New York City – Publishing giant Simon & Schuster, desperate to find a way to turn a profit on Hillary Clinton’s new book “Hard Choices”, has come out with other possible uses for the book.
The company hopes to entice some who don’t intend to read the book to purchase it anyway.
The marketing campaign the publisher has launched suggests using the book for anything from a weapon to toilet paper.
The company royally screwed themselves by giving Clinton a hefty deal on the book while failing to realize that most Americans are tired of the former first lady and simply don’t like her.
“We really miscalculated on this one,” a S & S marketing rep admitted. “We’re going to have to eat millions of dollars on this one unless we can convince people to buy the book for reasons other than reading.”
The rep continued, “You would think that as famous as Mrs. Clinton is around the world we wouldn’t even have to spend the money on a traditional book tour that would find her signing autographs in Costco, for God’s sake. I guess that ‘Clinton Fatigue’ myth I’ve heard of must be true after all.”
The publisher is recommending the book be used as door stops, bird cage liners, fireplace kindling, origami, a step for aerobics workouts, booster seats for kids, coasters, and gag gifts.
Additional ideas include shredding the pages to use for cat litter, mulch, or packing material. For small canoes or boats, several books can be tied together and used as an anchor.
To appeal to the NRA crowd, the publisher is also suggesting the books make a great substitute for clay pigeons for target practice.
Due to the fact that most of these alternative uses can be accomplished with other items at a much lower cost than the book, the publisher will soon be slashing the price on its remaining inventory by 90%.
For consumers, deciding whether to purchase Hillary’s book for toilet paper or to shred for the litter box will soon be one of life’s “Hard Choices.”