Dateline: ATLANTA—A newly hired news anchor at CNN, Guy Hoogetsit, has criticized his colleagues at the cable news station for failing to understand the point of Donald Trump’s election, and maintains that the only way for members of the corporate media to properly report on President Trump is to simultaneously hit themselves repeatedly in the face.
Mr. Hoogetsit was hired by CNN because of the millions of followers of his YouTube videos in which he railed against what he called “mainstream, neoliberal media” for failing to understand the significance of Trump’s presidency and the main reason Donald Trump was elected.
“The corporate media elites just don’t get it,” said Mr. Hoogetsit. “They keep merely stating the obvious about Trump’s scandals and unfitness for office. They go on and on about how Trump’s regime is outrageous, how his corruption is unprecedented in American politics, how his psychopathy and narcissism are terrifying and potentially apocalyptic.
“But the mainstream journalists don’t understand that that’s why he was elected, to embarrass and to punish the centrist institutions of the plutocratic American establishment.
“So you’ll hear Don Lemon or Anderson Cooper or most others on CNN or MSNBC or BBC or CBC—any self-described liberal, rational defender of the globalized establishment—these mouthpieces for the upper-middleclass white-collar professionals who’ve skated by for decades while the American blue collar workers have lost their jobs to robots or to impoverished armies of Chinese labourers—all of these serious and sober media personalities are acting like the viewer should naturally be as appalled as they are by President Trump.”
But these media elites “have insulated themselves from the deeper reality,” according to Guy Hoogetsit. The millions of Americans who voted for Trump or who support the idea of “an outsider anarchist blowing up the American establishment” approve of Trump’s “subhumanity” as a means to an end. “The insane clown president Trump is an instrument of their vengeance against the establishment that’s profited from a rigged economy, against the elites who double-crossed the American middleclass with their free trade deals that were full of lawyerly loopholes.”
These millions of radicalized American viewers don’t need to be reminded of the obvious, said Mr. Hoogetsit. “They don’t need to hear about every detail of Trump’s inadequacy as a president, as if their votes weren’t meant to send precisely such a troglodyte into the halls of power, to destroy the office of the presidency and every other American institution, because those white American masses in their opioid-induced stupor mean to take their country down with them.”
Guy Hoogetsit’s technique for reporting on President Trump’s activities is thus to punch himself hard in the face while he relays the horrendous political news of the day.
“That’s how I prove that I get it,” he said. “So I’ll say to the camera, ‘Mr. Trump backed away from his tough talk against North Korea at APEC, because he’s a man-baby who’s in way over his head, and the other world leaders know he’s all talk.’
“But then I’ll smack myself hard in the face. I’ll really lay into myself with lefts and rights. There will be uppercuts or hard bitch slaps, the kind that sting and make you cry and bleed from your nose and give you a black eye and a cut lip.
“Sometimes I’ll slam my face into the desk, go on to read Trump’s latest juvenile tweet, and then slam my face into the desk again, but harder. I’ve cracked two CNN news desks that way so far. I’ve had dozens of stiches and suffered several concussions from reading the news about President Trump, but that’s as it should be when the news is coming from a millionaire corporate news personality like me, because unlike the rest of them, I understand and accept what Trump’s presidency means for the country.”
In his interview with Kellyanne Conway, Mr. Hoogetsit startled her by taking out his baseball bat.
“Don’t worry,” he explained to her and to his viewers. “This bat isn’t for you, Kellyanne—despite your appalling cynicism and awful record of lies. It’s for me.”
“That seems excessive,” she said.
“It’s not excessive at all,” he said. “Just do your bit: ignore all my questions and recite your otherworldly talking points. And I’ll do my part as an establishment lackey, and thrash my head with this bat. That’s what the people want to see. That’s why Trump, America’s Jungian shadow, is in office.”
Weeks later, after his recovery at the hospital, his face still black and blue from the beating he gave himself during his Conway interview, Guy Hoogetsit had the honour of sitting down with President Trump himself at the White House.
“I’m a big fan of your work,” Mr. Trump told him. “Huge fan. You know your place and really appreciate what I’m doing as president.”
“Thank you, Mr. Trump. But of course, as a rational, successful, healthy, and humane individual, I’m disgusted with every millimeter of you. Would you mind terribly if at this point I make some use of this cat-o-nine-tails I happen to have with me?”
Mr. Trump waved off his secret service guards while Mr. Hoogetsit took out question cards with his one hand and a cruel, multi-tail whip with the other.
“Now, then, President Trump, I understand that you’ve pulled out of the Paris Accord on climate change and out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, that you’re known around the world as a senile old laughingstock, that you’re much more ridiculous than George W. Bush, that you have no idea what the hell you’re doing and have no business leading an advanced country.
“But that’s the point, isn’t it?” Mr. Hoogetsit whipped his own back. “That’s the point,” he said again, warming to the mantra and again lashing himself with the whip.
Noticing that Mr. Trump didn’t know how to respond, the news anchor reassured him. “Sorry, Mr. President. Just say whatever third-grade level nonsense pops into your deranged head. I’m busy at the moment proving that I understand the point of you.”
And Mr. Hoogetsit continued to thrash his back with the whip throughout the otherwise meaningless interview until his suit jacket was torn, revealing his bleeding back.
At the end they shook hands while Mr. Hoogetsit said, “Thank you for your clumsy lies and for your creepy solipsism, Mr. President.” With his other hand, Mr. Hoogetsit punched himself in the face.
“You dripped blood on the floor,” said President Trump.
“I’ll take care of that right away—as long as the cameras are still rolling so the viewers can see how mainstream American political journalism should work these days.” Mr. Hoogetsit got on his hands and knees and licked his blood off the floor.
“Can I have that whip?” asked the president, taking the cat-o-nine-tails. “That looks fun.” The president proceeded to destroy the stately room of the White House, shattering vases and windows, slicing paintings, and overturning furniture.
By Brandon Grasley (Facepalm) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons