Jared Loughner has been chosen the poster boy of the year for the NRA–the Nutso Retard Association of America.

The minute his mugshot hit the press, the top officials of the organization were unanimous in saying “That’s our boy! He’s got the look we want! He’s clean cut (very!), he’s got a winning smile, he’s got a bright, happy look in his eyes. He’s just the one to represent what we stand for!” Read the full story

POINT BARROW, Alaska (GlossyNews) — Local Alaskan law enforcement agencies were shocked recently to learn of a plot by local moose to do in redneck rocker Ted Nugent during a concert here. The normally quiet, vegetarian moose have been in a tither since his concert posters were first put up. Their anger is over the fact that the long haired and semi psychopathic Nugent is a famous hunter as well, one who seems to deem it an almost religious undertaking.

“The shooting of animals for sport and meat is a God given virtue that He has given unto man. We are meant to have dominion over the earth and its denizens. That means we have the right to blow them into teensy little pieces if we want to.” Read the full story

Charlotte, NC (GlossyNews) -– It’s all about guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns and more guns. There are big guns, little guns, guns that kill just one person, and guns that are capable of killing more than one person at a time. Guns for show and guns for show-time. There are great gun names like Howitzer and Luger and, as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, “nine milleemeeters.” There are assault rifles, sniper rifles, submachine guns, light machine guns, semi-automatics, fully automatics, auto automatics, super automatics, uber automatics, ahhhhhhhhtowmaaaaaatics. Read the full story

Boca Raton, NM (GlossyNews) — The National Rifle Association, (NRA), ever at hand to aid the munitionally deprived, is running to the aid of drug cartels in Northern Mexico. Noting that they are in need of arms and ammunition, they immediately sent down several truckloads of supplies to aid them in their ‘quest for freedom’.

“We are in support of their right to express themselves as described in the 1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution (the freedom of speech).” stated NRA spokesman Will Tokill. “I know we usually only speak out in favor of the 2nd Amendment (the right to bear arms), but these are special circumstances. Read the full story

Philadelphia, PA (GlossyNews): An unnamed accused serial rapist demanded tougher gun control laws from his hospital bed in suburban Philadelphia earlier today, just hours after being admitted by police for a gun shot wound incurred while attempting to assault a local woman. Lawyers for the alleged rapist charged their client was “the real victim of this assault,” and warned that easy access to legal firearms was “[Making] committing a rape or other violent crime nearly impossible in many suburban areas.” Read the full story

The National Rifle Association unleashed its new campaign to allow all American citizens “their God-given rights to own an atom bomb!” The public is being bombarded with television, newspaper, movie and billboard ads pushing the new ‘right’ that the NRA feels should be passed through Congress. Already the Fox News channel has picked up the baton and is aggressively pushing for legalization of individual possession. Read the full story

The Republicans, still smarting from their losses in the 2008 elections, have taken a new stance. Gone are the Bush I and II philosophies of ‘Compassionate Conservatism’. The new motto is ‘Cold-Blooded Conservatism’. This new attitude will focus on further crushing the working and middle class with less rights and diminished wages, which they’ve been doing anyway, just now they won’t smile and pretend they aren’t anymore. Read the full story