Dateline: LICK SKILLET, TN—Democrats should be grateful for Donald Trump’s presidency, because his smorgasbord of scandals and villainies could theoretically enable them to get away with murder for centuries to come, according to Professor Marco Snodgrass, political pseudoscientist as the Machiavellian Institute, in Tennessee.
“For every Democratic embarrassment or crime,” said the professor, “Trump is guilty of a hundred much more egregious ones, so the ratio is a hundred to one. For every Democratic lie or sex scandal or dereliction, Trump has done a hundred times worse.
“But the hidden beauty of this for Democrats is that nearly the entire Republican Party has stood behind their president, shielding him from responsibility for his conduct as much as they could, such as with the bogus House investigation of the Russia connections to his campaign or by not being proactive and bringing impeachment proceedings.”
What this means, according to the professor, is that should the Democrats stumble in the future, such as by getting caught in a big lie, they can “immunize themselves from any political fallout” merely by reminding the public that Trump got away with much worse.
“‘Okay, so I lied just now,’ a Democratic politician might say to the American people. ‘You caught me red-handed. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll just go ahead and move to Trumpify the situation, by pointing out that Republicans were fine with Trump’s lies which spattered the nation like water drops from a hurricane. So you can forget my lie.’”
According to the professor’s calculations, the silver lining of the superhuman scale of President Trump’s boorishness and venality is that the President and the Republicans have effectively provided the Democrats with thousands of get-out-of-jail-free cards, which should insulate the Democrats from culpability for their scandals until the year 2246, although Trump’s scandals are ongoing, which pushes that expiration of Democratic immunity ever further into the distant future.
According to Professor Snodgrass, this immunity applies also to anyone castigated by American Evangelicals who likewise squandered their moral authority by supporting the anti-Christian President Trump.
If an Evangelical Christian wants to condescend to someone having an abortion, for example, “the liberal is free to select one of her thousands of get-out-of-jail-free cards to silence that phony arbiter of moral judgment.”
The professor conceded that most elected Republicans don’t personally approve of Mr. Trump’s behaviour, but are only putting up with it to pass their big-business agenda.
“Trump is their useful idiot, to use Stalin’s phrase,” said Professor Snodgrass. “Still, the amorality that party is displaying by thinking only instrumentally about Trump, instead of ousting him from office in a peak of righteous indignation on behalf of God and country, is itself a failing which enters into the moral asymmetry between the two parties.”
By putting their “biased and destructive” economic policies ahead of the damage the president has done to the nation, the Republicans effectively sided with Donald Trump, which means they too must “answer for Trump’s many, many, many failings.”
However, Professor Snodgrass is quick to point out that his calculations are only theoretical, that “just because the Democrats have thousands of get-out-of-jail-free cards doesn’t mean they’ll use even a single one of them.”
According to the professor, the Democrats are “wusses and suckers, the lot of them,” so Americans can expect “what passes for America’s major liberal party” to surrender their political advantage that President Trump has inadvertently handed them.
“The Democrats actually have a moral obligation to destroy the Republican Party,” said the professor, “just as a doctor ought to lance a boil or terminate cancer cells. When a party has become so corrupt and one-sided that it finds itself gerrymandering, double-dealing on behalf of American plutocrats, and making excuses for an abomination like Trump’s presidency, it’s time for that party to start over.
“Republicans are too nefarious to do so, of course, so it should be up to the Democrats to finish them off. But Democrats could never do that, because their party has been feminized, along with much of America’s liberal secular culture. Democrats insist on ‘going high when the Republicans go low,’ as Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton said—which is a sentiment for suckers and sissies.
“Not even Jesus Christ is going to take the high road when it comes to dealing with Satan, according to Christianity. Jesus is going to hurl Satan into the pit of hell for eternity. But Democrats think they’re acting all statesmanlike, preserving ‘national unity’ or some such nonsense, by protecting Republicans rather like how Republicans protected Trump.
“That’s like a doctor telling a cancer-ridden patient he can’t operate, because he’s got to respect nature’s right to destroy the patient’s body. When you’re dealing with evil, it’s best not to search for diplomatic compromises. As Churchill says in The Darkest Hour, you can’t reason with a tiger when your head is in its mouth.”
Before they decide to use their gift of political immunity, Democrats must therefore “search their souls” and decide whether the Republican Party is currently legitimate or literally evil. “Their most heroic course might be to play each of those immunity cards, one after another for a couple of centuries, while shaming and ostracizing the Republicans’ for their allegiance with Donald Trump, until the Republican brand is dead.
“Alas, heroism happens only in fairytales.”
By Mark Strozier () [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons