Barack Obama has reportedly done a complete about face. Having encountered widespread criticism for the tough stance he took in his post-electoral press conference, the President has decided to take a more conciliatory approach with his Republican opponents.
“I’m really sorry about last Wednesday,” said Obama.
“The fact of the matter is I inadvertently switched speech texts and mistakenly brought along part of one about dealing with terrorists to the press conference.”
Many political commentators were surprised at the hard line adopted by the President in his press conference, particularly his promise to fix immigration whether the Republicans did anything or not. Given the admitted mix-up in speech texts, it all now makes sense.
“We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” said Obama. “And that’s what I said last week and that’s what I meant. I just didn’t mean to imply that the Republicans are terrorists. Wrong speech; my bad.”
“If I had brought the correct speech with me,” Obama continued. “You would have heard something completely different. I would have said that we don’t negotiate with political extremists. As you can see, that’s not the same at all.”
Obama also took responsibility for attacking the Republicans as fundamentalists bent on destroying all that is great about America. Again, the fault seemed to lie in his having grabbed the wrong text.
“It was just plain wrong to say that,” said Obama. “Those are words that should be reserved for America’s Islamist radical enemies overseas. It was unfortunate that they were mistakenly applied to Republican congresspersons.”
“You’ll have to trust me on this,” continued Obama. “But the correct speech was not inflammatory and was, in fact, downright conciliatory. As I recall, the correct speech simply said that the Republicans were narrow-minded ideologues who were intellectually bankrupt and devoted to dismantling all those things that make America great. Clearly, not the same kind of heated rhetoric found in my anti-terrorist speech.”
Working from the incorrect text, Obama also lambasted his opponents as being against everything Americans hold dear. He lashed out at anti-democratic fanatics who seek to destroy all we cherish.
“My apologies to the Republicans,” said Obama. “That’s not what I intended to say at all. A quick check of the speech I was supposed to make will show you that I wanted to reach across the aisle and work with those Republicans who are reasonable and that the rest of them who are bent on destroying Obamacare should be attacked by Ebola-infected ISIL terrorists.”
Asked to comment on the conciliatory peace offering from the President, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner said they accept his gracious apology and are prepared to cooperate fully with him any time after January 20, 2017.