Author: Benjamin Cain
Americans Debate Whether they Get Stuff Done
Dateline: WASHINGTON—Politicians rallied on Get Stuff Done Day, to reassure the American people that their government is in working order. Many boasted of their accomplishments while in office, describing in great detail the stuff in question.
Wealthy Man Replaces his Sexist & Racist Thoughts with Clones to Silence Critics
Dateline: NEW YORK–Tired of being accused of having stereotypical ideas of women and racial minorities, the gazillionaire Roderick Billington set about spending his vast fortune to perfect his conceptions. “I realized the essence of the problem early on,” he said….
Study shows Men Secretly Resent Women’s Phatness
Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort…
Millionaire Tricks CNN into Stopping its Coverage of Missing Malaysian Plane
Dateline: ATLANTA—Elderly oddball millionaire, Huey Longbottom, shuns the internet and receives all of his news from CNN, but taking no interest in the missing Malaysian plane, which CNN has covered exhaustively for several weeks, Longbottom orchestrated several bizarre spectacles to…
Christians Buy “What Would an Iron Age Yokel do?” Bracelet
Dateline: CHARLOTTE, NC—Along with its more famous line of wristbands, emblazoned with the words, “What would Jesus do?” Dollars for Jesus, a Christian merchandise company began selling a mysterious alternative, a wristband asking its wearer, “What would an Iron Age…
Cosmos Show Embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches
Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Dozens of churches in the United States are collectively suing the producers of Cosmos, the reboot of the television show previously hosted by Carl Sagan, for “stealing the Christian shtick.” The filed complaint was obtained by the press…
Comedians Debate the Nature of Satire
Dateline: MONTREAL—Comedians gathered around an enormous round table at the World Comedy Festival to try to answer once and for all the perennial question of whether satire is supposed to be serious or funny. According to the comedian Lawrence Flappapuss,…
Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses
Dateline: WASHINGTON—On this year’s Leadership Day, leaders from around the world in governments and corporations spoke about the meaning of leadership while the millions of followers showed that they understood by sitting cross-legged in circles, holding hands, and defecating in…
Polls Show Increased Respect for Republican Shamelessness
Dateline: WASHINGTON—Polls indicate that Republicans are more respected by Americans, as a result of their complicated response to Russian President Putin’s invasion of Ukraine. Since George W. Bush’s second term, polls revealed that Americans’ respect for Republicans had plummeted. Analysts…
Canadians Urge Ukrainians to seek Peace Through Dullness!
Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring like the Canadians. Ukraine is split between ethnic Russians in the eastern…