Fun Any Time Of The Year – Specialty Haunted Houses

In the latest craze to hit the horror fan crowd are Haunted Houses designed for very specific groups. Each is tailor made to scare the bone marrow out of their target audience-

Gun Nut Horror House- Specially made to scare the beejeebees out of gun nuts everywhere. Projectors flicker images of headlines across the walls of pending legislation to control guns in different regions of the U.S.. A special theater constantly shows films in which gun wielders are done in by people, soldiers, mutants, monsters, space aliens, super heroes, etcetera who wipe them out with advanced technology or brute strength. For those with a survivalist bent there are also films in which an environmental, interplanetary, viral etc. disaster wipes out mankind including themselves. This house is enough to leave even the meanest cowboy trembling in his boots.

Liberal Horror House- Horrors of a Republican dominated government are the main theme of this scary house. Ronald Reagan, Bob Dole and Ann Coulter disguised zombies roam the halls terrorizing the Democratic pure of heart and munching on whatever brains they might have. The terror of hanging chads, redistricted neighborhoods, anti abortion laws and Scott Walker Presidential nominations are enough to give any liberal nightmares. Especially horrifying is Sean Hannity garbed as Dracula with a thirst for blue blood. FOX News provides the background soundbites. Read more Fun Any Time Of The Year – Specialty Haunted Houses

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Future NRA Investment Projects In Keeping With Their Violent Tradition

The NRA, reeling after the public notice of their being cash strapped as of late, have decided to expand their financial base of interests to survive. Since their specialized focus of interest are items of destruction it only follows that their business interests would reflect that.

The National Rifle Association bought up 30% of Dow/DuPont’s holdings in napalm, the flesh burning gel made famous and popular during the Vietnam War for adding more inhumanity to an already inhuman war. When asked why the NRA chose this particular substance to put money into, the answer given by a spokesman (the NRA does not believe in ‘spokespersons’) was that:

It can git (sic) the people hiding that bullits (sic) can’t! Sance (sic) the NRA at its roots is about killin’ (sic) fur (sic) fun, why not include napalm, a time-tested, proven fun killer?

Also heavily invested into was flesh-eating bacteria, a somewhat strange choice as the horrible disease that has deprived people of their limbs and lives has no apparent market value, and science has not found a cure or preventive for it. Again, a spokesman has stated:

While there is as yet not a commercially viable use for it, an imaginative person could come up with all sorts of creative uses for it…

This had a quieting effect on the minds of the audience listening, and a collective gasp once the full meaning of this answer settled in.

Land mines, a throwback to an icon of the last two World Wars, is making a comeback in less developed lands; the NRA. being keen on developing financial opportunities in other countries, has seized on it. When asked if any of these newly invested mines would be used to hurt American soldiers the answer was.

Of course we don’t want our boys to get hurt by them, but once they leave our warehouses we can’t be responsible for whosever hands they end up in, just like handguns.

An ironical statement if there ever was one.

An even further throwback- guillotines- has also caught the organization’s wandering eye and wallet.

They may seem very archaic, but when it comes to causing human misery and violent death, it is hard to ignore this device’s impact. And, as every one knows, we are really into anything that has to do with violence!

Heroin and meth rate highly on the NRA’s investment program as, kilo for kilo, these normally illegal drugs are one of the most profitable commodities there are. The NRA also promises to fight as viciously and mercilessly as they do already with guns to get these substances legalized.

After all, it is all about the freedom!

again stated their very hard working and seemingly ethic-less spokesman. An added side venture is that in entering a business territory normally dominated by violent cartels, the NRA’s investment would greatly help out their semi-automatic and automatic gun sales.

Stock shares in Agent Orange have gone up since the NRA invested millions into it. The defunct and illegal chemical agent responsible for horrifying deformities in Vietnam is now getting a fresh life despite it being forbidden by almost every country on earth.

We will see about changing that…

stated the NRA’s formidable chief lawyer with a wink and a nod.

Lastly, the NRA also has put opt stock options on opening up the market for medieval torture devices from the Inquisition just because they thought they were really cool.

 

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Chapter 32: It Depends on What “Democracy” Is (Honest Adolph, Volume III)


Some months later, it was the eve of the election. Pilder had already won the Democratic nomination by default. Meanwhile, Bubble had easily demolished the few remaining stragglers, who simply couldn’t compete with his relentless barrage of cruelty, crassness and viciousness.
The Presidential debates had turned out to be every bit as horrific (if horrifically entertaining also!) as expected.
And even the Machiavellian cunning of Pilder was at times lost for words; the Democratic candidate only had partial and half-hearted support from the party establishment, as he had never been supposed to win in the first place. Dark rumours persisted that the private view of the party hierarchy was that the Democrats would actually benefit if Pilder were to crash and burn; because it would kill off radical change in all forms, for a generation; if not ten, or twenty, or a hundred.
At the moment, it looked like Bubble was a shoe-in. This was not to say, of course, that support was universal. Some juvenile college students and professional grievance peddlers still doggedly clung to the corpse of Democratic progressivism; Bennie Pilder seemed to represent the dying scream, the final, desperate death throes of a doomed party. It was rumoured that the party might split completely if Pilder ended up suffering the commonly predicted electoral massacre. But nobody seriously thought that would make any difference, no matter what they said. Read more Chapter 32: It Depends on What “Democracy” Is (Honest Adolph, Volume III)

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The Yahoo Comments Page Tears Up Cheeky Russian Spy’s Fundraiser to Save Her Butt (& Other Naughty Bits)

Once again, the Yahoo comments pages proves to be the best satire site going. Maria Butina, the pro NRA Russian gun advocate and good Trump friend (what Russian isn’t nowadays) has been accused of spying on the U.S. and wasn’t above using sex to accomplish that. It seems that the barrels of her guns weren’t the only things that were hot when Ms. Butina was around. Read more The Yahoo Comments Page Tears Up Cheeky Russian Spy’s Fundraiser to Save Her Butt (& Other Naughty Bits)

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The Drone Report – We Listen In On The NRA Making Their Most Recent Battle Plans.

Prelude- Freed Industrial, a sub-section of the vast Rfreed communications network, has just developed a special ‘spy drone’ capable of infiltrating anywhere and everywhere and recording visual and audio data for our columns. Read more The Drone Report – We Listen In On The NRA Making Their Most Recent Battle Plans.

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What’s Coming Next this Week?

This week at Glossy News, we have:

Some disturbing satire on the NRA, the controversial US gun lobby.

More funny videos from Brian!

More advice on how you can help us grow, as we introduce our modest (but hopefully very timely and helpful!) rewards and incentives scheme. Read more What’s Coming Next this Week?

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