Author: Benjamin Cain
Life Coach Recommends Obsessive, Idiosyncratic Behaviour to Earn Immortality by Word Coinage
Dateline: TORONTO—Melvin Meister’s Labour of Fame Organization, founded in 1973, has been vindicated over forty years later, as the Oxford English Dictionary added the word “smeelian” to its account of the English language, in recognition of the life’s work of…
Donald Trump, the Antichrist, is “Close Enough to Christ,” said Evangelical Leader
Dateline: LICKSKILLET, KY—Evangelical Christians are supporting President Donald Trump, because “he’s probably the Antichrist and that’s close enough,” according to evangelical leader Leon Birdbrain.
Disney Studios Rooting for the Empire in Future Star Wars Films, says Hollywood insider
Dateline: BURBANK—Disney Studios is rooting for the Empire to defeat the rebels in its upcoming Star Wars films, according to Hollywood insider Wily Hangeron. (Be warned that spoilers for The Last Jedi follow.)
Doctors are Heroic for facing Blood and Guts without Puking, says Surgeon
Dateline: WHYNOT, NC—Surgeons are responding to the criticism that they’re vain and overpaid, by asking the critics to imagine what it’s like being elbow-deep in blood and guts.
Woman sues Women Studies Feminists for preventing her from Sleeping her way to the Top
Dateline: NY CITY—Miss Marylou Ditsy is suing Women Studies departments in colleges across the United States, for creating an atmosphere of political correctness that she alleges has prevented her from sleeping her way to the top.
Hollywood’s Schlocky Movies are Payback for China’s Shoddy Merchandise, says Industry Insider
Dateline: HOLLYWOOD—The American movie industry has been releasing the simplest, dumbest possible movies for overseas markets, especially in China, to pay back the Chinese for flooding the American market with shoddy merchandise, according to Hollywood insider, Wily Hangeron.
Hollywood Reboots itself, Giving Creative Class over Movie Executives and Producers
Dateline: HOLLYWOOD—After having rebooted all of its hit movies from past decades, Hollywood has finally gotten around to rebooting itself. The schedule for the reboots consists of a long actual list for of movies to be remade for foreign and…
Sexual Battle Lines drawn between Toxically Masculine Trolls & Devious Lesbian Feminists, Argues Social Scientist
Dateline: WHYNOT, NC—Hermann Gunzenhauser, a social scientist at True Dat University, has published a paper extrapolating the long-term effects of the proliferating allegations of sexual harassment and molestation in the entertainment industry and in government, business, and all other social…
Mainstream News Anchor Proves he Understands Trump’s Presidency by Repeatedly Punching Himself in Face
Dateline: ATLANTA—A newly hired news anchor at CNN, Guy Hoogetsit, has criticized his colleagues at the cable news station for failing to understand the point of Donald Trump’s election, and maintains that the only way for members of the corporate…
Deaf Inventor of Leaf Blower Unveils new Noisy Devices
Dateline: PITTSBURGH—Manny Hornblower, the deaf inventor of the leaf blower, has unveiled a series of new inventions, including the gas-powered page-turner, the motorized tea bag dipper, and the jet-fuelled food-chewing aid. The gas-powered leaf blower is popular with landscaping companies…