Posted in Society

Sexual Battle Lines drawn between Toxically Masculine Trolls & Devious Lesbian Feminists, Argues Social Scientist

Dateline: WHYNOT, NC—Hermann Gunzenhauser, a social scientist at True Dat University, has published a paper extrapolating the long-term effects of the proliferating allegations of sexual harassment and molestation in the entertainment industry and in government, business, and all other social…

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Posted in Politics

Mainstream News Anchor Proves he Understands Trump’s Presidency by Repeatedly Punching Himself in Face

Dateline: ATLANTA—A newly hired news anchor at CNN, Guy Hoogetsit, has criticized his colleagues at the cable news station for failing to understand the point of Donald Trump’s election, and maintains that the only way for members of the corporate…

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Posted in Technology

Deaf Inventor of Leaf Blower Unveils new Noisy Devices

Dateline: PITTSBURGH—Manny Hornblower, the deaf inventor of the leaf blower, has unveiled a series of new inventions, including the gas-powered page-turner, the motorized tea bag dipper, and the jet-fuelled food-chewing aid. The gas-powered leaf blower is popular with landscaping companies…

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Posted in Politics

News Channel Treats Politics as Theater

Dateline: NY CITY—Under the auspices of Europe’s Postmodern Media Group, American entrepreneur Roy Havalaff is launching a cable political news channel that will assume no politician is capable of honesty.

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Posted in Society

Man Mocked for Alleging his Female Boss Sexually Assaulted Him

Dateline: NY CITY—Software engineer Timmy Whatawuss alleged on social media that he was sexually assaulted by his female employer, Olga Pololga, and has been met with laughter from all quarters.

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Posted in Entertainment

Footnote added to the Hollywood Sign, reminding Starlets to “Expect to be Molested”

Dateline: HOLLYWOOD, 2019—Movie producer Danny Fishman lamented that sometime during the 1960s, a footnote to the Hollywood Sign was removed, since that footnote used to warn prospective starlets that they should expect to be sexually molested as payment for receiving…

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Posted in Society

China Officially Adopts Infantilized America in 2047

Dateline: PLAYGROUND 307, Year 2051—The eight hundred remaining adults in the United States are increasingly asking how the Age of Reason become the Age of Babies.

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Posted in Serious Commentary

Bounties of Liberty

I was sleeping on an airport bench and was rudely awoken by a wall-mounted television screen playing a CNN interview with an American politician. I had to scramble to avoid being infected by the politico’s anticommunication and hit my head…

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Posted in Religionism

World’s Religious Leaders Pray for President Trump’s Comeuppance, to Restore God’s Good Name

Dateline: CALCUTTA—Religious leaders all over the world are praying for Donald Trump’s comeuppance.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Jimmy Fallon Slobbers on Guests while Serial Killer Stabs his Audience to Death

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—Jimmy Fallon, host of The Tonight Show, played softball with his guests while a serial killer crept through the studio, killing the members of the live audience one by one as they applauded the antics of the…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Documentary examines Movie Star’s Reluctance to Play God

Dateline: CANNES—A behind-the-scenes documentary about the life of world-renowned actor Johnny Hazitall has perplexed viewers, as experts in the film scramble to explain how anyone worshipped by hundreds of millions of fans could be so ungrateful as to avoid the…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

Uglies on the Outskirts Scheme to Lure Beauties away from Big Cities

Dateline: TORONTO—A team of physically unappealing people based in the outskirts of large cities across North America has hatched a plot to lure the beautiful and handsome elites away from their lairs at the heart of the downtown areas. Team…

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Posted in Society

Manjaws: A Rant by Rashad the Cackler

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—The runner’s-up in this year’s American Rant Competition have been announced. Surprisingly, all of the entries were authored by a single man, named Rashad, also known as the Cackler, who is an elderly homeless man. Rashad has…

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Posted in Religionism

Evil Industries Imitates Scientology at Trial over Fraud

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—

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Posted in Politics

The Creature of American Democracy Battered & Hunted under President Trump

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—American democracy has been badly injured and is in hiding as a result of Donald Trump’s being elected president of the United States. There have since been scattered sightings of Democracy across the country. At midnight in Pasadena,…

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Posted in Politics

President Trump Murders Alt Right Conservatives, their Ghosts still Support him

Dateline: TRUMPLAND—After President Trump ordered that all of his alt right supporters be systematically murdered, their ghosts said that they still support the president. Mr. Trump tweeted that he was grateful for their continuing support.

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Posted in Politics

Consumer Protection Law Humbles American Politicians & Mass Media

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Congress passed a law mandating that large American organizations report the average of their polled approval rating in their public statements, the White House, Congress, and the mainstream media stumbled in attempting to conduct their business.

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Posted in Health Politics

Liberals Accused of Insensitivity for Mocking Mentally-Disordered President Trump

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Martha Mollycoddle, the mother of a man diagnosed as a psychopath and currently undergoing treatment in a hospital for the criminally insane, has begun a campaign to shame liberals and Democrats for mocking President Trump as a result…

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Posted in Health Politics

God Praised for Outfitting Donald Trump with Self-Destruct Button

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Thousands of Americans, who resist Donald Trump’s presidency on the grounds that he is literally a psychopath, have formed a religious group calling for praise of God for supplying the psychopath Donald Trump with a self-destruct button. The…

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Posted in Human Interest

Prophet of Doom Cheated Out of his Due Respect

Dateline: Year 2032, somewhere in the former United States—After the collapse of Western civilization in 2031, followed by the ruination of the rest of the planet, a self-proclaimed former prophet of doom has been reminding the survivors that he told…

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Posted in Human Interest

Beautiful Women Conceal Their Hotness to Attract Nice Guys

Dateline: NEW YORK—A growing number of beautiful single women curse their physical charms, fearing that worthy men aren’t attracted to them so much as intimidated and liable to defecate in their pants before even thinking of approaching them. Dailywellnesspro has…

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Posted in Strange People Television

Club Punishes Talk Show Audiences for Drowning out Guests with Lingering Applause

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Investigators have uncovered a club devoted to shaming audience members of American talk shows whose clapping and other loud reactions to the guests’ remarks often drown out what the guests are saying, wasting the time of the viewers…

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Posted in Politics Television

News Media Confuse Viewers by Speaking as if all Oligarchs are Russian

Dateline: TENNESSEE—American corporate news media baffle viewers by presupposing that all oligarchs are Russian citizens. “You never hear CNN speak of American oligarchs,” said news media watcher Alonzo Plompus. “For some unknown reason, whenever you hear about oligarchs on cable…

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Posted in Politics

President Trump Attended Secret Workshops to Learn How to Lie like a Politician

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Leaders in both the Democratic and Republican parties have been holding secret workshops with President Trump to teach him how to lie well.

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Posted in Society

A Cocktail of Journalistic Insights

Dateline: NEW YORK—Make no mistake, journalists drilled down and told a cautionary tale of the bombshell that landed on a dumpster fire in the middle of a firestorm, after the grilling of senators who pivoted to whether they’d reached a…

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