. We’re still not clear on what exactly the connection is between the distant game and the drastic effect on the quality of life of these people. We can only surmise that it is an unfortunate result of their incredibly boring lives.
On the way home, we met a depressed athlete who gets paid to kick around a lump of dead pigskin. “It seems people have found something worthwhile to do,” he said, “They’ve sure stopped watching football.”
Not all of them. We found one;
“I’m a fairly useless person,” admitted the football fan. “I would rather spend hours watching other people run around on a field than to contribute to society in some meaningful way.” When asked if he would give up football to watch Random Pointlessness instead, he didn’t answer. Apparently the Steelers had achieved something momentous in their struggle against the Colts. If only scientists or philosophers would ever achieve anything momentous – anything worth getting excited about…