Author: Benjamin Cain
Researchers Discover why Republicans are Evil and Democrats are Cowards
Dateline: MIT—With the election of Donald Trump as president, Republicans have chosen to wear their evil on their sleeves, although the GOP’s social Darwinism, warmongering and shameless, hypocritical idolatry have been palpable since Ronald Reagan created his bizarre coalition of…
G7 Leaders Remind President Trump How American Economic Imperialism Works
Dateline: CHARLEVOIX, QUEBEC—President Trump’s imposing of tariffs against America’s allies, Canada, Mexico, and the EU, has put these allies in the awkward position of having to remind Mr. Trump that the international system of economic regulations was put in place…
God Condemns Conservative Bullies for Opining on Comedy
Dateline: D.C.—Conservatives condemned Michelle Wolf’s comedic speech at the 2018 White House Press correspondents’ dinner, until God reminded them they have no sense of humour because they’re bullies.
CNN Replaces Serious Commentary on Trump’s Presidency, with Constant Laughter
Dateline: ATLANTA—CNN has dramatically altered its strategy in covering the Donald Trump White House, having first milked Mr. Trump’s scandals for ratings in the 2016 campaign and then attempted to provide serious, fact-based analysis of the first two years of…
Last Remaining Author Paid by Parakeet
Dateline: Cubicle District 64, Year 2028—Mystifying tens of millions of authors, Horatio Masterson is the only remaining writer who is still somehow being paid for his work, and in this exclusive report, we reveal the secret of his success.
Open Letter to President Trump, From the Entertainment Industry
With all due respect to the outcome of the 2016 presidential campaign, to those who voted for Donald Trump, and to the policies and performance of the Trump administration…
Computer Program Translates Ordinary English into Shakespearean Verse
Dateline: CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of computer programmers at MIT, led by Wallace Thickglasses, has completed its Shakespearean Translator, which converts plain English into Shakespearean verse. The translator has received rave reviews from Shakespeare scholars.
President Trump’s Audacity Awarded Democrats Political Immunity for Two Centuries, said Political Pseudoscientist
Dateline: LICK SKILLET, TN—Democrats should be grateful for Donald Trump’s presidency, because his smorgasbord of scandals and villainies could theoretically enable them to get away with murder for centuries to come, according to Professor Marco Snodgrass, political pseudoscientist as the…
Will Trump’s Presidency be Worse than 9/11?
This is a short movie I made about whether Trump’s presidency will end up being more traumatic for Americans than was 9/11. It’s meant as serious commentary, but the video includes what I hope are some amusing moments.
American Parents Love Guns More than Their Children, Study Shows
Dateline: KALAMAZOO—In the wake of the school shooting in Florida, in which a young male killed 17 of his former fellow students, a team of researchers at the Technocracy Institute in Michigan explains the impossibility of sensible gun regulation in…