Tag Archive | "NRA"

Sole Survivor of a Flurry of Mass Shootings Opposes Firearms Regulation


Even as the rate of all other gun-related crimes had been decreasing in the United States for decades, the rate of mass shootings had steadily increased as gun show loopholes were found to circumvent bans on assault rifles, mental health centers were defunded by the government, and the NRA captured both political parties. Experts on television declared that the solution to massacres in movie theaters was to add more guns to theaters; to slaughters in malls, it was to add more guns to malls; and to school shootings, it was to add more guns to schools. Soon enough, the United States was overflowing with guns.

And Americans were angry, very angry, because their political system was corrupt and unresponsive to the plight of the middle class and the poor. Both parties had catered to the wealthy business elites in exchange for their campaign contributions and for cushy jobs in the private sector. The combination of mass resentment and rage together with millions upon millions of state-of-the-art firearms boded ill for the nation’s survival.

In 2017, Texas alone sustained 362 mass shootings. The survivors fled the state, leaving it barren, but there was no escape. New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and all the other southern states erupted in gunfire as the mentally deranged, the marginalized, and the dispossessed as well as the jihadist terrorists vented their frustrations by spraying bullets in crowded places. Militarized police forces were deployed and demonized by fear-mongering right-wingers who awaited the prophesied End of Days. Militias went to war against the police, eventually leaving the southern states desolate and bereft of human inhabitants.

Liberal lawmakers took the loss of the southern half of their country as an opportunity to push for mild gun control laws, but they were ousted from office by NRA-backed candidates who merely had to call the liberals “communists” to win popular support even as the voters were cut down by hooligans’ gunfire soon after they left the U.S. Capitol.

Again, the survivors fled to the north, but the northerners found they had to arm themselves or be shot to pieces by the traumatized southerners. Through 2019 the mass shootings continued and looked increasingly like a civil war.

In 2020, the U.S. population dropped to around 100,000 proud, patriotic Americans.

Before the government fell, Congress again debated whether to regulate the shrunken gun industry that was still pumping out firearms and selling them to the beleaguered remnants of American civilization. Congress decided against halting the nation’s impending collapse, insisting that the Founders had been rabid anarchists who intended for the country to resemble not fattened, spoiled Middle America but something like the Wild West which was truly the land of the free and the home of the brave.

As one Republican representative said, “The Founding Fathers upheld everyone’s right to bear arms for the purpose of stocking a militia. A militia has to be powerful enough to take down the government if the government should fail to uphold the law. Therefore, every American citizen has the right to carry even weapons of mass destruction to keep the government in check.”

Cosmopolitan Americans from abroad rushed home to attempt to salvage their nation, but were cut down by gunfire soon after they stepped off the tarmac.

Canada and Mexico, too, moved into American territory and were promptly blasted en masse by Americans boasting the latest in military hardware. Thereafter, foreigners kept their distance.

When survivors in Montana realized that the government had neglected in their last firearms bill to allow for the sale of newly-designed magazines capable of carrying 400 rounds of ammunition, they nuked Washington D.C., rendering the country lawless.

In 2021, after a series of further mass shootings, there were only twelve Americans left alive. Six of the survivors engaged in a Mexican standoff over a dispute about who spilled beer on the shoe of whom. All six pulled their triggers and died in a hail of bullets.

The remaining five Americans deemed it wise to spread themselves out across the land to keep alive the American Dream. One, however, Howard Derringer, was mentally ill and hunted down the others, executing them with an assortment of submachine guns until only two Americans remained: Derringer and a former bus driver named Mark McEwan.

Before Derringer could locate and shoot McEwan, Derringer succumbed to an unknown ailment in 2023.

Mark McEwan was the sole survivor of American freedom. A peaceable man, McEwan allowed foreigners to observe his actions without launching a crazed assault on them.

He spent the bulk of his time agonizing over whether to impose restrictions on the use of firearms. One day, standing before a mirror, he gave a speech to himself.

“I speak to you today as president of this great nation,” he said, “having just voted for myself last week. I speak to you also as someone who is terribly thirsty. There’s no water for miles. Aside from that, I feel it’s incumbent on me to take up the issue of arms control. There’s no NRA anymore, so passing a ban on assault rifles would be feasible. I could throw all the long guns I see into a river.

“But as the last American, I also feel I have a duty to honour the American spirit. For that reason, I’ve decided not to control the use of firearms. Instead, I’ll shoot this sonuvabitch, blowing my brains out with a Colt M4 carbine. Let the blessed guns inherit the earth.”

With the loss of Mark McEwan and of the United States, China became the world’s largest gun manufacturer. In 2025, China annexed what had hitherto been the American heartland, honouring those previous generations of brave American souls who had eked out a living under the constant threat of being shot like a Third World dog in the streets, by turning that territory into a giant gun manufacturing facility.

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Posted in Crime, War ZoneComments (12)

The NRA Changes Its Name To ‘Jihadist Rifle Association’ Because That is Where The Money Is Now.


The National Rifle Association, smelling a chance to increase its profits and its membership, has decided to follow the money and change their name to ‘Jihadist Rifle Association’ instead.

The NRA, long a secret backer of any American tragedy that results in opulent amounts of carnage and bloodshed which stimulates greater gun sales, has finally realized that the real profits are in supplying guns to the Muslim extremists who seem to be gaining in popularity and influence not only in the Middle East but throughout the world.

Scores of U.S., European, African and Asiatic individuals are running to Syria to join ISIS which has become the Mecca for those seeking a little excitement and purpose in life and to piss off their parents. Now after the Paris and San Bernardino attacks the ISIS brand seems to be the biggest gun market in the world. Read the full story

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NRA Starts Big Push To Get Guns Into The Hands Of As Many Wackos As Possible


Realizing statistically that whenever there is a gun related mass murder by a mentally ill individual or group that gun sales go up out of fear that they will be outlawed.

Because of this gun manufacturers have started pushing the NRA to get more guns into the hands of as many psychopaths as possible.

A secret email has been acquired by a hacker and turned over to Washington newspapers who in turn exposed it to the reading public. Read the full story

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Certain ‘Forces’ Send In THE CHENEY To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.


Eager to take over the U.S. government as swiftly as possible after winning major seats in the Senate and Legislature, ‘certain forces’ within our system have called on a specialist to rid the organization of its ‘lame duck’ elements.

Operating in secrecy, these individuals called in their ace in the sleeve for when things need to get messy- THE CHENEY. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, Strange PeopleComments (4)

NRA Demands US Government Outlaw Drones Despite 2nd Amendment


In a strange reversal of policy the NRA has demanded that the U.S. make a ban on drones very much like the ban on guns that they have so heatedly fought against in the past.

Speaking at a press conference NRA Fuhrer Wayne LaPierre has vehemently asserted that “Drones are dangerous! They are potential weapons of mass destruction! They should not be allowed in the wrong hands!” Read the full story

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NRA Buys Chinese Knife Companies To Corner Mass Murder Market In Mainland China


The NRA, in a startling move, has bought up several mainland Chinese knife firms to encourage their nationals use of guns rather than knives.

China has recently suffered a number of knife attacks at train stations and other public places that have been horrific in nature and resulted in terrible injuries and deaths.

Some of the attacks perpetrated by deranged individuals have been on school children and people merely waiting for a train. On one occasion members of a Muslim separatist group attacked people at a remote railway station resulting in several deaths. Read the full story

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Posted in World NewsComments (3)

NRA Succeeds In Taking Over U.S.- Bans All Amendments Except Second


The NRA has at last accomplished their goal of taking over the government of what was once was the United States of America.

Initiating a ploy that they were rebels against an unfair, repressive political entity, they succeeding in hiding their real intent until it was too late to stop them.

RIGHT: Regulate this, bitches! (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

They had all the guns; the government had only pompous, meaningless words.

The new President for life, Wayne LaPierre, immediately changed his title upon taking office to “The Czar” and declared amnesty for all those in prison for carrying concealed guns or for possessing what was once deemed inappropriate weaponry.

In the same breath he had his legions of henchmen arrest and put before a firing squad anyone who was known to campaign for gun control or to have protested against any war anywhere in the world. Head Henchman Chief Executioner Ted Nugent was heard to say “Yee-haw! Lets have some target practice on these know-it-all pussies right here and now! Beats shooting clay pigeons any day!”

In the hours after LaPierre’s takeover he and his top subordinates engaged in an hours long meeting that convened with them making the announcement that all Constitutional amendments save the second (“the Right to Bear Arms.”) would be banned. The decisions on it went like this:

“Amendment I.- We repeal the right of free speech. We will tell you what to think and do from here on out- or else!
We repeal the right to religion. God and Christ is good enough for us and should be good enough for everyone else too. If you don’t agree we will shoot you in the name of our Lord.
We have the right of assembly. Anyone else should just stay at home with their doors locked.
IV.- In the future the property of NRA members cannot be searched or seized, but we will reserve the right to do such at any other residence we so wish to.
V.- All Individuals accused of a crime will be brought henceforth before a tribunal of NRA officials. Then shot.
VI.- All trials, speedy or otherwise, shall be abolished. Offenders of any sort will simply be shot.
VII.- Common law is now abolished. We ARE the law.
VIII.- Bail shall be set at whatever price the accused cannot afford so that we can throw them in jail and do whatever we want with them.
IX.- From now on we will decide what your rights are and aren’t.
X.- The powers delegated to the Sates are now delegated to us.

The Second Amendment will from now on be the only Amendment recognized and obeyed. And we do mean OBEYED!!!!!!!

III.-The Amendment about quartering soldiers at private homes is still under consideration as we are debating whether to station our more loyal members at the houses of those who refuse to become members. Someone needs to keep an eye on them.

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Posted in PoliticsComments (4)

In Duel With The NRA And LaPierre Obama Loses


Many believed it would be a dramatic and historic meeting between President Obama and NRA leader Wayne LaPierre when they met at a press conference in New York this afternoon.

After a long standing feud (minus guns but about guns) between the two for the entire duration of Obama’s term, the President has finally admitted defeat and will cave in to the NRA’s demands that anybody anywhere can buy and possess guns of any make at any time they so wish. Read the full story

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Harvey Weinstein to Open Fire on NRA in Upcoming Movie


Filmmaker, Harvey Weinstein announced Wednesday that he is taking on the NRA with a zeal not seen since Michael Moore’s documentary, Bowling for Columbine. Weinstein told Howard Stern that his movie won’t be a documentary, which will give him license to open both barrels on the NRA.

“No, I’m not going to get all in their face like Michael Moore,” said Weinstein. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, PoliticsComments (3)

Fifteen Things That Turned Obama’s Hair Grey


There are many factors within the fray,
that have turned our Presidents hair to grey.
Pundits, done-thats and patriots galore
seek to sabotage him evermore…

These are the things that have turned our fearless leader’s head from black to grey in only five short years:

15 – Having Military Generals whisper to him that ‘they would do a Kennedy’ on him if he so much as tried to close Guantanamo Bay. Read the full story

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Wayne LaPierre, Tormented By Fear Over Gun Deaths, Builds His Own Winchester Mansion


Wayne LaPierre, chief face for the National Rifle Association, has been secretly burdened by the fear of having helped to suppress laws that would have controlled the guns that have been ravaging American society.

Knowing that he was instrumental in the deaths and injuries of thousands of citizens across this land, LaPierre has taken up where Sarah Winchester, wife of rifle manufacturer William Winchester, left off.

Sarah Winchester, made fabulously wealthy by being married to the man who created the rifle that helped shoot up the West, allegedly felt guilty about the people whose lives were ended by bullets from her husband’s guns. She deemed that the souls of those killed hovered around and that her family was responsible for their ordeal.

A medium warned that these spirits wanted her own death even as they had taken those of her daughter and husband. To ward them off, she must move out west and build a house that would never end. To stop building on it would allow the disembodied entities to take her life. Taking the advice she moved to San Jose California where in 1884 she began the work on what was to become known as Winchester House from the ground up.

Hiring workers 24 hours a day to erect additions on to it, she had false hallways and doors leading to nowhere built to confuse the entities that wanted her blood. This went on for the remaining 38 years of her life. The famous Winchester House has since become a legend and is a major tourist attraction that draws thousands a year to visit its twisting staircases and hidden rooms.

Now LaPierre, also crippled by fear, has been building on his own home, although not on quite the same scale as Mrs. Winchester. Doing a lot of the work himself, he has injuring himself a few times and takes full advantage of Obamacare to pay his hospital bills.

Bathed in sweat, he invests fervent energy into that which is almost Biblical. “They ain’t gonna get me! They ain’t gonna get me!” is a mantra he repeats continuously. “I know that most of them are liberals and deserve to get shot, but now that they are dead they are like zombies and will stop at nothing to get me!” he says, his eyes rolling feverishly.

NRA sponsors have not been supportive of his project; in fact they are embarrassed by it. “This is the guy who is supposed to be pushing our gun agenda for us, and he is letting himself be pussified by a bunch of spooks? It is time we find someone else to get our way in the government. Does anyone know Dick Cheney’s telephone number?”

Yahhc
Graphics appear courtesy of Michael J. Carlucci.

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Posted in Strange PeopleComments (7)

Specialty Themed Haunted Houses


In the latest craze to hit the Halloween crowd horror fans are creating Haunted Houses for very specific groups. Each is tailor made to scare the bone marrow out of their target audience.

Democratic Party Horror House- Horrors of a Republican dominated government are the main theme of this scary house. Ronald Reagan, Bob Dole and Strom Thurmond disguised zombies roam the halls terrorizing the Democratic pure of heart. Read the full story

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Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade


The staff of Glossy news is busy licking their wounds today after a fierce word-lashing by a number of drive-by commentator fan(atic)s of the NRA. While a few commenters stand out in the article, the sum of their words was what really drew us to introspection.

John Woodie (we suspect this is an alias either to impress the ladies or because he works in the porn industry) laid the heavy gauge verbal ammo on the entire Glossy crew after becoming pestilently peeved by an article by alleged writer Rfreed entitled ‘Obama Let’s His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre‘.

Mr. Woodie (no relation to the ‘Toy Story’ character, who even as a toy, still knew compassion), finding the admittedly obnoxious article to severely contradict his own thoroughly thought out and scientifically studied beliefs promptly fired off eviscerating email salvos intended to shred any self worth the normally passive and sheep like Glossy staff might have.

The effects of them were devastating to the sensitive and delicate natures of the shocked Glossy caretakers.

Publisher Brian White, awakening at last at 4 PM from an meth and krokodil stupor upon his harem-sized waterbed in the $10 million dollar Glossy Penthouse atop the Chrysler Building shook off the last of his dreams of having shared the watery love platform with both a naked Miley Cyrus and Sophia Vergara.

He tied his Kimono tighter around his waste and proceeded down the circular stairs to his suede-drenched office, having to push aside the empty bottles of Citron Platinum (non-circulating) littering the landing left over from the staff meeting/orgy from that afternoon. Yes, meetings in our office more than well attended, they’re also well attended.

White had the breath knocked out of him upon reading Mr. Woodies bombast, so caustic it started to melt even the specialized megapixel scene of the super Apple on his beta iPhone7. It was so shocking even he, hardened by many years in the satire field, could only emit a muted gasp. Kind of a gulp gasp, but you get the idea.

From the other side of the office he heard a whimper. There he found his faithful apprentice, Donald Trump, (yes, the same one. This job is the real secret of him making his millions,) curled up in a fetal position behind the life-size Che Guevara statue in the corner, softly sobbing, sobbing softly, and sobbing softly like an SOB.

“I take it you read the missive.” White asked of the faux-billionaire. “Oh God! …Yes!” gasped the orange husk of a man, his normally carefully plastered hair a tangled mess of orange mesh fur skewering out in all directions.) “It …was… so mean!” He then went in to an uncontrollable fit of hysterical tears, which is normally for him three to four times each day.

“Has Becky seen this?” White asked.

“Yes,” answered Trump between mad gasps of air.

“Sorry you had to read this Becky,” said White. “God!” thought White, “They are dropping like flies around here.”

An operative from inside the White House working at Glossy News headquarters known only as “J. Robinette B.” said, “They done gave us a good ass-whuppin, Delaware style!” adding, “Now I know what he meant by being butt-hurt. These NRA boys, man, they can give you an enema with astro-turfed words alone, and I do mean ass…tro-turfed. Get it?”

By the next morning, nearly all of Glossy’s 132 employees had quit or called in sick, all mauled by the savage beating they took from the viciously vocal Mr. Woody et al. Mr. White, his empire in alleged, supposed tatters, had to raise the red white and blue flag of surrender (the French one, not the US flag) and enter into negotiations to sell his website to FOX News owner Rupert Murdoch, for pennies on the dime.

Editors addendum- Midway through this fray, the purveyor of the original article, Rfreed wandered in from the street wearing his usual pink, overly tight hot pants and leather thigh high black lace up boots with stiletto heels, his white see-though halter top tied at the bottom and exposing the amazing cleavage he didn’t have, whining his eyes out. He threw himself limply upon the over-sized, overstuffed leopard skin couch and sobbed into a pillow.

“Oh God!” he whined, “that bastard implied that I was gay!”

Nothing we said would console him, and we even said we’d take him to Barney’s.

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Posted in Sports Events, War ZoneComments (1)

Study: Gun Advocates Commonly Cowards?


A recent study conducted by the NRA surprisingly finds instances of gun ownership are tied directly to those prone to acts of cowardice.

The study surveyed 924 gun owners and asked them a variety of questions, and included 323 non-gun owners as a control group.

When the question was asked “Would you stand up to a bully in the street?” 84% of gun owners said “yes”, but when asked if they’d do so without a gun, the number shrunk to just 14%, compared with 42% of non-gun owners. Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, SocietyComments (18)

Obama Lets His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre


It was a phone call that President Obama didn’t want to make, but he knew he would eventually have to. He also knew that it would do little good, but that it had to be made anyway. So, on Wednesday, he did. And he was right.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

“Good day, Mr. LaPierre. How are you doing today?”

“Oh, I was OK until you called.” Read the full story

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Posted in Strange PeopleComments (57)

Gun Companies Realize More Profit Made Being Patriotic to Taliban than US


A major financial shift has occurred within the gun manufacturing section of the United States Corporate industry. A huge surge has come about in the number of guns and ammunition being clandestinely sold to the Mid East terror organization Al Queda. Read the full story

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